(Closed) An unhappy proposal – ring drama?

posted 7 years ago in Rings
Post # 62
Member
256 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012 - Motor museum

Pick your battles. If this is a huge issue that reoccurs in the relationship then please do address. But not when the poor guy tried to do something nice. Why shouldn’t he be able to talk to someone about it? He is obviously very hurt. Best he keeps quite than blurts something he will regret.

Post # 63
Member
508 posts
Busy bee

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@Adams_bee:  

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@keranos:  

Well then, there you have it. You both clearly are more concerned with the gift. I just happen to place more value on my relationship as a whole, and my partner treating me, my feelings & our relationship with maturity & respect, regardless of what he buys me.

 

 

I get you don’t always get to pick your gifts … But you ARE entitled to your feelings. And I would hope – if you marry someone – you can share your feelings about anything in an honest, respectful way. If you can’t, it doesn’t sound like much of a marriage to me. 

Post # 64
Member
508 posts
Busy bee

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@keranos:  “Why shouldn’t he be able to talk to someone about it? He is obviously very hurt. Best he keeps quite than blurts something he will regret.”

 

He CAN talk to someone about it – his soon to be wife … ya know, the one he is going to live with forever and for whom the ring was purchased! And he didn’t keep quiet … He cried to mommy about it, and OP heard it, and he reacted in a retaliatory manner when he didn’t like OP being honest. 

 

The ring/gift is the least of the issues here, IMO. 

Post # 65
Member
96 posts
Worker bee

I’m going to differ with the majority opinion here as well.  First, I’m on these boards because I’m the mother of a bride to be and I’m extremely excited about being involved in my only child’s wedding planning.  I’m enjoying reading everyone’s stories and questions and ideas, but mostly I’m ASTOUNDED at what weddings have become since I got married 32 years ago.

I’m going to say to you what I would say to my own daughter, so please know that this is not meant to sound harsh.  It is coming from life experience and only a good lace.

First off, it’s a RING.  It is a symbol of his love for you and it was something he took care and sacrifice to purchase.  But it is just that – a SYMBOL.  It does not define your love.   Honestly, when my husband gave me my ring 33 years ago, I didn’t really care for the style.  But I never said a word.  I wore it proudly because I was so in love with him.  He didn’t have any idea of style then (and he still doesn’t).  After all these years, I think I’m on my 3rd ring.  My original is tucked in my jewelry box and my daughter can take the stone and make it into something she will enjoy, always knowing it was a symbol of her parents loved passed on to her.

 If you are rethinking marrying the man you love because of his reaction to this – and granted perhaps he isn’t handling it right, but he is obviously deeply hurt – what on earth are you going to do when really big things happen?  Believe me, this is just a drop in a very large ocean of what happens  in life. 

So my advice – put on the ring, remind yourself of  what it means and apologize.  Sometimes we have to be the bigger person.  It will be his turn later on to be the bigger person and then yours again.  And again and again.  That’s what marriage is.  It’s not all the planning and festivities that everyone seems to get caught up in.

God bless you both and I really hope you can work through this and enjoy your wedding in a couple short weeks and have a beautiful life together.

Post # 66
Member
256 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012 - Motor museum

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@JoCoJenn:  I think you are being over analytical. However, I am from the UK, and I have tend to find that I don’t look into things as deeply as others on this board. Not sure if this is cultural thing maybe? I think her OH made a huge effort brought a gift, it was not received well, now he is upset. Black and white.

Let’s not make this more than it is.

Post # 67
Member
4760 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@AlyssasMom:  I know you wrote that for the OP but thank you for writing that…. 

It was honest and it is a really great reminder about what a marriage and a relationship is all about. We brides tend to hype up about the wedding but forget that life keeps going once that one special day is over.

Post # 68
Member
508 posts
Busy bee

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@keranos:  When you are considering marrying someone, you shouldn’t do it based on the gift he/she buys or doesn’t buy you; rather, because you love this person, respect them, and want to & can share all of your experiences (good & bad) with them for the rest of your lives. If you can’t do that, no ring will make a difference. That’s not being over analytical and it’s not a cultural thing – its called being mature and placing value on the things that matter and make a good, sustaining marriage. Rings don’t make a marriage. Compromise, communication, respect and love make a marriage. 

