(Closed) An unhappy proposal – ring drama?

posted 7 years ago in Rings
Post # 32
Member
80 posts
Worker bee

Is it possible that his mother was involved in insisting that your fiance get you a ring and maybe helped pick it out?  I only say this because he confided in her that you were not happy with the ring. 

You need to explain to him that you feel horrible that he is sad on a day that is so important to the both of you.  Tell him that you were thrown when he presented you with the ring, it was such a surprise because you thought you were both on the same page about not wanting a ring. Ask him why he bought you one if he knew that you were against wearing one.  Tell him that as much as you hate hurting his feelings, you have always been honest with him so the words tumbled out. Tell him that you would be proud to wear an engagement ring from him but you would like to see if you could exchange it for one similar to the one he gave you but without the prongs since you have been injured in the past.

 

I think you also need to tell him that you overheard him talking to his mother and that he said that he has sacrifised so much to be with you and that it is always him who has to change.  What did he mean by this?

I hope it all works out for you. If it is a truly committed relationship, honesty and compromise are a must.

Post # 33
Member
836 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

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@minipenguin:  I disagree that she doesn’t have a place to be angry. But let me clarify:

 

I don’t think there’s a reason to be angry about the details of the ring. The size, the prongs, whatever. Or that he got a ring and surprised her with it. Those aren’t reasons to be angry. But right now, those things are exacerbating the anger that comes from being treated the way she is by him at the moment. Saying that he didn’t care if watching their show without her would hurt her feelings, that he wouldn’t wear a wedding band that she picked out. Those are mean things to say and they were said to be mean. She has every right and reason to be angry about those things. 

 

I understand that he is hurt, and I understand why. But that does not make it okay to be intentionally mean. She didn’t hurt him on purpose, but he said things purposely to hurt her. That’s not fair. The conversation with his mom wasn’t meant for her to hear, but the things he said directly to her were intentional. Asking her to leave so that he doesn’t say something mean and then going out of his way to say something mean before she left is not fair. And she has every right to be angry about them. What’s hard at this point is not letting the things like the size and the prongs exacerbate her anger over justifiable things. Those things, if a fight breaks out, need to be left behind. The details of the ring are NOT part of it and bringing them up in anger will only make things much worse. 

Post # 34
Member
1360 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

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@ellisrobertson:  You are right, I meant being angry over the ring, but over his reaction, I would be upset too.

Post # 35
Member
7680 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Sorry ladiesI beg to differ, here–and I am not being snarky, but I hope that what my (true) stories illustrate here is that when a man goes to such trouble to choose a ring for his woman-one he takes time and effort to choose, AND SURPRISE her with, especially when she is NOT EXPECTING IT,  when he”finds a way to afford” despite having a tight budget, low pay, child support–whatever, IT IS DEFINITELY LINKED TO HIS PRIDEin his mind, she has just told him HE is not good enough. Period.  In his mind, she could have just told him “his family jewels” weren’t good enough for her.  THAT’s why he was looking for her reaction, how he watched her when she saw the ring–said you didn’t really look at it, etc.  When he asked if he did it right, he was basically asking her if he was man enough for you that is why it is such a pride thing for men. You can choose to believe/understand this or not, it doesn’t matter to me. But, FWIW-I have been married to the same man for over 30 years.

Think about this:  When you exchange wedding rings–you are asked, “Do you accept this ring as a token of love. . . “

 

Post # 36
Member
858 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

@IndyCat:

So here’s my opinion.

1. Getting the wrong size is nothing.  I know your upset so having that added to it is just making it worse.  Hopefully once you’ve calmed down you’ll realize that it’s an easy and simple mistake.  I even told my fiance what size I am, it didn’t fit, and I know he told the jeweler the size I told him.

2. Just leave him be for at least tonight.  I’d be hurt too if my fiance watched one of our shows like that but chances are once he’s calm down he’s going to feel bad.  He just needs to cool off.

3. It honestly sounds like you two just need to communicate better.  I’m not talking about this issue with the ring.  Him whining to his mom and telling her things he’s never told you is not good.  That’s like how some couple get on facebook and say things they shouldn’t about their fight with their significant other.  You also need to get him to realize that he’s not the only one who makes sacrifices even if he doesn’t see the ones you make.

4. He might like the over all look of the ring.  That ring might have just shouted out to him “engagement ring” and that’s why he picked it.  I suggest you just give it a chance and see if it’ll wear off on you.

5. Just because he gave it to you doesn’t mean you have to like it.  He asked you and you were honest with him.  Sometimes the truth hurts but it’s better to have a truthful relationship than one where you question each others true feelings.  Unless I missed something while you said you didn’t like it you never said you wouldn’t wear it.  If you really don’t want to wear it than don’t.

If once he calms down you two still can’t get along, I suggest you two see a therapist or break up.  I don’t agree with him calling his mother (or anyone else) to complain like that but him wanting to be alone is just his way of dealing with being upset.  He is obviously hurt and that’s how he deals with things like that.  He didn’t abuse you in anyway or go around breaking the china.

Post # 37
Member
7680 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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@ellisrobertson:  
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@minipenguin:  I think that they probably both need a little time to cool down.  I’m sure that we’ve all said things have been mean when very hurt, at least I know I have.

