(Closed) “And Guest”

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
793 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Why isn’t it an option?

Post # 4
Member
5388 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

Sorry you feel this way. Maybe they weren’t thinking when they addressed the invitations and just put “and guest” for all of the wedding party.

What other things have they done to make you feel like you weren’t a “static” part of his life?

Edit:

I would still support your FH and go because no matter what they may think of you, I am sure that he would like you there.

Post # 6
Member
793 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

You have a valid reason don’t you? You have a family reunion coming up in the same month right? You can tell Fiance you want to go to that, and not be rude but if my Fiance kinda got upset with me about being sad that his friend doesn’t think I’m important I wouldn’t be happy with Fiance either. I’m not telling you to get mad at your Fiance. I’m just saying I would be slighty hurt by Fiance also. And I don’t know your situation but if Fiance knew about your family reunion before this wedding, I would be really mad.

Post # 7
Member
1570 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. I can definitely see how that feels disrespectful to you to receive the invitation that shows the couple didn’t bother to find out your name! But, may I suggest the possibility that your social anxiety is causing you to feel even more upset about this than you otherwise might, to an extent that might cause your Fiance to have trouble understanding why this is such a big deal to you? I hope that you are receiving treatment in the form of counseling and possibly medication, as I have known many friends and family members whose social anxiety improved dramatically with these steps, and who experienced a marked increase in their quality of life. (Most of them said after they started medication, “I had no idea how much better my life could be!”) Facing a big wedding where you don’t know anyone and where your Fiance will be busy with best-man duties is daunting to anyone, for you to do it with social anxiety must seem horrible. I can imagine that your Fiance probably sees this wedding as very important, given that it’s his old friend, and he might feel a little hurt that he’s getting signals from you that you resent his participation.

I would hesitate before considering asking your Fiance to go without you. The invitation wording wasn’t classy, but it wasn’t a slap in the face either necessarily – if there are a lot of people being invited, it could have been a simple slip through the cracks in a hectic planning process. I do think you should show support for your FI’s old friendship by attending the wedding with him, but again, I hope you have the option of taking medication to alleviate your anxiety and allow you to have a less-miserable time, and maybe even enjoy yourself. Best of luck.

Post # 8
Member
463 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I  don’t think I’d feel pretty thrilled either if I was just considered “& guest”, especially that my Fiance is the best man.  The couple should have known at least your name by now.

If you don’t really want to go, don’t.  A reunion is a valid excuse.  It’s not a backyard barbecue at your neighbor’s house that we are talking about, this is a huge deal and something that you probably have already planned and saved on already.  If your fiance doesn’t mind you not being with him on that day, you can definitely “skip” this wedding.

Post # 9
Member
1570 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

@SoontobeMrsKiss I have to completely disagree with you about your implication that the OP should be angry with her Fiance for choosing to be the best man in his old friend’s wedding over the OP’s family reunion. I know if our best man told us he wouldn’t attend our wedding because of his wife’s family reunion, I’d be deeply hurt and so would my Fiance. Friendships are important to maintain and respect throughout our relationships and married life, and being asked to serve as best man for an old friend is an honor worth making allowances for.

Post # 11
Member
10851 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I wouldn’t be too thrilled about the “and guest” part either. Have you met this couple before? Likely it was the bride addressing the envelopes and if you haven’t met her (and your Fiance is more friends with the groom than her) then I could see how she might have just rushed through it, but honestly, that’s just kind of awful. I certainly wouldn’t do that to any of our wedding party’s SOs. But that’s me, not her. I can see why you’d be hurt and I think I would feel the same way, especially if I didn’t get the warm and fuzzies from FI’s friends in the first place.

Whether or not that’s a make it or break it though…. I’m assuming that if Fiance is best man, then maybe the groom is in your wedding party as well? With your own wedding coming up, maybe don’t burn those bridges right now. You don’t want this to somehow come back on Fiance and damage his relationship with his friends. Maybe you could look at this as an opportunity to build a friendship with some of his friends you haven’t gotten a good vibe from. Being there to support him and his friends on such a special occasion may prove to his friends that you ARE there for the long haul and you’re not going to disappear.

As for the social anxiety, I feel ya. I used to have it pretty bad, and my doctor put me on some wacky meds I didn’t like. I went to see a naturopath and she totally changed my life. Seriously. Like within a month. I’ve had to see her a couple of time since for when some bigger things are coming up and I start getting anxious again, but she figured out a great homeopathic remedy for me that worked with a natural anti-anxiety remedy and a couple other things and it’s helped me SO much. It feels so good to have my life back. PM me if you want some more details and maybe I can help or point you in the right direction.

Post # 12
Member
493 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I agree “and guest” is rude, I don’t think you’re being overly sensitive. 

Post # 13
Member
1956 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Tannery Pond at the Darrow School

I would be FURIOUS if my FH was the best man and we received an invitation that said “and guest.” That’s kind of mean of your FH to get upset at you for being rightfully upset at an extremely rude invitation… I think you have to decide whether it’s worth going to the reunion or the wedding but I wanted to let you know that I think your feelings are totally valid…

Post # 14
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

And guest is totally rude in general, and even more so in your situation – I would argue that it’s not just impolite but unkind to not remember or look up your best friend’s fiancee’s name.  Maybe your fiance was upset at you mentioning it because he knows that his friends aren’t the politest people – we are always more sensitive to true criticisms than false ones.  In any case if you decide to go the two of you should take this as a hint and ask about the arrangements at the wedding.  There are a lot of things that a host can do to make a shy guest feel welcome that aren’t at all hard, and if they haven’t done anything then your fiance as the best man can suggest some ideas.  For example, sit you with the wedding party, sit you with people you’ll like, introduce you ahead of time to other guests (your fiance can do this too).  Your fiance should have your back on this one since he is asking you to do something that isn’t easy for you. 

Post # 15
Member
1482 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I think it was very poor etiquette to put “and guest”, particularly since you live together!  However, I would try to look at it as the person who addressed the invites having poor manners, and not as a slight against you. 

I think it would definitely be in your best interests to find out in advance if you are going to be allowed to sit with your fiance, particuarly given your social anxiety.

 

Post # 16
Member
327 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

I would be furious if I received that invitation with “and guest”. He is the best man, and that is awful ettiquette considering how long you’ve been engaged. If he’s the best man, then the couple should at least know him well enough to get his fiance’s name right.

That said, I’d talk to your Fiance about your concerns and work out a plan that you both are okay with. I would hate to be at a big wedding and not know anyone. Maybe you can stay home, or your Fiance can find out if there’s anyone you know that will be there.

The topic ‘“And Guest”’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors