(Closed) And here we are…

posted 6 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
1855 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

First off, I’m sorry you are going through this and feeling so down.  It really sounds like you know what the problems are… it’s just a matter of addressing the ones that are fixable:

1. living at your parents is going to understandably give him the heeby jeebies about initiating… if he is worried about them overhearing or even just thinking about them in the house, not sexy.  is this long term?  do you have a time line for moving out?

2. hurting the baby – while he probably intellectually knows that he isn’t really hurting the baby, again, the thinking about having to be gentle or about the baby in general isn’t really sexy.  

3. your self-confidence/image issues – you know that he is put off/upset by your image issues; is it maybe time to start taking charge?  if your weight is a concern for you, use your pregnancy and the post-birth to really overhaul your lifestyle.  eat healthfully, exercise gently, and embrace your body.  i did this when i was pregnant, under doctor’s supervision, and transformed my body and improved my confidence at the same time.  your body is a calorie burning machine while building and feeding another human, so take advantage of it.  fruits/veggies/lean meats and a walk or yoga every day will whittle off pounds with little effort and make you healthier inside and out.

4. find ways to up the intimacy factor without it always being about sex; maybe, especially while you’re pregnant, there are other ways for you two to connect in an intimate without sex being involved.  massages, hugs, cuddling, kissing, etc.  the more you touch in romantic ways during the day, the more natural it will be to take it further.  also, don’t feel bad about initiating.  if he is going along with your seduction, it’s because he wants to. 

i hope the above helps, and i wish you the best of luck going forward.

Post # 5
Member
1855 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

((hugs)) I would definitely suggest yoga or ballet for toning and flexibility; I did a prenatal yoga and then do ballet dvds now and I think they help a lot with tightening problem areas.  The sagging may be an issue, but strategic lingerie/undergarments could be the answer… a lifting bra, a boy short or other bottom that helps keep everything in, or nighties can be your best friends.

With regards to the roommates issue, you just really need to assess whether this scenario is okay with you in the long term.  If you and your Fiance are 100% in love with each other, then you at least have the necessary foundation.  My first marriage ended, among other reasons, because we turned into roommates who DIDN’T occassionally have sex.  Once the connection that makes your relationship different from any other fades, it’s really hard to get back, so you will just have to make sure to work at it long term.  If the thought of being roommates who have sex occassionally isn’t okay, then you need to start working through this pre-wedding.  Communication, and maybe even counseling, is key.  Getting to the heart of why he doesn’t seem as interested may take some time, but approach conversations in a calm/focused manner (if you feel yourself getting too worked up, take a rain check; it seems like maybe he gets flustered in the presence of tears), and you might get somewhere.

Post # 6
Member
671 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I didn’t want to reply on the public thread, so I sent you a private message 🙂

Post # 7
Member
899 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Post # 8
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

So if you point blank ask him why he doesn’t initiate anymore he…..

Doesn’t see the problem and gets avoidant?

 

Post # 10
Member
1572 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

It sounds like several things could be the root cause and I don’t want to assume anything, especially as I’m not an expert and do not know you or your Fiance. Is it possible for you two to go to counseling? If possible, try checking to see if there are any AASECT (American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, & Therapists) certified counselors or therapists in your area. If you or Fiance don’t have insurance, you can also check to see if there are any sliding fee scale counselors in your area (this makes it less likely to be AASECT certified, but just b/c someone is AASECT certified it doesn’t guarantee that they’ll be awesome) or if you are religious, you can check with your local area of worship. If your Fiance does not want to go, it may even be beneficial for you to go as it sounds like this is impacting you.

I know if my partner and I were living with any of our parents (my parents are divorced and re-married), that would impact our sex life greatly. Even though I haven’t lived with my parents in over 11 years, I’m not sure how much I’d really want to hook up in their house. Friends of mine who have been pregnant have said that has also impacted their sex lives. Further, as it sounds like your Fiance is a care taker for your dad, that can ALSO impact it. I know it’s easier to say this (especially since I’m not invovled) but it may not have anything to do with looks. I know in my life, my partner is dealing with depression and that really has impacted his sex life a ton. Also, up until a week ago his (older) brother was living with us for seven months!! We used to get hotel rooms so we could have sex b/c my partner didn’t want to have sex with the brother in teh house. I was getting so fed up.

