(Closed) An unhappy proposal – ring drama?

posted 8 years ago in Rings
Post # 17
Member
1360 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

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@IndyCat:  OP, I know you are getting upset right now, but calm down for a second. First off, getting the worng size is actually really common, I was actually measured and it still ended up being the wrong size when we got it from a different jewler! Also, I just think he was trying to be nice and romantic and surprise you, even if you agreed to no ring,  I have noticed that a lot of times things like engagement rings are a source of pride for men, or at least it was for my SO. He actually told me when we were looking that he wanted me to find something that I would be proud to wear and show to my friends. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lastly, about the prongs thing. Bringing it up right now is a terrible idea. It can be fixed definitely, and this is a valid reason for wanting it changed. Wait a week or two and say something like hey hun, the prongs on the ring are bothering me and I’m afraid I will hurt myself like I did the last time. Could we see if we can get it modified for it to have no prongs but still keep the style you picked for me? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But honestly, right now, you are in the wrong to be getting angry. Even if he didnt pick out the perfect thing or didnt consult you on it. He wanted to surprise you and your reaction and responses seem a bit ungrateful to me. The way you word things to him next will be significant and dont forget that in this situation you shouldnt be mad (IMO) because he did something special for you, yes it isnt perfect but you can discuss it later about modifying it to be more your style, but not right now. There is a time and place for everything. 

 

 

 

Post # 18
Member
1368 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’m concerned by his reaction. That is a cruel thing for him to say (not wanting to wear a wedding band) which I think is really disproportionate to the situation. That is outright hurtful IMO, from the way you described it. As for the ring, I think it’s odd that he got you one after you had both explicitly agreed not to get you one, if I understand correctly. Ordinarily I would advise you to just wear it to spare feelings, but it doesn’t sound like that will resolve things, because he outright went against an agreement, and is reacting quite immaturely. :/

I say just keep being honest, you seem to be handling it fairly well. But defer specific criticisms (like PP about the prongs, for instance) until later; it’s not something to focus on now. Also, I must chime in and say that I agree that getting the wrong size is totally normal and common, not worth getting upset over! Good luck!

 

Post # 19
Member
7679 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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@IndyCat:  My mom wore her matching set from my dad throughout their 46 years prior to my dad’s death, and I think the few years she lived beyond him.  

 

She told me when she gave me her engagement ring on her deathbed, that “[the rings] had grown on her” and she was originally was going to give me both rings, but asked if I would mind if she was buried with her wedding ring instead.

 

From past knowledge, I know that she had been upset when they got engaged that my dad had bought the set himself and didn’t even give her the engagement ring upon their engagement, but only when he had picked up the set of rings. So she had No engagement ring throughout their engagement.  (In hindsight, knowing how little money they had when they got married, I am guessing he hadn’t finished making the payments for the rings until just before their wedding).  

 

I know that if my mom would have said something about not liking the ring(s), I bet my dad wouldn’t have married her.  My mom showed appreciation for everything my dad ever gave her, and I know that meant the world to my dad that no matter how small or insignificant an item he gave her, she appreciated it. BTW- The last word my dad ever said was her name.  

 

If you do really love and want to marry this man, I would suggest you do as 

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@minipenguin:  suggested.

As

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@minipenguin: said “I have noticed that a lot of times things like engagement rings are a source of pride for men, or at least it was for my SO. He actually told me when we were looking that he wanted me to find something that I would be proud to wear and show to my friends.”  VERY TRUE!

Post # 20
Member
1368 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@creativeplannertobee Really? he wouldn’t have married her if she had expressed her honest opinion about the rings? :/ I mean yes it’s a meaningful gesture and symbol, but it’s also (for many people) and expensive purchase that is discussed together, especially nowadays. I think that’s a bit unfortunate if that’s true, and hope it’s a hyperbole. But very sweet story nonetheless!

As for how this relates to OP, it sounds like she explicitly said she didn’t want a ring, and most definitely not one with prongs due to a prior injury/mishap. I should think that it’s quite reasonable for her SO to respect these reasons!

