(Closed) An update from someone who left a 10+ year relationship

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
3869 posts
Honey bee

Wonderful update – thanks for posting it. I hope it helps other bees who are questioning their relationships. So often we all reply to GET OUT, but your real experience will help them see they should listen to their gut, (and us!).  It is especially good for them to see that you CAN leave a long term relationship and find the happiness you deserve.

Post # 3
2165 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

I am really glad for you, that you have moved on so well. I only want to say that your #2 point should be a major one, for any woman wondering if a guy will ever be ready to propose. 

When he wants something, is it as good as done, or does he take his time, weighing all options and dragging his feet until he is 100% sure?

This could determine the answer for many of our waiting Bees.

Post # 4
10286 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Great update bee! 

Post # 5
35 posts

Thank you for the update!  I find myself in the position that you were in – I’m 33 with a boyfriend of almost four years who gets mad when I want to talk about our future/marriage/children.  I find it unreasonable that I can’t bring it up without him saying, “Why do you want to talk about this AGAIN?” I never thought it would be so hard to talk about things you’re supposed to be happy about, especially since I only bring it up every few months.  But I mostly do so because he won’t give me any sort of an answer on anything other than, “You know what I want, why do you keep asking?”  Well, we looked at rings over a year and a half ago, and still nothing.

Part of me wonders if it’s not happening because we’re just not right for each other, and I have thought about leaving, but I’m so scared to start over again at age 33.  As you mentioned, heading out into the dating world being like, “I’m 33, so things have to move somewhat fast if it works out” doesn’t always come across very well.  But the other part of me feels like you’re supposed to be with someone who is at least happy to talk to you about getting married and doesn’t get mad when the topic comes up.

I can’t imagine it was easy to leave after eight years, but I’m glad you’re happy and thank you so much for sharing!

Post # 6
115 posts
Blushing bee

Thanks for writing this update and I’m so glad you sound like you’re much happier now! I can also relate to this because I’m still currently dealing with a similar situation and have been battling back and forth on whether to stay or go.. I”m 33 and he’s about to turn 41 tomorrow and we’ve been together for 7+ years. I’ve written a few posts on here with some amazing advice from other bees that I have taken to heart.. the difference with my situation which has made it even more complicated and intertwined is that he runs a business that I have also worked for all this time. 

So the gyst is that over the years, we lived and worked together 24/7 so we spent literally every waking minute together. We actually enjoyed each other’s company and liked similar things that got us in a routine (loved eating at new places together and doing everything together, etc) but the issue became I was so immersed in his world (that yes I enjoyed because we had an exciting job and lifestyle) but everytime I started bringing up our future and when we would get married, have kids, move out of the hotel we were living in all these years because of work reasons.. it was always met with “someday” “eventually” “promise it will be soon, I just have to focus right now and get work situated and then once I get it to where it needs to be, then you will be happy and get everything else you wanted” – but for years he could never agree to a specific timeline. 

I moved out into my own place (it was right across the street though because I had kept it, just never used it) so I have space now but.. it’s still been super hard to separate and let go completely because he’s been my best friend and I still work in the company.. despite him being there for me always and being a good loyal person to me that I am beyond comfortable with, there still have been other issues throughout the years which have made me hesitant and resentful i.e. lack of deep communication about getting on the same page about what we want for our future, lack of real intimacy and consistent sex, among a few other things.

I am also scared as you mentioned in your post to start over again at 33, because I’m worried that it’s hard to find that connection and bond with someone again especially wanting kids sooner than later. Plus I don’t know if I could continue working with him, it would change our dynamic completely, so everything will be upside down for me in the sense of starting over and it’s so hard to imagine my life without him still even though I have been feeling it’s the right thing to do to end it (and I’ve tried ending it numerous times, but somehow I get pulled back in).. also he was opposite to your case in the sense that he actually wants to be with me 24/7 (which may be a co-dependent issue on the other end of the spectrum) but anyways, it’s never easy and he’s been trying to come around and now say he wants marriage and kids soon but part of me feels like over the years I just lost those deeper feelings because of the emotional rollercoasters I went through trying to get on the same page.

I know I need to stay strong and stick to what my gut tells me, even if it continues to fluctuate! :/ Good luck with everything and thanks for sharing your story!

Post # 7
661 posts
Busy bee

This is a beautifully written post. It really shows how far you have come, and what you learned about yourself when you let go of that old relationship. I hope your story can help those who are feeling unsure about leaving. I was in a similar situation and really took to heart your first point — do you want to live your life like this? I found that over the years he changed dramatically. Our timelines were nowhere near similar in the end. Like you it took me a while to come to the decision that it was time to move on. Wishing you nothing but happiness in the future!

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