Post # 1
My boyfriend and I have been together just shy of 3 years. Our first 6 months of our relationship we were so sure that we were the ones for each other. We went ring shopping and started budgeting for our wedding. Then an unplanned pregnancy came about. We have a rough patch for sure. Then we had our son and everything eventually went back to normal. We’ve had our ups and downs but for the most part everything is as close to perfect as it can be, We make each other laugh, we are very honest and open and enjoy life together. We love our son very much and enjoy raising him together. We agree on every parenting situation which is also awesome! Well the “get married” breaks have been on ever since we found out about our son. I’ve been dropping hints and trying to figure out why, now that everything is back in place, that he is so scared about getting married. Here’s the other side to coin. He works HVAC so his hours are very long. He just started going on call which means he will have a pager and need to go in crazy hours through the night. We live an hour away from his work area. He’s been pressuring me to move closer. This will be our 4th move since we met and our third move since the baby! I don’t want to keep uprooting our son, and changing and moving. I want stability for all of us. If we moved I’d also be having to find another job, be away from my family and friends and everything I am comfortable with. I am MORE than willing to that if he would commit to me. Something inside makes me very insecure to keep following him and sticking by his side with out reciprocation. I need something. So last night I told him exactly how I felt. That I needed to be engaged to move. I didn’t want to follow him all over, and keep uprooting our son for him if he couldn’t commit to us. Because I honestly feel like getting married is more than just our love now, it would benefit our son as well for legal purposes ect. (Not to mention how it feels to take him to daycare and be called by their last name when it’s not mine). Anyway I felt like giving this ultimatum was my only choice. It was really making me question his love and dedication to me that he can’t commit and it didn’t feel fair that I’m supposed to just put a smile on and follow a man that I’m not sure is completely dedicated to me and our son, and this family.
So here is my thing, I don’t know if I did the right thing. I feel selfish towards my son for risking a separation but I need to find my happiness too. The reasons he said he hasn’t purposed yet were because of the bad times we had after we found out we were pregnant and because divorce scares him. All this scared me even more!! Marriage is for better or worse… obviously he’s not so sure about the “for worse” part. I told him he had until June when our lease was up to figure out what he wanted. Another thing he said is that he wants to do it in his own time with out pressure of me or his family. I think it’s a cop out but I also understand. I too have always wanted the surprise proposal with the perfect setting and all. Things have changed, but his feelings of wanting to be married in the beginning should only have grown deeper I would think. He just turned 27 and I’ll be 27 this fall. I thought him getting closer to 30 might make him want to settle more but maybe not. Please help. Did I make a mistake in giving this ultimatum?
Post # 3
I don’t know the ins and outs of your relationship, but that seems very reasonable to me! I don’t think you made a mistake at all!! Hope it all works out for you. How old is your son, now?
Post # 4
I don’t think you are in the wrong, your reasons especially for your son sound reasonable to me. I think you’re right in not wanting to move all over with a child in tow without beging married as a safety net especially for your son.
If he’s in it ‘for the worse’ part, you’ll know through the commitment… I really think this needs to be made. Good luck!
Post # 5
Like the PP said, it sounds reasonable to me. You have to look out for your son as well as yourself. Having stability and security in your relationship is not wanting too much.
Do you think his concerns and hesitations are due to the financial situation?
Post # 6
Actually, I think it’s more than reasonable to be unwilling to move (again) without being engaged, especially when it involves uprooting your child.
Post # 7
@edub: I agree – especially if marriage is something you want.
It would be a deal breaker for me. You can’t just sit around and hope he changes his mind about marriage one day, especially if its something you desire in your life. Dating but not getting married is just something i would never be ok with in the long run and if you two cant agree on that aspect then parenting together but seperately might be the best idea ya know? especially since you seem to parent really well together.
his fears are understandable but ultimately you need someone who wants and cherishes marriage as well. I hope he comes around.
Post # 8
Our son will be 2 this year. He has said that he doesn’t want to buy me a cheap ring, but he’s also come into money plenty of times where he could get one. He is really adiment about paying off his bills though and financial stability is very much a concern for him. Thanks ladies. This is the first time I’ve really stood my ground with him and really the only time I’ve reacted like this with him. I just don’t feel like it’s fair to drag us all around with out the stability of knowing we are all in it together-forever! 🙂
Post # 9
ring ‘shming 😉 Before I actually thought I was getting a ring at all, I told Darling Husband that I didn’t care about the technicalities of it although he (like your man) seems like he wants to do things ‘right’. Maybe it would help him to know if you’re genuinely ok with not having one, that way the financial pressure is off. Unless you absolutely need a ring to get engaged. (some people do) Maybe this would help him make the choice.
Post # 10
Yea sometimes we’ll be at Walmart and I’ll say look that ring is only $99! Or I’ll see a “play jewelry” set for girls and say look that one is only $5!! I’ve sat him down and told him that none of that stuff is important to me at all. He’s more of the one that it’s important to though. He’s some what a perfectionist. When we were planning our wedding in the beg. he wanted it in Hawaii when I really didn’t care as much but he wanted “the best”. He’s always the one more so to go “all out” than I am. I’m a lot more of the simple type. I think that’s part of why the fighting we went through when we found out we were pregnant scares him. I was hormonal and was NOT myself. I even look back and am like “what was I doing, acting that way” it got pretty bad. So I think that along with the perfectionist in him scares him. He has told me that he knows he wants to be with me forever though. I really appreciate everyones support though. I’m not the naggy whiny type so for me to make a fuss about something like this it’s just new to me. I have never met a man I wanted to marry. He is the first and it’s all very new to me LOL 🙂
Post # 11
I think you did the right thing. You have been more than patient. Good luck!
Post # 12
I agree with PP. You did the right thing. There are only a million and a half excuses as to why he hasn’t proposed yet (not ready, need more money, has to be perfect, etc.) and that’s all well and good. But eventually if he wants to be with you, he’ll have to sack up and ask! I think it’s GREAT that you told him.
Post # 13
I do think you did the right thing but also please stick to it, otherwise you won’t have a leg to stand on in the future if he doesn’t propose.
Post # 14
My boyfriend and I will both be turning 27 in a few months, and are just shy of our 3 year anniversary (April 10), so there are commonalities between your relationship and mine. Except, that you have a family with your bf- I would absolutely have done what you did minus 1 year ago! I know my boyfriend already has the ring, but I did have to let him know that I wanted to be married soon (sometimes men just need a little push), I wouldn’t say you gave him an ultimatum; you just expressed your point of view on the situation, and I completely 100% agree with you. He is asking you to make major life changes for him, so why shouldn’t you be allowed to do the same? (Especially when the changes you are asking of him aren’t really changing anything except a title!)
Post # 15
If I were in your shoes I would have done the same thing. You were already talking marriage before you had your child. You said you hit some rough patches, but you seem to have weathered through them quite well. Hopefully he just needed a kick in the pants (not that you were rough or anything) to realize that he could lose you. I hope everything works out for you. I’d be surprised if it didn’t.
Post # 16
I also agree with all the other ladies. You did the right thing by giving your bf an ultimatum. I wish you all the luck!