(Closed) Anal sex…I just…cannot. HELP!!!!!!

posted 6 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 63
3870 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I’m going to suggest lube, lube, lube, lube, like such a disgusting amount of lube.

Second, have either of you actually researched it? I mean seriously looked into what actually goes into it? I know it’s not rocket science, but it’s also not as easy as most men think. My SO thought it was a simple as 1, 2, 3, and after making him research it, I found that he ended up being more nervous and uncomfortable with it. 

Thirdly, I agree with PP, get riproaring drunk. At least for the first time. It will help you relax enough that your body can’t and won’t clench unless in pain.

Fourthly, have him go slow and stop when you need to. Every time you need to. 

Lastly, and most importantly, unless you really, really want to do this, not just FOR HIM, but FOR YOU, then don’t do it. No one should be pressured into doing something they don’t want to do either by him or yourself thinking you need to do this for him. I felt my SO was getting a little too insitent, so I asked him if he’d like to go first and see how he’d like it, and that shut him up right quick. 

Talk it out between you and eventually it’ll fall into place if you want it to. 

Post # 64
134 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I’ve done it a few times before but my husband and I haven’t yet. We definitely plan on it, just haven’t gotten around to it. I enjoy anal play- have a toy for it too. I use numbing gel for when we get my toys out and I don’t use lube with that. When I had anal sex before, I used just lube. I definitely prefer the numbing stuff

That being said, I am not one to want to do it frequently. I enjoy the foreplay aspect of it more

Post # 65
276 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I just tell my Darling Husband as soon as I can put something of equal size up his bum I’ll do it….he drops the subject pretty quick. And when that doesnt work I’ll tell him the day he buys me a Louis vuitton purse is the day I’ll try.  

Post # 66
1891 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

NOPE. Fiance knows this will never happen & doesn’t even try to aask for it. IMO it’s gross and wrong. To each their own! 

Post # 67
339 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

It’s not the first thing I will order off the menu, but I do occassionally enjoy it (a few times a year). Once you relax – completely! – it actually feels pretty good! I can even orgasm just from anal sex.

My advice would be – as PPs have said – lots of lube. Relax, relax, relax. Patience from your partner and full communication. TIME. Don’t just shove it up there, and definitely start out with something small, like a finger or a small butt plug. It really can very enjoyable.

OH! And always, always use a condom, even if if it’s with your SO/husband and even if you don’t use condoms on the regular. Bacteria can go up his urethra and cause an awful infection, so it’s not just for your protection.

Post # 68
3051 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

@Timshel:  LOL!!!


OP, start with playing outside, let yourself loosen up and agree that the first couple of times playing outside he will not go in at all. Then let a fingertip in, then slowly a whole finger. Get comfortable with a few fingers, maybe try a dildo first. I’m in a lesbian relationship so I can’t attest for anal with a real penis but we use toys & I really enjoy it! My SO likes it occasionally. It worked out for us that we both like it, I know another couple that my friend wants to try it but her gf doesn’t. It can be really fun and satisfying but go really slow at first and know your boundaries. ONE “that’s enough” from you & it’s over…that needs to be understood.

Also, even coming out after (if you manage to try it), go slow. Do whatever you can to not clench. I find clitoral stimulation makes me tighten up but fingering helps me not clench.

But I echo PPs, if you don’t WANT to, don’t. He’ll get over it lol

Post # 69
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

@BurlapnLace:  Friend is gay and this is what he did/does (I havent tried it)

Do an enema. He does this every time he’s going to do it. Do it a few hours before you are going it have sex-sometimes there is a little water that needs to work its way out.

Use a condom. Makes clean up much easier. Also he hate the leakage afterward.

Start small- finger, small toys. Do this many, many, many times. Until you get used to the sensation.

Use lots of lube– check out non-water based lube. Yeah, not great for use with condoms, but you arent worried about pregnancy, so a condom breaking isnt a big deal. Other lubes might be better (do some research). But DONT use the desensetive lube. You want to feel things so you dont hurt yourself.


Post # 70
435 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

SO and I have tried it a few times and honestly, I am not a fan. I never found it appealing to begin with, but I’m willing to try things since I can’t say I don’t like something without ever having tried it. I agree with people saying that SO has to be open to being the receiver as well – if he’s not willing to be touched there, then you certainly don’t!

I made him wear a condom. I don’t with anything else since I’m on the pill, but condoms are lubed and I refuse to go from butt to vagina, and if it doesn’t work out, I want to continue with sex. Also, I second the “oceans of lube” comment. You have to be crazy relaxed, so usually SO would give me a really nice back massage beforehand and we’d have some wine and LOADS of foreplay. Start with a finger and move bigger as you get comfortable – I don’t mind that bit, it’s once it gets too big that I’m like, “ok, this isn’t how I wanted to spend my evening”. We took it super slow and it didn’t hurt since honestly, it took like half an hour just to get it in and then the sex was ridiculously gentle. Nothing remotely like in porn; I don’t know how those girls do it!

Anyway, I don’t like it just because I simply cannot get over the sensation of having to poop. Even though I know I don’t have to, it just feels wrong to me. Completely unsexy and I just don’t understand the appeal. But I’ve tried it, and that’s what counts!

Post # 71
293 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I felt the same way until I was tipsy one night and just let him do it. It wasn’t even that bad, barely hurt and since then I’ve actually let other things in there which makes him happy and I kind of even like it lol

Post # 72
373 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - Beach

You dont have to do something you dont want to do just to “please him”. But if yoou feel like this is something you want to try let me tell you my experience.

I have been with my Fiance for about 5 years now. First 3 years everytime i thought about i said to myself “HELL NO” lol. Then after me and my Fiance taking about it i sensed that he really wanted to try so we did. It hurt and I cried and I said i never want to do it again. after that we did stuff close to anal but with fingers and so on. I started liking it and one day we were a bit drunk and i was like okay its worth a shot and we did it. And to my surprise i loved it. What I can say now is that it takes a lot of practice and a lot of time so that you enjoy it. you must have lots of foreplay so that you dont get hurt but you should go for it. It’s new and it feels good once you practiced it a lot you wont be scared. BUT STILL if youre not ready for it yet dont do it because it might not make you feel good.

Post # 73
1088 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

We are just getting into this so I don’t have much experience but here are my thoughts- Fiance is an ass man, he loves curvy girls, and especially their behinds, which is great for my self esteem as I always have been curvy and he loves it!  He also was experienced in anal before we met and I was not. 

For a long time I wasn’t interested and he didn’t push, we would tease about it a lot though. This summer, I decided I would give it a try. I like to be a person that’s willing to at least try at all times. I told him if I hated it, that was it if course and he said yes, 100%. 

We eased into it, over two months of just play back there, with his hands and mouth. It was understood that nothing else was on the table yet. I enjoyed each time more and more. 

A few months later, I was ready to try. We had lots of foreplay and lube, and positioned it so I was in control, which I liked. Any foward progress was on my terms and I went so slow I’m sure I almost killed him. But it was nice, I didn’t hate it, and more importantly it didn’t hurt. It was better actually than my first real time as that did hurt. 

But I was too tense to finish and he didn’t either of course, it became just exploratory. A few weeks later I was ready to try again and this time was much easier and better. I actually orgasmed and it was amazing. He pulled out before his end, as I had decided that’s one thing I’m still not willing to try just yet!!



Post # 74
3470 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA

@BurlapnLace:  The wine and xanax aren’t a bad option… I’ve been fortunate that Darling Husband doesn’t really have any interest, which is good because my reaction would be about like your’s.  

Have you tried experimenting with toys? That might be a better way to start, instead of going straight for the real-deal.  It can also help you ease into it and give you a chance to see if it’s something you can get into or not.  

Post # 75
3295 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - An amazing non-profit retreat

Start small and work your way up. Darling Husband and I played around for a few months first and then I got rip-roaring drunk on our honeymoon and we went for it. We’ve done it a couple of times now. On the scale of special occasion sex, it’s definitely at the top of the list… It’s just so intense. The best thing I’ve found is to use a good oil based lube/massage bar and moan, scream, carry on, just let it out, don’t let tension build in your body. It’s very primal, really. I think that’s why guys like it so much. That and the super extra tightness of it all.


Post # 76
84 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

SO has asked me about this throughout our relationship.


i always tell him, “okay, I do you first, and then you do me?”

that shuts him right up.


Sorry, but my anus is EXIT ONLY.

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