Sex doesn’t always have to mean intercourse – there are lots of ways of being intimate. See if you two can find other ways of being intimate that will work for both of you. I know for my partner and I, sometimes cuddling and making out is better than penetrative sex. I’ve read several studies (I’m a sex educator – I read studies like this sometimes just for fun) where men can take a fairly long time to reach orgasm b/c they are either afraid of hurting their partner (often if their partner has some sort of sexual function issue – ex. vaginismus, recovering from surgery, etc), issues with their own sexual function (ex. in the past they were premature ejaculators, someone mocked them, etc), or they are afraid of getting their partner pregnant. For the last one, getting you pregnant is CLEARLY not an issue, but if that is something he was afraid of at any point in his sexual history, it can stick in the back of his mind. 

Post # 11
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

Seems like it may be a little crazy right now with your body image, pregnancy, living with others etc, but don’t go overboard by smashing your head on the wall to many times LOL . Some of the others had some great advice and i hope that eventually you guys can get some peace from this situation. I suffer from the same insecurities as a Jolly green giant, and I always connect level of intimacy with my level of self esteem…your not alone!

 

How about just goin a lil dominatrix on him [not like whips and chains crazy], and start getty sassy and demanding things-pull clothes off, be directive and very clear about what you want  and how you want it to change things up. You may be able to tap into something untouched. Maybe he is super needy and wants to be the one sought after. Many men get giddy over a women initiating and knowing what she wants.

Or perhaps you can make living with family scandelous and spicy- like try getting away with things in places that you would never dare 😉 I live with my husband and my mother-in law, so I know it can be a little wierd but It can be used to your advantadge.

Maybe some role playing or meeting out places in public, to change perspectives to get out of the rut?

Post # 15
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

@imataloss: nahh your not spurning! No worries! I think now I have a better understanding that its not something like boredom but very much a problem with him! I just read about how he has been out of work, and I think its really easy for us to be let down and get down. Its even more frusterating that he is not pro counseling- I can see why you are totally hurt and upset.

I would hate to say leave it alone, because then you may be headed in a direction you really don’t want to get to.   A marriage is worth fighting for and sex is certianly a part of it. He needs to be motivated by your despair to get himself the help that he needs! If he is not motivated by it, then thats a whole nother subject.

I’m so sorry, I am thinking about you and praying for you! (((Hugs)))))

Post # 16
Member
1572 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@imataloss:I agree that one counseling session may not be enough. But, if he goes to one, do you think that he may agree to go again? I was married before and I know that my ex really hated counseling – the idea of it, everything. He refused to go to counseling (and mocked it – knowing I was going for myself) until he had divorce papers from me. He only went to a few sessions and refused to admit it, but I do personally believe that it was beneficial for him. And for me, it made that time period easier. Also, for me counseling has been so helpful and beneficial. I still go and needed to go once a week when my marriage was ending. So, you may even think about going just for you. When I was having problems with my last marriage, I learned so much about how to communicate better and was able to take my newly learned skills into my relationship. The best thing I’ve ever learned had more to do with relaxation skills (recognizing when my body is tensing up, how to relax, etc). I also had major problems wth my family and worrying too much about what they thought (related: I loved learning that my counselor used to have the same problem!!). Counseling isn’t an overnight fix and I occasionally still get fed up with that. Anyway, the point I’m trying to make is that even if you can’t get your Fiance to even come to ONE session, it can be beneficial for both of you – but you also have to find the right fit (of counselor/therapist). To get my counselor, I had to meet with two others – one I knew sucked for me ten minutes in (and by teh end I knew the name of her two cats and learned more about her than she learned about me). I do think, in general, that counseling is a touchier subject for males than females – and studies will back up that. Significantly more of my female friends than males have seen a counselor.

You said this has been going on since he’s been out of work, and being out of work can really impact people a ton. It can impact sexuality, self image, etc. My partner’s brother is out of work and seeing his decline from when he first moved in (and was just out of work) to now has really been intense. All he wants to do is sit around and play video games. When he moved out, he hadn’t left the house in over a week (probably closer to two or three, but I wasn’t keeping track). I know when my partner is stressed, he doesn’t even want to make out. He is just not into it. However, he does love to cuddle. He can be sick, stressed, depressed, etc and STILL want to cuddle. That’s just him. I do know when his depression was kicking in and he didn’t want to have sex as much it really impacted how I viewed myself, and I made myself talk about it with him. I put it off, but it led to some really good discussion. We talked about ways he can still help me understand that he is attracted to me even when he doesn’t want to have sex – as well as what we can do when my body isn’t working well (I have some health issues) and he is in the mood. If depression is a factor, is he seeing anyone (even a primary care dr) for this? Does he do anything to help with this? Also, do you feel comfortable talking with him about how you are feeling? Ideally, what would you like him to do?

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