Post # 1
I have a best friend from high school who completely acted out being negative, judgmental, snarky etc , about my relationship 2 months before I got engaged and ended our friendship in an ultimatium. We haven’t talked in close to a year she recently called me to ask a question about a job related issue and used it as an “in” to ask me about my wedding planning. I told her that I was not comfortable discussing my wedding with her and acting like nothing happened between us and if she wanted to discuss our issues I was open to that. Well we got into a long back and forth and tit for tat until she finally gave me an apology.
Then she kept trying to remind me of a fight we had 9 years ago when I broke things off with her (again related to her poor behavior toward me) and tried to make it seem like she was so forgiving toward me and welcomed me back with open arms (she basically ignored her responsibility in the fight and never took responsibility for her own behavior) Then she told me that the real issue for her behavior before my engagement was that she felt I didn’t understand her responsibilities as a mom. She has 3 small children and is a single parent… WTF?… I’ve been nothing but supportive sending money, gifts, etc. What I haven’t been is available 24-7 to chit chat like in high school and we live in separate states. She has severe difficulty mainitaing relationships with others and constantly ruins relationships with inapropriate behavior, negativity, pushiness, and unrealistic demands… During the convo her “reasons” for her acting out toward me kept changing…. First it was I told her we couldn’t be friends unless she moved, (lie) then it was she was concerned about me making a mistake getting married ( lie) then it was I was not supportive of her (lie)…..
Finally, she tried to tell me we both have made mistakes, no one is perfect, and we need to work on repairing our friendship if that’s what I want…. I told her trying to discuss this was causing me negative emotions and we could talk about it at a later date…. She then asked if she can send me a wedding gift ( again she’s on the wedding) Who wants to send a gift or hear about someones wedding out the clear blue sky who you told too kick rocks over 10 months ago?
I hate to be paranoid but I find her actions strange….if someone misses you and genuinely wants to apologize then shouldn’t they just start out with that? Why start the convo pretending we are fine and acting like nothing happend, and then try to guilt me into getting over it? I honestly believe the issue is I asked a friend we have in common to be a bridesmaid (a big mistake) and now this ex-friend is feeling left out……now I’m wondering if I don’t send her an invite or if I just ignore her request to mend things I will look like a total B*tch to our friend in common… i’m not appreciating all this drama 80 days before my wedding…I’m not sure what her M.O. is but I don’t think her apology was genuine and I can’t figure out her angle….should I just ignore this? I did agree to disscuss it at a later date….but I think i’m being manipulated to stir up some mess….I never mentioned to the friend in common anything i figured hey if shes not in my wedding then its obvious we aren’t cool anymore…. WWYD?
Post # 3
i am really sorry to hear about this 🙁 you will not seem like a bitch at all for not inviting her! I would still try to talk to her about non wedding related topics, so you can be sure about whether her apology was sincere or not. best of luck! *hugs*
Post # 4
I think you should trust your instincts on this one. She’s not likely to change her character, and you’ve known her long enough to know what you’re in for if you resume a friendship with her. I do feel she’s trying to manipulate you. I would keep my distance, be polite, but don’t get drawn into her drama any more. As far as not involving her in the wedding, I’m sure everyone will understand your reasons since your wedding date isn’t too far off. You can always say it was too far into the planning and nothing personal against her. If she gets in she might cause you more drama and grief for you, like she’s always done, and who needs that with a wedding?
Post # 5
Too much drama… I would just let it go and drop the friendship. Sounds like it’s been one-sided and brings negativity to your life…
Post # 6
Keep your distance…like permanently. You can be cordial and have this person in your life, but not as a close friend otherwise the drama cycle will keep repeating. I can’t prove that she has an MO related to your wedding, but I’m sure she thinks it’s a good way to try and get back Ito your life.
Post # 7
Go with your gut. She sounds a little cray cray to me. I wouldn’t invite her to your wedding unless you want all that drama on your big day.
Post # 8
I’m in a similar situation. For me, it came down to whether the friend in question really added something to my life and that the friendship was positive + uplifting. Did her friendship do that for you?
In terms of her coming around and beating around the bush before giving you an apology, I’m sure you are right in your assumption about her feeling left out. She could be someone who has a hard time saying that she was wrong and wants to forgive and forget–without going through the proper motions of forgiving.
This is eerily similar to what I have going on with an old friend, and I ended up inviting her to the wedding and ‘resolving’ things, however I leave the ball in her court in terms of hanging out. I think you should do what feels right to you, and not worry about your mutual friend’s thoughts about you. It’s your day and you should be surrounded by people who love + support your relationship. Best of luck!
Post # 9
@Jacqui90: thanks i had not planned to invite her but it felt like she was fishing for an invite and the apology was just for the heck of it because i wasn’t “playing along” we can’t really talk about non- wedding related topics because we don’t talk we haven’t talked in months she just popped out of nowhere with this stuff
yeah thats what i’m thinking i’m planning to ignore the call and not get sucked in it does feel like manipulation and it makes me angry that instead of a sincere apology shes all of the sudden intrested in my wedding or relationship period! And i don’t want drama leading up too my wedding.
yep way too much drama and if felt insincere….
Post # 10
I can’t tell from your post if the drama is at her end or your end. I would just accept it at face value and be done!
Post # 11
Honestly? I don’t do well with needy people and this is what she is. I wouldn’t talk to her again. I would explain the situation to the friend in common and leave it at that. I wouldn’t feel sorry about it in the least. Friends bring you up, not down….
Post # 12
@anabell465: Honestly… our friendhip was fun when we were teens and in early twenties but we are in our thirties now….our relationship has now felt like I’m responsible for all her feelings and emotional support in life aside from the friend we have in common )who is her old college roomie) i don’t think she has any other friends, shes completely estranged from all of her family and has no contact with them… I think the friendship is too much drama and she has very limited insight into her behavior and how it affects others.
true good point my mom said the same…
Yeah i think she may be using it as a ploy hoping to bond and smoothe things over, and her social skills are lacking…. but i’m not sure those are good reasons to reopen this chapter in my life, plus i’m a little confused if i’m so non-supportive why desire to be friends with me??
Post # 13
@bricon: thanks for your input…
Very true this doesn’t feel like a good fit anymore
Post # 14
I don’t if she manipulating you or just falling back into what appears to be a cycle between you too. I think this is a toxic relationship and it’s time to just let it go.
Post # 15
@ambereyez: my question to you would be: over that year when you were not talking, how did you feel? did you miss her? you probably thought about her but did you really miss her and want to see or call her? if you didn’t, then i think you have your answer. let her go.
i personally don’t like to spend time with people like this. you should surround yourself with positive, supportive friends.
this girl sounds like she only thinks of what’s best for her. you don’t need friends like that. you have been supportive towards her but have received nothing back. that to me is one-sided. put your energy elsewhere.
Post # 16
Excellent points…. I think All the bees have given great perspectives, I’m not going to entertain this its clear we have had an unhealthy friendship and its probably time for it to end so we both can go onto the next chapters in our lives….thanks bees i’m glad you guys are around to bounce things off of i want to be fair and honest not a doormat…its time to move on