Post # 69
Member
977 posts
Busy bee

@AlyssasMom  Agree 110%!!!!!!!!!

I was married for a little over 10 years. I didn’t have the ring of my dreams or the highest quality diamond. I was still proud to wear that ring every day that we were married. 

OP:  Suck it up buttercup – what is important to you..material things or love?  Material things will get you no where —-> divorced in a few years without love.  Love is far more important aspect of a relationship. Not a ring or material items.  

 

Post # 70
Member
674 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

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@creativeplannertobee:  Wedding rings are completely different from an engagement ring. Although both are unnecessary, an engagement ring is even more so. What you are saying sounds horrendous and offensive to me. If getting a particular gift is such a financial and emotional burden, then you would think the man would make some effort to get it right, especially after she has outright told him about her preferences, both in rings and in not having one. Of course, often times women think they are being clear and speaking up but really they dance around a subject and say things in an indirect, guess-what-i-really-mean-and-if-you-really-love-me-you’ll-be-able-to-decipher-my-encrypted-message sort of way. Given her honesty in response to the ring, I wouldn’t guess that is the case.

Then again, I also have a hard time faking excitement over something I find less than thrilling. I guess I haven’t trained myself well enough in how to be fake and a liar. 

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@IndyCat:  His pride may be hurt, yes. Or maybe he just wants you to be grateful no matter what he does. Either way,he is acting very immature and I would be angry, too, at the way that he is behaving, and also about how is acting like he made such a sacrifice to get you something you didn’t want and obviously without putting that much thought into it or it would have the features that you like and be a style that is more you. Personally, I hate gifts and I hate surprises, for this very reason. I really can’t say that just because someone gives me something that I will automatically love it, cherish it, or even keep it. 

Post # 71
Member
3657 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

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@Anardana:  you said

 

He knew you weren’t interested, he obviously is. The sensible thing to do would have been for him to explain he thought it was important and discussed that with you, then find a ring you can wear if you aren’t into jewelry. I don’t care how romantic surprise ring buying is supposed to be there is nothing more romantic than excellent communication and caring about each others feelings as much as your own. 

 
This. So much this.
 
 

Post # 72
Member
508 posts
Busy bee

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@jmaze:  I don’t take OP being as offended by the ring itself, but rather his behavior & response to her honesty about the ring, and his retaliatory actions and words. Should she have to “suck it up buttercup” every time he acts immature and bratty as a married couple when he doesn’t get his way? How about if he were to become abusive? Should she still suck it up, and keep looking at the ring she didn’t want as a symbol of that forthcoming eternity of sucking it up? 

 

I am amazed at how darn bad some people make it sound like they got “a” ring and should then just shut up like all of a sudden the ring fixes everything… As if OP should be bowing at his feet in gratitude for gracing her with his childish behavior and a ring she didn’t want. Boy, we should all be so lucky! 

Post # 73
Member
674 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

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@jmaze:  I would say the Fiance is making more of a big deal about material things than she is!

Post # 75
Member
3657 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

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@AlyssasMom:  Frankly, I can’t imagine my husband of 24 years acting like this.I would have run the other way if he pulled this.

But the real thing is –none of us know how long they’ve been together and how many previous things like this have happened.

Are they generally on the same page about how to spend money? We have no idea.

The OP is wise to be cautious in getting married but only she can put this single episode into a context of their overall relationship.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Post # 76
Member
977 posts
Busy bee

@JoCoJenn  She’s not being abused in this topic, is she? So don’t mention that.  It’s about the ring. Her original post was about being bratty about the ring and hurting her SO’s feelings over a materialistic piece of metal and stone.  Not worth hurting someone over.  A man that took the time to purchase a ring for the woman he loves, took the time to think of how to propose, all the feelings he had leading up to the proposal and she did that to him and totally hurt him. It’s not fair to him.  Not one bit.  Over what? A ring? Yeah, so…enough said.  Keep calm and read on. I’m not arguing with poeple on the internet over someone else’s stupidity.  Enough said.  

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