(Closed) An unhappy proposal – ring drama?

posted 8 years ago in Rings
Post # 137
Member
338 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

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@JoCoJenn:  LOL. Thanks. 

Post # 138
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

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@Tibbs:  ++1!!!!!!!!!!  You just gave me life with that post!  LOL!

Post # 139
Member
3823 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I guess what I’m trying to say is sometimes, you have to lie a little to maintain the happiness of another person. 

 

It’s not all the way honest but it’s to protect their feelings. Ask any couple who has been married for 40, 50, 60 years and they will say the same.

Post # 140
Member
4304 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@TaurianDoll:  I just cannot see how honest, open communication is not better than lying or feeling shamed by your feelings to protect your partner.  It’s a level playing ground.

Yes, there is give or take in a marriage, but more specifically, compromise.

Post # 142
Member
4304 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@creativeplannertobee:  Maybe that’s the difference.  30 years ago, marriage and the aspects of what a man and wife meant were a lot different.  Women have been steadily gaining more ground and voicing their opinions… so that could be why some people just don’t understand the concept of just shutting up.  We’re not good at that, lol.

Post # 143
Member
70 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

OP – I didn’t read ALL the posts so I don’t know if there was an update but I just want to say…He’s being a CHILD. You didn the right thing in being honest with him. You weren’t rude when he proposed. He ASKED you your honest opinion and you gave it to him. As long as you gave it to him gently I think you did absolutely the right thing. You have to wear the ring for the rest of your life. I would talk to him again and recognize that it was really sweet of him to pick one out but you would rather go with him ot pick out something that suits you better. It’s definitely a pride thing for him but I can’t believe the dramatic behavior and hurtful things he said to you. He doesn’t want to wear a wedding band from you? How stupid. You are adults who have just decided to commit your love to eachother. Love as in an action NOT a feeling so I hope he can grow up and start demonstrating that love by being a little more understanding and mature and stop lashing out. I can understand your frustration. I would also asuggest you not go to him in anger though because that obviously will not help the situation. This is supposed to be an exciting happy time! I hope you guys can work it out quickly. Maybe you should write out your feeling instead and give it to him? That way you can explain how you feel about the ring, how sweet it was of him to try, build him up a little cause obviously his pride is hurt, but still be honest!

Post # 144
Member
96 posts
Worker bee

You know what?  Sometimes when we demonstrate an unexpected kindness – it comes back to us tenfold.  Right now you are both hurting.  There are two sides to every story, but you’re both caught up in your own reality right now and you’re both hurting.  No amount of explaining or arguing is going to change that.

 

So perhaps right now, he’s acting childish in a gut reaction to what he is taking as an insult.  What if you were to be the bigger person and just apologize for hurting his feelings.  Because you love him more than anything and that’s all that matters in the end.

 

Maybe when he gets over his hurt and accepts your apology, maybe then he’ll come to the realization that he wants YOU to be happy and THEN suggest that you trade in the ring for something you love.

 

Ladies, it’s not about “lying” or being a “fake.”  It’s about doings what’s best for your relationship and the person you love and, ultimately, yourself and the family you are going to raise together.

 

SOMEONE has got to come around.  You can argue back and forth that he’s being childish, etc., etc.  And then you are left back where you started:  Thinking that you shouldn’t go through with your marriage.  If that’s what you want in the end, then better to do it now before you go through with a marriage you are unsure about. 

 

But if you love each other, this is one small argument in a lifetime together and SOMEONE ALWAYS has to be the first person to apologize. 

 

And btw, I may have been married over 30 years, and I don’t remember who said something about how times have changed, but let me tell you:  I am not nor have I EVER been a shrinking violet.  I am a strong woman – I’ve lived through the 70’s and 80’s and remember quite well how many battles we had to fight as women to get where we are today.  I raised a strong, smart daughter because I am a strong, smart woman.  So please don’t use the old age card or the “times have changed” card.  I’m simply saying kindness and love are more important than being right when you’re in a marriage.

Post # 145
Member
2861 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

This thread makes my head want to explode. He has a penis and therefore can not handle being told the truth and you have a vagina so you have to shut up and accept whatever bread crumb he throws your way? My GOD. Hell to the no. If he can’t handle hearing you don’t like an e-ring you BOTH agreed you DON’T want or need a mere 2 weeks beofre you are getting married ( making the ” oh a man asking a woman to marry him is a vulnerable time” argument invalid because they are already engaged) then he needs to nut the eff up and quit his man child crying to his Mommy. 

Post # 147
Member
423 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I think you should apologize for being blunt.  Hopefully, he’ll then apologize for being mean.  Then, you should just chill for a few days and after things are on a more stable, happy footing, you should both have a very calm, loving discussion about why he did what he did, and you said what you said.  Neither one of you is all wrong in this situation, imo, but neither of you is 100% correct, either.  He could certainly stand to handle disappointment / anger better, and if this is how he responds to all such situations, then there may be more reason for concern. 

 

Speaking as a rather radical feminist, I do not think that some of the advice here has to do with OP being a woman.  A man who did the same thing would be equally wrong in my eyes.  When a person I love, (mother, sister, husband, whoever) goes to the trouble of buying me what THEY perceive as an important gift, (whether or not it is important to me is beside this point), I gush.  It doesn’t matter whether I like it or not – for the first few hours at least, I friggin LOVE that thing.  I thank them, I admire it, I show appreciation that they loved me enough to try and do something really nice for me.  If the item itself is not to my taste, or they misunderstood what I was looking for, etc, there is a time to express that, gently, the next day, and see if there is anything to be done, such as exchanging or returning the item.   

 

At the end of the day, I think that if you love someone, you should want to spare their feelings whenever possible.  Man, woman, child, doesn’t matter.  Honesty is not the best policy to me.  Kindness is. 

 

Post # 148
Member
903 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@mixtapehearts:  AMEN. There are some pretty freaking sexist comments here. I even think it was a little sexist of him to decide, after they had already agreed on no ring, “Well, since she’s a woman she must not have meant it, all women want rings.” Apparently he didn’t understand that when she said she didn’t want it, she didn’t want it!

Post # 149
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96 posts
Worker bee

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@JenniBride:  At the end of the day, I think that if you love someone, you should want to spare their feelings whenever possible.  Man, woman, child, doesn’t matter.  Honesty is not the best policy to me.  Kindness is. 


I LOVE THIS!!!

Post # 150
Member
903 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@AlyssasMom: 
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@JenniBride:  Sparing feelings is a good policy generally, but I would also add that loving someone does not mean babying them. I think it can be a fine line.

Post # 151
Member
274 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@IndyCat:  Let’s see the ring!

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