Post # 1
I’ve been a stalker for awhile on these boards. I’ve been feeling so guilty over some feelings I’ve been having about my upcoming wedding. I don’t feel like I can talk about these feelings with any friends. I hope you don’t mind if I spill my guts here.
On April 20, 2013, I will be marrying a man that adores me – I’ll call him E. He is such a nice guy. We’ve been together for 3 years. I was surprised the night he proposed – I had no idea. I was excited at the thought of marrying this great man.
As I’ve been putting this wedding together, I’m suddenly reminded of a relationship I was in about 10 years ago. I adored this man – I’ll call him D. He was my life. Almost daily I dreamed of our wedding, becoming his wife, having his children. We were together 3 years and then he just left me. I was devastated. I went through quite a long time of getting over him. I call it the ‘divorce’ even though we never married.
I feel so guilty over these feelings.. I think back to those dreams I had with D and I still get misty-eyed even after all these years. But when I think about walking down the aisle for this wedding and I just don’t get emotional. I thought maybe as the planning went on I’d feel differently. But if anything, it’s getting worse. It’s like I feel like I’m cheating on D – leaving him behind if I get married. Then I’ll see how some of you are so excited about marrying your men and I wish I had that in my heart, but I don’t. I care about E, I do. People have joked the last few years that I’m not the marrying kind. Maybe they are on to something.
Is it just nerves? Cold feet? Stupidity? Valid doubts? Do I need to drink more wine and go to bed?
Thanks for letting me share. 🙂
Post # 3
I dont know.. I personally feel we should always follow our gut.. and I think yours is telling you something. Hes just not to one or you wouldnt think about the ex like you do..
Post # 4
It’s okay to mourn your relationship with your ex but if you don’t feel excited to marry your fiancé, even at all, then something is not right. It sounds like you have some reflection to do. Maybe you should postpone things while you sort it out. It is better to break it off before the big day than get divorced.
Post # 5
I went through a fairly similar situation. I’ve been with my fiance a long time & felt like everything was great. Then I went on this trip with a few friends (without him) and started questioning the relationship. I thought about past relationships, possible things in the future & questioned weather I just wanted to get married because I kept seeing my friends get married or because I really wanted to be with him – at the time, we weren’t engaged.
When I came back from the trip. I was sure we were going to break up. He fought to go to counseling & I figured we had put so much into the relationship over the years, that we both deserved to at least try. After months of counseling, a lot changed for me. We were able to understand eachother so much better. We thought we had good communication but realized we were wrong. And after learning so much more about where he came from and why he made the choices he made in his life, and of course seeing him fight so hard to make the relationship work, I fell in love again & we haven’t been happier – OK, except for maybe when we first met of course ;).
One of the things I learned in counseling was that we often think that a new relationship would be better. But that’s because we think about the good parts of a past relationship or the romance of a new one. And really, a new relationship is just a whole new set of problems we haven’t learned how to figure out yet! I realize the guy you’re thinking of is someone you were with for a long time, but the unfortunate truth, is that he’s the one who left. And if somehow you ended up with him again, that would probably always be in the back of your mind. And the guy you’re with now obviously loves you and wants to spend his life with you. That doesn’t mean you have to stay with him, but maybe it’s worth looking into counseling. A lot of people do premarital counseling and maybe that’s a good way to bring that up.
I also think it’s really normal to have those fears. When we first got engaged – which was about 2 years after the counseling, I was excited, but had the same thoughts as you. I’m not giddy and “blushing” like some of these other girls. But, I’m in my 30’s! I have different life experience and I’ve really never been the type of girl to get that way about much. Sure I felt that way with him in the very first year, but that often goes away. It doesn’t mean you love them less, just means your comfortable.
I’d recommend really doing some soul searching on your own & and also trying to do some romantic things together, things that might spark those exciting feelings & also, know that it’s OK to not feel the mushy wedding stuff. I don’t think everyone does.
And of course if you feel that this really isn’t what you want, don’t feel like you have to get married just because you said you would. It’s much better to end it before you get too far if that’s what you feel is the best thing for you. Good luck!!
Post # 7
One quick thing I forgot to add, is that there were a couple of times I thought about someone else. Not cheating, but meeting someone, getting to know them and thinking, wow, this is great about them, they have something my boyfiend doesn’t have… But both times, those people really dissapointed me and I remembered why I love him so much and that the wonderful things about him are so much greater than the little things those other people might have had. OK, that’s it, I’ll stop talking now 😉
Post # 9
@justmel: I think you need a wake up call, and I mean that in the best sense to wake you out of your dream. I disagree with a previous poster who said something to the effect that if you’re thinking of your ex then E isn’t the one. Not necessarily.
I think you are under a spell of sorts. You never had a chance to really say bye to D because he just left. What remains are your ideas of what could have been with him, instead of facing the reality that he just up and left you. You are haunted by that past relationship with D and your feelings. You never completed grieving over it because he’s not there to offer you a response. Gah! I hate to use the word “closure” because that word is all too often thrown around but I think it does apply to you here. I think you could benefit from some closure.
