- 4 years ago
I’m posting as I found not only the advice on here but also reading other people’s stories really helpful in making my decision.
This is my previous post for background: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/long-term-relationship-help/
In brief, I was early 30s, he was 8 years older. I was keen on marriage and children, which he always said he wanted too but never with a clear timeline. We also had issues in that we couldn’t agree how to spend time together so I often ended up going to things on my own whilst he prioritised his hobby, which I tried but didn’t enjoy.
It took me a long time to decide to leave. Thinking about the following things really helped me:
1. You can’t change people, they have to want to change. So your decision is whether you can accept them as they are. Do you want to live your life like this as marriage is not going to change it drastically?
2. Do I really believe that he wants the same things as me like he says, given that he normally would just go out and do something he wanted to. Do I trust him any more to do the right thing by me given his actions so far?
3. Will anyone else want me, particularly as I’m going to want kids sooner rather than later given my age?
What I realised was that we’d grown apart, that I didn’t believe he wanted the same things (at least not with me, I had visions of him going ‘well you wanted them’ if I asked him to help out with potential future kids) and that I wasn’t wrong for wanting what I did. I could not accept the situation as it was so I asked him to leave. It felt like a weight was lifted as I didn’t have to stress about him or the fighting any more. A few months later he told me he wanted to give things another go but in my mind the relationship was over and I had moved on. I started online dating with the encouragement of a friend who was also doing it and earlier this year met the man I believe I’m going to marry. He jokes about where our wedding will be, makes plans for the future and is happy to discuss it all, including children and where we’ll live. He was even considering where he could move in future to be nearer to me within a few months of being together. We are honest if there are issues and we like doing the same things and spending time together. It has felt so comfortable and easy with him.
I have to say I was nervous about online dating but I was clear on my profile I was looking for a serious relationship including marriage and kids. I went on several dates with the attitude that I was meeting someone new and interesting and it would be fun. I met a lot of nice guys, a few of whom I liked enough to see again. It was great that I could see on their profile if they said they wanted kids or not, so I could easily filter before even meeting! I asked if it wasn’t on their profile as I figured if the question scared them off, they clearly weren’t right for me anyway.
I know there are a few people who are in a similar situation as I was and I know how agonising it was. If you want to ask any questions please do. I just wish you all the best, whatever you decide to do. Remember that what you want does matter and you’re not wrong for wanting it.