(Closed) An introvert marrying an extrovert. Advice?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Which are you?
    Introvert to the max : (37 votes)
    50 %
    Extrovert to the max : (15 votes)
    20 %
    Mixture of both : (22 votes)
    30 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    2748 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    I’m an off the charts introvert on every test I’ve ever taken. Luckily Fiance seems to only be a moderate extrovert because otherwise the relationship would take quite a bit more work. As it is, we just make sure to be sensitive to each other’s needs like all couples should, and we both make an effort to be clear about what we really need/want in conflicting situations.

    Example: after a long day hanging out with his friends (fun but yes long), he makes a point to ask me what I need during the evening, and I make sure to be honest even if it means making him sit in silence while I cuddle next to him reading a book. He’s so sweet about it actually. When we’re out and about, he does little check ins with me to see if I need to take a short walk away from crowds/noise. When I know he’s had a stressful day, I’ll be the one to suggest going out to the bar to throw some darts or something. At the very least, I’ll do my best to stay upbeat and engaged while he chatters chatters chatters away.

    We’ve only had a few actual fights as opposed to the normal little disagreements, and we’ve learned how far to push and when to back off. I can only take so much talking-through, and then I need to walk away. Also if I’m suuuuuper angry, I can’t even start talking yet, and he respects that. Once I get myself under more control, I respect his need to talk it out. Like your pastor says, we meet in the middle.

    Post # 5
    Member
    12247 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2013

    My sister is a SUPER extrovert, but she deals with emotions like a super introvert!

    The only way she can talk about her emotions is by texting them to you from another room!

    Post # 6
    Member
    1652 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    @futurepilotswife_:  Great post, I’m realy interested in the replies.

    Those tips in that list are super useful!!

    I’m extremely introverted, as in 100% on every test. It can take me days of silence to recover from socialising and talking lots.

    Luckily my husband knows me very well and he is a mixture of introvert and extrovert; he is one of the few people other than my parents who understands my needs. We talk about things a fair bit but he is un-demanding and weirdly doesn’t overwhelm me like most other people do. He is happy to socialise with friends once a week while I stay home and read, sleep and recharge etc, and this enables me to have the mental energy to socialise now and then.

    Actually the relationships I struggle with are the ones with friends/acquintances & relatives who do not understand me, and will not leave me alone or stop pressuring and hassling me to socialise over and over and over to the point where I feel like I will break. It’s really tiring and hard to keep explaining that I am not bored, depressed or lonely, and that I just want to spend quiet time alone as I need to!!! 🙂

    Post # 7
    Member
    85 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    @futurepilotswife_:  I am an extrovert marrying an introvert. I am just like your FH and need to talk through any issues we have right away. My Fiance needs time to think through things before he talks. The way we deal is I write all of my feelings down in a letter while he takes his time thinking (or not thinking LOL) about stuff. Depending on the fight, he’ll either answer my letter in whatever medium he chooses (verbally or via writing/text) or not answer at all. 

    This gets him what he needs and I get to express my feelings right away which I need. Another thing I need, as an extrovert, for certain disagreements is for my Fiance to give me some sort of response. To prepare him for this, I tell him in my letter that I expect and need a response. I don’t ask for it for all arguments but the more important ones I do which allows him to know that the situation and his understanding my feelings about it is important to me.

    If you ever want to chat more or get a view from an objective extrovert, feel free to PM me!

    Post # 8
    Member
    225 posts
    Helper bee

    I am like you and have just recently realized through reading posts on here and elsewhere on the internet that its totally normal. I thought something was wrong with me, because for my whole life, I have been unable to talk about problems right away when I am upset. It’s always been an issue.

    I think it stemmed from the fact that my dad used to have these really long “talks” with me about serious things when I was little when my parents were getting divorced and I would just shut down and not talk, and he wouldn’t let me go until I did.

    It used to cause problems between me and my SO (and all of my previous exs) but he has recently became more understanding as I have been showing him the same resources I’ve found for myself. He used to get upset that I wouldn’t say anything and I’m just sitting there like “I literally have nothing to say right now.”

    What works for me is usually letting the situation diffuse and not talk for awhile, a few hours, a few minutes. And then I either talk to him again or send him a text when I’m ready, whichever is more convenient (sometimes he is at school/work by the time I’m ready). I’ve also found that texting is a lot easier to get my emotions across because I can read them over a few times and accurately describe them.

    sorry for the long response! 

    Post # 10
    Member
    678 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    @wouldyoukindlyy:  I liked your response, it really struck a chord with me! When I am not in a good mood my desire to talk is always the first thing to go- I thought I was the only one who sometimes just plain doesn’t have anything to say! I also prefer writing, I am a much more effective communicator when I have time to think and process.

    I’ve been with SO for almost 7 years and he has gotten so good at handling my personality- he can always tell right away when I am being “quiet” and will ask me what’s wrong, but won’t push the subject if I’m not responding. He also understands that long periods of socializing are pretty exhausting for me, and that Friday nights are my time to recover from the week- NOT to go out and party!

    This kind of thing takes compromise but also a lot of time- it is one aspect of our relationship that has gotten better over the years.

    Post # 11
    Member
    8041 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2013

    @futurepilotswife_:  I am definitely introverted too, but so is my SO so that makes it easier. I had huge problems in my last relationship where my ex wanted to go and hang out with people and party all the time when all I wanted was quiet evenings at home!

    I am not sure that all your fights are because you’re introverted, though. I’m about as introverted as they come, but I am the one who talks my SO’s ears off when it comes to my anxieties, fights, etc. (but then I often go over stuff in my mind a zillion times too!). He keeps his emotions bottled up in general, but I think that’s more typical guy than typical introvert.

    I think the key is to just know each other and know what to expect. By now, I assume he knows how you react, and vice versa so it’s not at the stage where everything is taken personally.

    Just give each other space where needed. Him space to go out and socialize, him giving you space to be alone etc.

    Post # 13
    Member
    418 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Oh my gosh. This sounds SO MUCH like my husband and I. We had such issues with this. We had to go to therapy to really get a handle on how to deal with eachother in a better way. It’s taking time, and patience but we are definitely in a much better spot. I totally get it. We realized we both typically want to communicate in the same way, but we just approach it differently. He would take things personally, and think I was evading things I would think he was talking over me and teling me what was going on without giving me a chance to say my side of the conversation.

    Like I said. Practice, practice, practice. One book that has helped us too is Couple Skills. They actually give you exercises and tell you how to practice learning to communicate differently. Both that book and the therapy have helped a ton.

    Post # 14
    Member
    418 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Also…maybe find someone that specializes in couples, outside of your pastor. We had to find a few different therapists before we found one that worked for us.

    Post # 15
    Member
    1177 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    I’m an introvert and my Fiance is an extrovert, but the behaviour you’re describing doesn’t apply to us at all. I think it would be interesting for you and your SO to take a Myers-Briggs; the differences might have more to do with some of the other dimensions of your personality types.

    Post # 16
    Member
    141 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    I’m highly extroverted while Fiance is high introverted.  I’ve always hated those “how to care for introverts” tips.  Those are just tips on how not to be an asshole.

    The topic ‘An introvert marrying an extrovert. Advice?’ is closed to new replies.

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