- 6 years ago
You know what would be great right now? If you would function as a the proverbial roof over my head.
Seriously, that puddle in the bed you left when rain started running from the roof, through the attic, and down our ceiling fan & lights was a bit unacceptable last night. I realize that you were probably mad at us, your owners, for making you wait on the new clothes you needed (i.e. shingles), but you had plenty of felting to shield us from last night’s rain. Why did you have to go and tear a hole in that brand new felt and leave me to sleep on the couch? Are you just being passive agressive about the new shingle color we picked out?
Also, House, at this point you’ve kept us up more nights than a newborn baby. We only managed about 2 hours of sleep due to your antics last night – crawling through the attic with our old aquarium we were lazy in throwing away and every large pot we could find to collect water. Last year, we stayed up for more than 24 hours straight trying to keep your basement from flooding during the hurricanes. Where was our thanks for that? Hell, we even cleaned up every corner of your basement during the worst of it when you were literally inches from overflowing the sink & sump pit.
House, I need you to be up front with me. We’re planning a bigger makeover later this year, so put all this passive agressive flooding crap to rest. We’re going to replace some stucco and give you a paint job. If you’re going to put up a fight about it, please let us know in advance so we can budget for it. Will it be the pre-painting power washing you won’t like, therefore requiring more stucco repairs? Fortunately, our mason is pretty affordable, but I’d still rather you don’t give us any surprises. We also want to give you a new fence this year, along with some pretty landscaping. If you hate the flowers and bushes I’ve picked out, please let me know now instead of after I custom build a flower bed. We’re doing this not only to make you look prettier, but to help keep water away from you.
We’re only trying to do what’s best for you, House. We don’t want to make every project a struggle. We really need to learn how to communicate before next year when we start on the kitchen remodel. We already know you have a gas problem, House. That line to the stove that ruptured has been turned off, but we’d like to come to a reasonable solution so you don’t have any more smelly gas issues and we can make delicious foods in your kitchen that will fill your belly – or rather dining room – with lovely smells and many welcome guests.
So, please, House, stop keeping us up at night. I don’t want any gray hairs caused by you, and my better half already went prematurely gray, so he doesn’t have anything left to give you. We want to love you. We want you to love us. Work with us on these upgrades so you look as beautiful as we know you could be. You’re out of your teens and have been for a long time. Stop rebelling against us. As your owners, you’re supposed to have figured out by now that we sometimes know what is best.
In Hopes of More Sleep & Saved Money,