(Closed) an insecure man

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
4242 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

This to me doesn’t sound like insecurities, more like him just trying to pick fights.  And honestly this is something I personally would not be able to deal with.  People who cause conflict literally just to cause conflict aren’t the type of people I like to surround myself with.  I feel like you are the same way otherwise you wouldn’t have posted here.  This is how he is, and it’s time to decide if you can live it for the rest of your lives or if this relationship has run its course.

Post # 4
451 posts
Helper bee

You ask what YOU can do to deal with it… but HE is the one who needs to change. You’re seriously fighting for days over these things? I would sit him down, lay it on the field, and send him to a counselor to work through it. It’s not fair to you, or loving in any fashion. Your partner shouldn’t be causing so much tension and you’re not putting the responsibility of being a mature adult on him. Cultural differences or whatever should not be an excuse to behave this way. He needs to adjust.

My husband made 1/3 of what I made for a long time, and while he would have bouts of feeling insecure, we ascribe to the the concept that our money is our money. There is no room for ego in a relationship. There is no reason to fight when you’ve got the same goal.

Post # 5
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

The way I dealt with an insecure man is I broke up with him. I thought I could love him enough to get over his insecurities. I thought time would help. But it didn’t. Insecurities are deep and no amount of outside love and patience will help him. He needs 1)want to become more secure and 2) go to individual therapy on his own to deal with his issues. You can’t make him do this. 

You can only decided if this is the relationship you want for the rest of your life. If he never changes, can you deal with it? My friend married an insecure guy and her life is hell. She also thought love, time and patience would cure him. NOPE. 

Post # 6
157 posts
Blushing bee

This probably isn’t a fair assessment given that there’s cross-cultural issues here, and I’m no expert on those, but with that caveat in mind, he sounds emotionally provincial — very set in his ways and worldviews. I don’t know if that’s the same as insecurity, necessarily, but I can see where it would still be very frustrating for you. But as PP have said, don’t assume that this is something that will change over time, or something that you can change. If things remain as they are now, could you live with it? Doesn’t sound like it, but that’s a question that you alone can answer. 

Post # 9
463 posts
Helper bee

He might be insecure because of the very judgmental vibe I am getting from your post. Maybe he is picking up on it in real life. 

Post # 10
2823 posts
Sugar bee

I’m curious, after reading this thread . . . what do you get our of this relationship and what does he bring to the table? Are there good qualities, how does he contribute?

Post # 12
253 posts
Helper bee

I think he sounds like a good catch. 

I broke up with my first boyfriend largely because he had no work ethic. I was going to school full time plus working almost full time, and all he did was whine about his (easy) job. 

I wish you guys happiness. I’m sure you can make this work if you can deal with his momma. 

Post # 14
107 posts
Blushing bee

I would suggest trying to give him some validation in other ways.  If the lack of financial contribution makes him feel insecure, pick out a few things where he does contribute, contibutes very well or does in ways you can’t. Make sure he knows how much you appreciate those things and build up his confidence a little. It could go a very long way. My husband was the sole provider in his previous marriage as his ex-wife did not work. In our marriage now, I make significantly more money than he does. He is a very hard worker and actually makes more than the average in our area already, but it was a little difficult for him to adjust to someone bringing in about twice what he makes. What made it worse is that he came into the marriage with some financial baggage and no savings, while I had built up quite a nest egg. I noticed that he really lights up when I ask him to help me with things, even silly little things, like opening a jar or lifting something heavy. I’ll ask him for help because “I’m not able to” for what ever reason. One time I mentioned that I hated filling my car with gas and now once a week he does it for me so I don’t have to get my hands dirty. I just make sure he knows he is needed in other ways and he has a very important role. It’s really helped our relationship tremendously. 


So just try throwing out some compliments…  especially when it comes to things you’re envious or jealous of because he’s better at them than you are. Make it fun and positive. Ask him for help with stuff, even when you could probably manage on your own. Remember to appreciate him. And ask him for his opinion on things, listen intently and make real sure he knows you value it.


Post # 15
1034 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
Jessabella79 :  Sounds like the first step is him to step back from his relationship with his mother! How can you build confidence when you always have someone telling you how worthless you are?! 

And he’s been living away from everything he’s known for only 3 months? This is a huge transition for him. And with his current financial state plus his moms words echoing in his head, I get the insecurities. Since money is one of them, what if you set up a joint household account, where X amount of everyone’s income goes into it, and bills are paid from there? That way you don’t need to ask him for money directly it is already there and available and he feels like he is contributing? 

And if my hubs mother called me and started telling me how worthless he was, I wouldn’t stay on the phone for an hour. She’d be listening to the dial tone after 5 minutes…..

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