Post # 1
How do you deal with a man who has insecruities? I have only just really come to the conclusion that the majourity of the arguments my fiance and I have are due to his insecruities. Lately there seems to be alot ! 🙁
I thought I was crazy for awhile and maybe reading wrong but his reactions to things are clear to be insecurities.
For example his mum is difficult to handle with her personality…everyone knows it and no matter how lovely and nice she is it can be annoying at times. She is pushy and always right, knows whats best always and talks to him (us like children even though we are adults. So when i suggested ‘why dont we stay with your mum for 5 out othe 10 days that we go down south and the other 5 days stay somewhere else so we can see other parts of the south, its like an adventure…’
this led to a three day fight
or another example…
I mentioned that I need to pay the cleaning lady that afternoon and it happened to be the exact amount of money that he needed to give me for the month. He took it as me making a comment about how much money he made compared to me (I make 3 times more than he does) and how little he was giving me each month fo bills considering its only about 1/3 the amount the bills actually cost.
This lead to another day of fighting.
Ive come to the conclusion that he feels insecure that he is not very skilled and I am. He is not very well traveled or have an open mind veiw point and I have loved in 5 countires with a very open view. He has never been in a very serious relationship before…and I was married for 10 years. And then the issue with his mum ais that his culture is basically if youre not a mums boy then something is not right and you dont respect your mother…so he has these ideas and things that should be done always to and for your mother even if he doesnt want to ( like call her every other day even if you dont feel like talking)
Anyway my question is how can I deal with it. I am at the point that maybe I should just not take things so personally when he reacts and just ignore it because the fighting starts when I react….Im a hot head as well..but very secure.. so when I say something completely innocent…and he responds something like..yeah well I know you make more money so what do you exspect from me…I would respond because I feel like WHAT IS YOURE PROBLEM….but maybe I shouold just ignore it? It seems reason doesnt work because when I say.thats not what I meant or implying at all..he goes on and on and on about thats what I was thinking even if I didnt say it. I know he hates his job ( they treata him horraible) and feels horriable because he cant just go find another one as his skill sets are very limited. I run my own business and business is well and I dont know if that bothers him or not even if he says it doesnt. He doesnt have the drive and motivation like I do…because if it was me and from background I would be searching finding something better. But he is sothern Italian and they believe to be thankful for what you have and feel lucky you have a job at all..dont complain and take whatever they do to you.
I love him to bits …however I dont know if this cultural difference and insecurity issue will improve.
Post # 2
This to me doesn’t sound like insecurities, more like him just trying to pick fights. And honestly this is something I personally would not be able to deal with. People who cause conflict literally just to cause conflict aren’t the type of people I like to surround myself with. I feel like you are the same way otherwise you wouldn’t have posted here. This is how he is, and it’s time to decide if you can live it for the rest of your lives or if this relationship has run its course.
Post # 3
thanks for your insight. I’m sure I agree completely though. I can’t say for sure but he generally isn’t a person who picks fights. Everyone who knows anything about me knows I definantly am not the type. I know I haven’t given much details to the situation so maybe that’s why it appears that way. At any rate I do however agree with you on one part that if this is the way he is Is have to make the decision to come to a realisation of acceptance or the decision to move in. It always boils down to that when you’re in a realationship ultimately. I do however believe that people have the power to help others in over commibg certain situations if both parties are willing and understand how. In this case maybe I’ve posted becuse Im not entire sure how.
Post # 4
You ask what YOU can do to deal with it… but HE is the one who needs to change. You’re seriously fighting for days over these things? I would sit him down, lay it on the field, and send him to a counselor to work through it. It’s not fair to you, or loving in any fashion. Your partner shouldn’t be causing so much tension and you’re not putting the responsibility of being a mature adult on him. Cultural differences or whatever should not be an excuse to behave this way. He needs to adjust.
My husband made 1/3 of what I made for a long time, and while he would have bouts of feeling insecure, we ascribe to the the concept that our money is our money. There is no room for ego in a relationship. There is no reason to fight when you’ve got the same goal.
Post # 5
The way I dealt with an insecure man is I broke up with him. I thought I could love him enough to get over his insecurities. I thought time would help. But it didn’t. Insecurities are deep and no amount of outside love and patience will help him. He needs 1)want to become more secure and 2) go to individual therapy on his own to deal with his issues. You can’t make him do this.
You can only decided if this is the relationship you want for the rest of your life. If he never changes, can you deal with it? My friend married an insecure guy and her life is hell. She also thought love, time and patience would cure him. NOPE.
Post # 6
This probably isn’t a fair assessment given that there’s cross-cultural issues here, and I’m no expert on those, but with that caveat in mind, he sounds emotionally provincial — very set in his ways and worldviews. I don’t know if that’s the same as insecurity, necessarily, but I can see where it would still be very frustrating for you. But as PP have said, don’t assume that this is something that will change over time, or something that you can change. If things remain as they are now, could you live with it? Doesn’t sound like it, but that’s a question that you alone can answer.
Post # 7
I agree with you 100%. I guess I should have said what can I do to help him. In the end he has tol make the decision. He has said that he know that his set in stone ways are a result of not having much expeirience in life and because of what his parents taught him but he is realising that the world is bigger than what they taught him. He has the desire to change and be better in his thiking. I suppose its just up to me to realise if I am prepared to wait and see with even the result of him never changing and living with him the way he is now. I can live with him with his thinking as long as we dont fight about it or if he takes my different approach or believe as something against his …not sure if that makes sense. I guess only time can tell. Thanks for your insight
Post # 8
Thanks everyone for letting me vent and giving me your insight on the situation. I should add that shortly after I replied to the first comment I got a call from his mother…that was an hour of me listening to her insult his manhood and me defending him. I think that opened my eyes even more to situation. If I feel the pressure of him being a ‘not so good of a man and cant even carry his weight in the household ‘ (as she puts it) then I can assume he feels even more pressure than I do. I then had to call my own mother after that call becuase I really did feel bad for him after listening to his mum..even her going on about “why we are getting married and how no woman wants to marry an unskilled man who cant take care of their family…hopefully i wont wise up and leave him because what will he do?” I felt like she has no respect or insight on how amazing her son is and how hard working and carring and loving he is.
My mum knowing everything since Ive met him did give me the advice of giving it time ..since he has only just moved back to the country (against the advice of his mum of course, as the woman should go to the man not the man go to the woman) and has only moved in with me 3 months ago so things are still new and fresh.
ps Im sorry if Ive dumped alot of info here …but I thought it was a good place to vent and here outside opinions who dont know the situation or him…also Ive been here for awhile and have read good advice to others with their situations..so thought other opinions are always great to hear and are insighful…in the end we all do what we want to do anyway right!
Post # 9
He might be insecure because of the very judgmental vibe I am getting from your post. Maybe he is picking up on it in real life.
Post # 10
I’m curious, after reading this thread . . . what do you get our of this relationship and what does he bring to the table? Are there good qualities, how does he contribute?
Post # 11
yes definantly. He is a very good man. Hard working and works hard to try his best to take care of us in his way. Him making less money does not (in my opinion) equate that he is lazy or doesnt work hard. He also does alot home to look after us. He does work full time and then also works around the house such as cleaning inside and outside..we have alot of land and takes alot to care for it …with the fruit trees and pool ect. He does all of the work there. He has alot of good qualities in my opinion that make him very loving, caring and giving. He is also doing very well as a step dad to my 6 year old daughter.
Post # 12
I think he sounds like a good catch.
I broke up with my first boyfriend largely because he had no work ethic. I was going to school full time plus working almost full time, and all he did was whine about his (easy) job.
I wish you guys happiness. I’m sure you can make this work if you can deal with his momma.
Post # 13
oh yeah Id break up too if he was like that..
well his mum…atleast we live in the north and she is in the south ahahahah
Post # 14
I would suggest trying to give him some validation in other ways. If the lack of financial contribution makes him feel insecure, pick out a few things where he does contribute, contibutes very well or does in ways you can’t. Make sure he knows how much you appreciate those things and build up his confidence a little. It could go a very long way. My husband was the sole provider in his previous marriage as his ex-wife did not work. In our marriage now, I make significantly more money than he does. He is a very hard worker and actually makes more than the average in our area already, but it was a little difficult for him to adjust to someone bringing in about twice what he makes. What made it worse is that he came into the marriage with some financial baggage and no savings, while I had built up quite a nest egg. I noticed that he really lights up when I ask him to help me with things, even silly little things, like opening a jar or lifting something heavy. I’ll ask him for help because “I’m not able to” for what ever reason. One time I mentioned that I hated filling my car with gas and now once a week he does it for me so I don’t have to get my hands dirty. I just make sure he knows he is needed in other ways and he has a very important role. It’s really helped our relationship tremendously.
So just try throwing out some compliments… especially when it comes to things you’re envious or jealous of because he’s better at them than you are. Make it fun and positive. Ask him for help with stuff, even when you could probably manage on your own. Remember to appreciate him. And ask him for his opinion on things, listen intently and make real sure he knows you value it.
Post # 15
Sounds like the first step is him to step back from his relationship with his mother! How can you build confidence when you always have someone telling you how worthless you are?!
And he’s been living away from everything he’s known for only 3 months? This is a huge transition for him. And with his current financial state plus his moms words echoing in his head, I get the insecurities. Since money is one of them, what if you set up a joint household account, where X amount of everyone’s income goes into it, and bills are paid from there? That way you don’t need to ask him for money directly it is already there and available and he feels like he is contributing?
And if my hubs mother called me and started telling me how worthless he was, I wouldn’t stay on the phone for an hour. She’d be listening to the dial tone after 5 minutes…..