 

Post # 22
Member
463 posts
Helper bee

Ugh I’m so sorry you’re going through this!

Do you have any idea why he is reading so much into this ring thing? Anything in his past or personality that could cause him to build up one thing into a do-or-die moment for your relationship?

It almost seems like he’s set up a “test” for your relationship that he doesn’t necessarily expect it to pass as-is. He may want to change some things about the relationship, but maybe he doesn’t know exactly what’s making him uncomfortable or how to tell you.

Maybe both of you could benefit from a traditional Festivus airing of grievances. However, he’s obviously unable to be rational at the moment. Purely in the interest of getting him back to normal, you may want to invest a few hours in shamelessly stroking his ego. On the weekend or a few days from now, once he’s back to normal, you should have a big-ass talk and make sure that neither of you are hiding concerns and both of you are fulfilled in your relationship.

While you’re waiting to do that, really think about your position too. Your doubts may be justified if he acts this way all the time. Before talking with him, you need to know in your own mind if you’re 100% ready to stand by him or if you still have reservations.

Best of luck girl!

Post # 23
Member
41 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2014

I think you both are super hurt right now and tensions are high and you may want to give it some time like some of the Bees are suggesting. It does sound like he just wanted to do something really nice for you and he may have thought in his opinion that the ring was really nice and that you would like it even though he didn’t take into consideration all of your preferences. I think its definitely important to let him know how much you love him and the thought he put into all of this but just let him know the concerns you had about money, etc. But I think in some cases (such as this) women are kind of put into a situation where we may have to tell a little lie and grin and bear it so not to hurt their feelings. Its just like when we ask “does this make me look fat?” do we really want to hear “um yeah honey you look like you’ve got rolls galore poking out everywhere”? I know I dont!

But if you are absolutely opposed to wearing it then maybe you can mention exchanging it later (at a better time)- or you can do like most women and just plan to get an upgrade or a better ring of your choice at your 5 or 10 year anniversary 😛

Post # 24
Member
437 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

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@IndyCat:  How old are you and your boyfriend? He’s being very childish…

Post # 26
Member
357 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2005

I told this scenario to DH, and he said, “Well, at least this happened while there’s still time for her to get out,” so there’s a man’s opinion.

Getting someone a surprise gift is always a gamble.  You are not obligated to like it, and assuming you’re recounting the way it went down, where you didn’t complain, but just answered honestly when he asked what you thought of it, his reaction is completely uncalled for and ridiculous.

Sure, he’s hurt, but the way he’s reacting to that hurt is the big red flag.

Post # 28
Member
7679 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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@MrsSnowMountain:  Yes!!!  I am paraphrasing here but,  My mother told me (more than once) that when my dad was trying to decide on who he wanted to marry (he had been dating my mom and another woman), he went and talked to my grandmother -and told her that he was deciding on who he was going to ask to marry him, and told his mother that “___ (my mom) appreciated everything he did, and gave her, even if it was just an ice cream cone,” apparently, my grandmother (who wasn’t even nice to my mom, and talked about her behind her back!) said, then I guess you’ve made your decision then.”

Post # 29
Member
851 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

You are both being childish.

Post # 30
Member
1368 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@creativeplannertobee Well that’s a lovely and sensible reason to choose someone as a life partner! Very different from basing it all on one reaction to one piece of jewelry now that I have more context 😉 It seems to me like OP definitely appreciates the thought, and I’m really torn when giving advice, because I would probably just suck it up and wear it. But it’s not fair of me to advise someone else to do that, when I think the principle of the thing is that her SO actually went against her stated wishes and reasonable financial concerns.

 

Post # 31
Member
251 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

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@creativeplannertobee:  Yes I agree that we should express appreciation for the little things in life but the man shouldn’t act so childish when the gesture is completely opposite of her wish. 

 

If I was OP and my Fiance did something I expressed on many occasions I didn’t want/like, I would be PO’ed! If she is considering a life with this man, then there should be honesty in the relationship. Don’t be a b*tch but just say “thank you for the gift honey but remember what I said before?” And he should put on his big boy undies and take the criticism!

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