 

Post # 38
Member
7199 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

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@IndyCat:  Goodness. I’m so sorry it went down this way!

First, I think what other people have said about his pride being hurt is very right. I know my very sensitive man would be really, really sad if I didn’t love my ring. I don’t really blame you for telling him the truth (assuming you did it gently) because he did ask, but I get his hurt feelings and need for space. 

HOWEVER… to talk crap about you to his mother and outright telling you he was trying to hurt you by watching “your” show without you is immature. Before you said all that I thought “Oh, he’s just licking his wounds. Give him space.” but if this is how he handles disappointment and hurt, it could be a really bad sign. I HATE it when bees are always jumping to “leave him!” but a lifetime together is going to have a LOT of hurt and disappointment. If his M.O. is going to be to try to hurt you back and talk bad about you to mommy, he is not ready for a real commitment. 

While I do think you should give him space and then try to calmly, nicely explain that you were really surprised he got a ring at all and were trying to reconcile your need to “be responsible” with the very nice gesture… you also need to get some couples counseling. Since your wedding is supposed to be so soon… I would seriously call off work TOMORROW if you could get an appointment. 

Post # 39
Member
1360 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

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@creativeplannertobee:  I have, and I always regret them soooo much, its like this nasty beast rears its head fron the depths of a black lagoon in my soul I didnt even know existed lol And then I cry because I realize how horrible what I just said really is lol

Post # 42
Member
144 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

My fiance bought me two beautiful rings before me an engagement ring, and I know both times he gave me those beautiful rings he got really upset after… Because I thought he was getting ready to propose both times and he wasn’t… Even though I didn’t say anything he could see it in my face. Now that he has proposed he was screwed over by the sales person when he bought the ring, and we are just coming to see that it is not going to last- it has to be replaced. 

 

All that is meant to say- I can understand because my fiancé is feeling shitty about himself bomber the ring based on that.

 

couples have to not only be willing to be honest, but also to accept honesty. I think he has every right to be hurt that you didn’t care for the ring, but HE ASKED. And the behavior in regards to it is childish and immature. I’d let him cool off then sit down and talk with him. You need to explain what I said above- if he asks you a question then he needs to be willing to accept an honest answer, even though it means the answer may sometimes hurt.

Post # 43
Member
2496 posts
Buzzing bee

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@creativeplannertobee: +1.

 

OP, not cool. I think it’s unwise to pooh-pooh an expensive, meaningful gift the way you did. Your FI’s reaction was a little severe, but you should find a way to express your appreciation.

Post # 44
Member
1334 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013 - Kempinski San Lawrenz, Gozo

@IndyCat:  

“To top it off, he pays a ton of child support to his ex and I feel terribly guilty about having an unnecessary ring that strains his budget.”


It’s not an unnecessary ring – it’s an engagement ring, the most meaningful and symbolic ring you’ll ever wear besides a wedding ring. and Fiance is probably hurt because you don’t see the importance in it. Considering the fact thaht you’re getting married so soon, it was an incredibly sweet gesture, and must feel completely shot down. He made a lot of sacrifices for that ring, the least you could do is wear it with pride. 

On the other hand Fiance is not going about this the right way either, saying he doesn’t care if he hurts your feelings, and disclosing stuff about your relationship with his mother. you’re both hurt, so you need to talk. NOW is the time to both see how much you’re willing to compromise for each other. 

Honesty is important, yes, but there are ways in communicating honesty in a way that doesn’t hurt anyone. You could say something like “It sure isn’t something I’d have chosen myself, but you got it for me, and I love what it symbolises – i’ll wear it with pride to show everyone I’m in love with you”.

your SO obviously thinks it’s a beautiful ring. Sometimes our loved ones see beauty in things, and we just can’t see it. Like ourselves, and our flaws. And I think that’s awesome. I hope you either learn to see the beauty of your ring as he sees it, or if it’s that offensive to look at (which I doubt it is), you’ll both reach a healthy compromise. 


Good luck.

Post # 45
Member
445 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

OP I think it aould be a lot of help if you explained how you told him that the ring was not your style. I have a feeling that some people are expecting that you scoffed at it or were rude about it. I personally think you did the right thing telling you SO the truth about how you feel, as long as it was done witb tact. For a less extreme example, my grandma buys me clothes, weird weird clothes then asks if I like them. I am not gonna lie to her face so I say something like “yoh knkw it isnt my usual style, but I love that its from you and I am already planning what to wear it with!” It is gentle but appriciative in my opinion.

Post # 46
Member
490 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

I think you guys should both take some time to cool down.  I can see why he is upset.  Guys are under so much pressure to pick a good ring.  They act like if its not perfect, its the end of the world which isnt’ always the case. 

I do agree it isn’t good that he is calling and talking to his mother about you.  From experience, it can put some damage on a relationship.  He shouldn’t be going to her for his problems, especially if you guys are at the point where you are getting married.  He should take some time to cool down and talk to YOU about how he feels.  That way, you guys can work it out.  Its really not his mother’s business. 

Like many have suggested, maybe you guys should look into counseling.  After marriage, it is only going to get worse.  Is this how it is going to be everytime he gets hurt?  I hope your relationship won’t end over a ring.

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