(Closed) An unhappy proposal – ring drama?

posted 8 years ago in Rings
Post # 47
Member
742 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Adults try to solve their relationship problems themselves instead or at the very least, before, whinging to their mum about it like a spoilt baby. 

“You didn’t think the ring I knew you didn’t want was the best thing in the world so i’m going to sulk” like a petulant child. 

He knew you weren’t interested, he obviously is. The sensible thing to do would have been for him to explain he thought it was important and discussed that with you, then find a ring you can wear if you aren’t into jewelry. I don’t care how romantic surprise ring buying is supposed to be there is nothing more romantic than excellent communication and caring about each others feelings as much as your own. 

I don’t think egos and pride are precious things that need to be preserved. Relationships just might be though. I wish I had a good suggestion on how to move forward for you. There has to be a rational discussion. You will both have to be honest and accept honesty. If he feels only he compromises tell him your position. 

It sounds to me like he “just wanted to be right” all by himself this one time. I hear that a lot, from my Dad who has NPD, it comes from a feeling of entitlement to be right, but I don’t believe there is one. Being right isn’t as important as being respectful. It doesn’t sound to me like you were overtly disrespectful, but he was. 

 

Post # 48
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@IndyCat:  I honestly think you haven’t done anything wrong here, but on the same note I also understand why he could be a little hurt. I don’t think that’s an excuse to the way he has reacted though, he could have handled things like an adult but for whatever reason hes not. He can’t possibly want you to wear this ring for the rest of your life if it’s not the ring you want and you don’t think it’s the right time to buy it. 

 

In your position I think I would wait until he cools down and explain to him why his reaction bothers you, you are about to commit to life with this person and there is no reason to be anything but 100% honest about your expectaions of one another (this includes your expectations about financial choices that the two of you have previously made together- ie., large purchases like this ring that the two of you agreed not to buy, as well as “acting out” and using his mother as a soundboard). 

 

I would also do this gently because I do agree that rings are a point of pride with men. I actually have two heirloom diamonds that are very similar to the cut/color/clarity/carrat size of the center stone in the ring we purchased, but my Fiance INSISTED that we buy our own just because he wanted to buy me a diamond that was really ours. It’s important for him for some reason I can’t fathom to have a ring to show off to my friends and family that he was able to buy. I love my ring, and can’t wait for it to get here, but I get sick to my stomach when I think about how much money we’ve spent. If we had any other loans out, or huge finacial obligation looming around I would not have allowed him to purchase it. 

 

I’m so sorry that something he meant to be a hapy occasion turned out like this , he’s obviously bummed too. So don’t ever be anything but honest, but tread lightly would be my advice 🙂 

Post # 49
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

View original reply
@Anardana:  “He knew you weren’t interested, he obviously is. The sensible thing to do would have been for him to explain he thought it was important and discussed that with you, then find a ring you can wear if you aren’t into jewelry. I don’t care how romantic surprise ring buying is supposed to be there is nothing more romantic than excellent communication and caring about each others feelings as much as your own.”

+10000000000000 

Post # 50
Member
256 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012 - Motor museum

I disagree ladies. Sorry. I think he has every right to be terribly upset with this reaction. Why couldn’t you just gush over the ring?

Post # 51
Member
508 posts
Busy bee

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@keranos:  “I disagree ladies. Sorry. I think he has every right to be terribly upset with this reaction. Why couldn’t you just gush over the ring?”

 

 

 

Let’s take the emotion out & try this on for a comparison – Suppose OP is against the use of/wearing of animal fur, and her SO buys her a fur coat. Would she be justified in her disappointment and honesty in telling him THAT wasn’t her style? Or should she then also fake emotion to appease his inability to receive criticism like a grown-up?

It’s not like she said she hates it and berated him for the purchase (going off her words). She just said it wasn’t her style.

Post # 52
Member
1334 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013 - Kempinski San Lawrenz, Gozo

View original reply
@JoCoJenn:  but it’s not a fur coat. it’s a ring. no animals were killed. i don’t see your point.

Post # 53
Member
256 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012 - Motor museum

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@JoCoJenn:  No comparision. I am sorry this is just my opinion but if I were OP fiance I would be devestated and be seriously reconsidering wedding.

But hey that’s just my opinion. No attacks please lol

Post # 54
Member
256 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012 - Motor museum

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@Adams_bee:  + 1000000000000000000000 – total nonsensical comparision. lol

Post # 55
Member
508 posts
Busy bee

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@Adams_bee:  The point is its something she was previously clear on in her communication to him about her preferences … Doesn’t matter if it’s an ering, a fur coat, or any other gift. He chose to ignore her feelings on the matter, then acted like a child throwing a tantrum when he asked for & received the truth. 

 

Mind you, I am not saying that his heart wasn’t in a good place by buying it, or that she should snub him completely for the gift. I am just saying that his reaction to the truth he asked for was immature & unwarranted, given the circumstances. 

Post # 56
Member
508 posts
Busy bee

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@keranos:  Well, let’s see how nonsensical it is when in married life, other more significant preferences, wishes, etc aren’t taken into consideration, or worse, are made to feel inferior by reacting childishly and running to mommy when his poor little feelings get hurt by truth and/or criticism. Maybe some people like being married to someone like that but I sure as heck wouldn’t. A responsible, mature person (which I would hope for someone in their mid30s) is to maybe take a moment, but talk it through with their partner, not call mommy up and whine like a toddler. If you can’t have respectful honesty in a marriage, you shouldn’t get married.

Post # 57
Member
903 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

View original reply
@JoCoJenn:  Agreed. If I expressly told my DH I didn’t want something and he got it for me anyway, I would think it’s a waste of money. I don’t think the fact that it’s an engagement ring should make any difference.

An engagement ring is not required for marriage — plenty of cultures don’t wear them at all. A lot of my European friends say they’re totally not a big deal in their countries and most people just have a wedding band. Why does she have to gush over something she specifically said she didn’t want just to spare the “feelings” he’s attached to the inanimate object? If finances are an issue then it’s perfectly sensible to not want an engagement ring, and it’s not like she told him, “This is the ugliest effing thing I’ve ever seen.” I think he’s acting very immaturely.

Post # 58
Member
1334 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013 - Kempinski San Lawrenz, Gozo

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@JoCoJenn:  it’s a gift. the giver of the gift chooses the gift. HE WANTS TO MARRY HER. he didn’t even HAVE to get her the ring but he chose to bend over backwards for her anyway. I’d rock that shit with PRIDE. The ring is not against her beliefs (unlike a fur coat – i still don’t get the comparison), she’s just being picky about it when all he wanted to do is do something nice for her. 

Post # 59
Member
256 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012 - Motor museum

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@JoCoJenn:  Nonsense, there are give and take situations. If my husband made an effort and brought me a gift I would graciously accept. Is my engagement ring what I would have originally chosen, no. Do I love it, yes of course I do. Because my husband chose it on his own and made an effort to please me.

Post # 60
Member
256 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012 - Motor museum

+ 1 again

Post # 61
Member
508 posts
Busy bee

While OP will need to tactfully address the ring at some point, I think her bigger & more immediate issue is going to be addressing 1) his acceptance of honesty/her feelings on things once they are married; and 2) his retaliatory reactions to things when he doesn’t get his way. He could not buy her a ring, or buy her one she picks out herself, but if he still does those things once they are married, no ring or gift will make a difference or excuse his behavior. 

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