You wrote: “It’s like I feel like I’m cheating on D – leaving him behind if I get married.” You’re not leaving him behind — HE left YOU behind.
As for the people that joke that you’re not the marrying kind, maybe so, but maybe that’s only because they’re experiencing this side of you that, for the past 10 years, has been shutting out other relationship possibilities due to this unhealed part of your heart. And so what else do they have to react to but that?
I’m not saying you need to stop dreaming or stop moving toward what makes you happiest, but I do think you need to redirect that energy and balance it with what is also healthiest for you. Now, whether that is with E or not is up to you, but I am just hoping to help you find some clarity here and get yourself squared away for whatever that next step will be. Hang in there, be good to yourself, and do some soul-searching about what is really going on here.
Post # 10
I can understand why you call it a “divorce”…..DH was in a relationship like that and it ended after 7 years. She started dating someone immediately after him and before she got married to that guy after dating 4 years, she apparently called DH up to see if there was any chance they could be together again. He was in another relationship (but it wasn’t going anywhere) and he told her if she needed to call him up and ask him, then she needed to consider postponing it. He told her he’d be her friend but he would never be with her again….because he’d changed so much. He never heard from her again and she recently had her first baby with her new DH.
Your ex has probably changed in 10 years just like you so he probably isn’t the same guy as before….especially if you were both in your teens/early twenties.
As for not being the “marrying” type, I think those people meant the “wedding” type. I’ve never known anyone who wasn’t the “marrying” type unless they were self-exclaimed players…which I don’t think you are.
I’d sit down and figure out what your goal is for your personal life….marriage, kids, etc. Can your Fiance give you this? Do you want this with him…meaning would he be a good husband/father? And I’m assuming you love him b/c you are planning your wedding to him.
I’m assuming based on your dating your ex 10 years ago and how long you’ve been with your Fiance, that you are close to 30. It most definitely could be being “wiser” about life in general and seeing other relationships around you. This could be causing you not to be super duper estatic about the wedding. I think we get more fearful as we get older b/c we’ve seen more and know the reality of it all.
Post # 11
I hope you drank some wine and then, went to bed.
I think all these thoughts are cropping up because of nerves. (Unless, of course, you and E are having obvious relationship issues or you’re really doubting the whole marriage.) I went through similar feelings and reminisced about exes but in the end, I would not have changed anything. I’m happily married to the love of my life; and, all those doubts and feelings vanished. Weddings/marriages always has that stigma that it is the “final destination” but it isn’t. It’s only the begining. You can’t always look back and think “what if” because if it meant to be, it would have happened.
And, I agree with PPs about setting some time to think and soul search. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself! I know everyone expects brides to be all gung-ho about wedding planning/marriage but no everyone is the same. And, fortunately, not all of us are bridezillas.
Post # 13
I think you need to think about your relationship with E. In your post you didn’t once say you loved him, you said you cared about him and he adores you. I care about a lot of people but I love my SO and know that. Do you love E? Maybe you should talk to him and postpone your wedding and rethink if marrying him is really what you want. You shouldn’t stay with him because you just care about him and he adores you, you two should be in love and if you aren’t you need to talk to him.
Post # 14
I am wondering if your lack of excitement is due to being so hurt in your ‘divorce’, thus essentially ‘jading’ you toward feeling excited. Even thru all your healing, and your readiness to be in another relationship, etc, I am not sure anyone ever fully gets over the type of rejection/devastation where someone literally just walks away. I would think there would always be this ‘what if’ question clouding anything with future relationships. So, let me ask you this, OP…
throughout your relationship with E were there times you constantly ‘questioned’ him, his motives, etc. Maybe, just maybe it is that fear – the fear that this too will end the same (without warning or cause) – that is causing your lack of excitement.
Although you say you are having a lot of thoughts about D, I have to believe that is because, as another PP stated, there was never closure. And so, how do open this new door completely when one was never fully closed?!
In the end, as others have advised, really *think* about where all this is coming from! If it comes down to lack of closure, or the fact you are scared, then communicating with E is of the utmost importance right now. If it is truly because you are not in love with E, then getting married is a bad idea. And certainly, if it is because you feel you are in love with D, well, please be careful because he truly sounds to me that he does not deserve you. GODD LUCK!
Post # 15
It isn’t healthy to idealize a short relationship after a decade apart. Reality is never what fantasy is – fantasy always feels just right, fantasy doesn’t fart or forget your birthday. Real relationships don’t always feel just right – they take work. Do you want to be caught up in a fantasy or do you want a real relationship?
I have definitely been there. I chose the real relationship, and it takes a lot of work to let go of a fantasy. It was worth all of the effort – my marriage is great, better than anything I had with the ex I obsessed over. Your ex isn’t coming back, why are you giving him so much power?
Post # 16
@justmel: i’m sorry you are feeling this way. it sounds as though you have not had proper closure from your last relationship. you do need to find a way to accept the fact that it is over so that you can emotionally move on.
it’s probably not a good idea to get married until you have found closure. it would not be fair to you or your fi.