(Closed) And another one bites the dust..

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

How old are you two?

Also, I’d love a heirloom ring. So much history behind it, and theyre usually so pretty and well-made! Plus, you could put more money toward the wedding. Is he absolutely against this?

Post # 4
Member
482 posts
Helper bee

when i read the part of him declining the ring it raised an eyebrow. its respectable that he wants to buy a ring himself, but hopefully this isnt a stall tactic to buy more time.

not everyone gets engaged in perfect financial condition, as evident from your story. after 5 years, even a stand by ring will do, can always upgrade later, its the sentiment behind it that matters.

i would have a sit down, and weigh out your options. age could be a factor in this well, u didnt say how old he is. but he may not be mentally read if hes young.

Post # 7
Member
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@she_might_be_modern:  are any of his friends married? it’s always harder when none of their friends are married…

Post # 8
Member
927 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

i totally understand where you are i was there for a while and my e-ring is a heirloom set that i got from my great grandmother. i would say since he is ok with you looking at the ring i say check it out and see if its something you really like. go into it with n open mind and really think if it is sometihng you could see yourself wearing. and if you love it dont be afraid to tell him so! my Fiance was very set of saving and buying me a new  ring that he picked out but as soon as i found out my GG’s gring was avalible i flat out told him that THAT ring (its actually a set but you get my point) is the one i want and if he wants to get me a ring do it for our 5 year anniversary or something like that. 

 

i had the advantage of always loving the ring i now wear but like Effietrinket said heirloom rings are oftentimes VERY well made (especially white gold i have noticed because a lot were made before the days of phodium plating they are not a dingy yellow but an actual silvery white) and the styles are often very pretty.

do you know approzimatly how many sizes too big it is? it is always a lot eaiser (and cheaper!) to go down than up but it also depends on the design how far it can go. do you have any family photos that show the ring or anyone who knows what it looks like that you can ask? 

Post # 11
Member
482 posts
Helper bee

@she_might_be_modern:  funny, my guy is eastern european too, and 27yo. dating 5 yrs now. we mustve picked a few odd balls, getting married young is the norm where hes from too. hopefully the ring checks out ok. 

Post # 12
Member
927 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@she_might_be_modern:  i think a big part of him buying you your own ring may come from him being easten european. i hve a friend who is russian and to him its a huge cultural thing for to provide for his fiance and that includes wanting to buy her everything new and without her help. so i would chalk up to his cultural influance of wanting to be the provider for you. im a lot of easter european cultures the man is the sole income provider so having you contribute for a big purchase may go against everything he was raised with. 

Post # 13
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

@she_might_be_modern:  I don’t think I’d worry about the sizing issue. I’ve only run into one ring, ever, that I’ve been told cannot be sized. (And I fell in love with it. Stupid me. πŸ˜€ ) But that’s mainly on account of the side stones. While things like halos, white gold, and sapphire accents that are trendy now were once somewhat commonplace, the kind of diamond-encrusting that we are seeing on rings today didn’t really seem to happen back then, and when it did, it was generally reserved for cocktail rings, rather than engagement rings. So don’t let the sizing scare you off if you love it.

As far as whether this may be a stalling technique, I suggest setting a walk date now.But don’t tell him about it–that will read as an ultimatum. Some bees dislike the idea of a walk date, but IMO there’s no reason why his needs should continue to be met while yours are not. It doesn’t have to be soon; in fact, I recommend setting it at least a year out at this point. You two are still fairly young, so TTC shouldn’t be an issue unless you have known fertility problems.

In the meantime, keep an open dialogue going about marriage. Studies confirm that the women who get married are the ones who insist on marriage, so let him know that for you, this is a non-negotiable (if it is, and I suspect that is the case.) He may just need a little while to come around, but if he IS stalling….well, that’s what the walk date is for. About six months ahead of time, implement Mr. Bee’s plan, and as it gets closer and closer, do more and more of what it recommends. Good luck!

Post # 14
Member
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Regardless of financial situation or timeline for becoming engaged, I’d take the heirloom ring!  Maybe you could encourage him to take it under the understanding that it does not mean the proposal is necessarily going to happen any time soon.

It sounds like he’s just not quite ready yet. 

Post # 16
Member
5002 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

I would talk to him about the heirloom ring, it’s not HIS decision it’s your (you and him) decision to make together. I have the stone from my grandmother’s ring and it’s so much more special (and larger and better quality) than something we could have bought at a jewelry store. My Fiance bought the side stones and the setting, so he still had input in the ring and was able to be proud of what he got me. 

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