(Closed) And I never thought I’d be in the BM drama…..

posted 8 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
860 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Some people don’t understand the type of commitment that being a bridesmaid might entail, and some people just like to do things their way all the time.  I’m sorry that you are going through this.  Honestly, I think she should have sucked it up about the dresses and not made snotty comments. 

But also, I’m a bit confused about your problems with the bachelorette party.  I think it is a HUGE commitment and a lot to ask of someone to take time off of work and go to Vegas, South Beach, or wherever.  I would be so grateful if someone was willing to do that for me… and I would assume it would have to be compatible with their schedule- I don’t think that isunreasonable.  I guess I don’t understand completely why you blew up on her?  Other than the dress what has she been being selfish about, or what ideas/agenda is she pressing?  Maybe more specifics would give us a better idea so that someone can give u good advice.

Post # 4
Member
573 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Wow, that’s tough. It sounds like you are doing all you can to be grounded, maybe she has some underlying issues coming out. I was worried about one of my BMs before the wedding (she waffled between supportive, needy, and demanding), and I worried about what she might do during the wedding. well it was fine and she was great. She teared up going down the aisle, was by me to help fix my bustle at the reception, and didn’t cause any scenes on the dance floor.

The issues with the trip may be more based on financial issues than you know (the scheudle thing might have been a way of making it seem less about the money). It might also be leading to her not getting in touch with you (she doesn’t know what to do about, or she’s trying to find a way to make it work).

The wedding date change thing is ridiculous, but if that was her one crazy thing (assuming the trip difficulties are coming from financial trouble, which can be especially hard if she spends in other areas, but some people live check to check and it’s hard to change that), then hopefully things will be fine. If she gives you trouble about other things like refusing to wear her hair in the style you want (although if you’re requiring her to pay for the stylist, it may be the money issue again), then I’d suggest saying you’re feeling stressed and suggesting maybe she is too, so you’d liek her to relax and be your guest rather than your Bridesmaid or Best Man.

 

Post # 5
Member
3125 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

@Angela – I see what you mean about the bach weekend being a big commitment for some (especially destination) but the Bridesmaid or Best Man changed around the MOH’s plans to do Vegas to fit HER schedule and budget. Then after it was catered to her (not the bride, or the organizer) she bitched about it. I can definitely see how that would push people’s buttons. If it was a time/$ thing, she can decline. Not everybody went to my bach and I was fine with that! It’s better to be honest than to constantly pick at someone.

@sweet – you have been very communicative with her, trying to work things out and explain why things are bothering you. That’s commendable – facing passive aggression head on. That’s probably why she’s not getting back to you. I can see that one in that position if they formerly seemed like a reasonable caring person might feel a bit guilty and embarrassed being called out for being a huge problem. It’s just a bad feeling. I’d keep at it and try to talk to her. If she continually dodges your question and conversation, or says something horrible during the conversation, I’d give her the out for being a Bridesmaid or Best Man.  But hopefully she would take some time and reflect on her behavior, b/c that’s the stuff that really breaks up friendships. It’s a 2 way street! You can’t just stone wall and then act like a brat and expect the other friend to blindly take you back and accept your poor behavior.

Post # 7
Member
860 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Oh I see . . . I didn’t read that as the Bridesmaid or Best Man bitching about it after they changed to South Beach… I thought she was complaining about it before it was switched.  But yeah, if she insisted on having it changed and then bitched about it, that’s really unfair.

If she is bitching about the wedding date that is one thing, but if she was just sort of asking about it, that’s another, IMO.  I know that if I were asked to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man in a wedding and the bride scheduled her wedding for the same day as another one of my friend’s weddings I would be bummed.  I wouldn’t insist that she change the date, but I might bring it up in a nonchalant way to see if she was open to changing the date (before a venue and vendors were booked of course).

 

Post # 8
Member
860 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I didn’t see your second post sweetj.

I think you are right to confront this head-on.  Reading between the lines, it seems like this might be a money issue for Bridesmaid or Best Man #2 (switching the location of the party, choosing a more ghetto hotel, not wanting to go to the show, vetoing some activities).  People don’t like to admit when they are broke or having issues, and her pride might get in the way.

Try not to get too upset about it.  I’m sure it will calm down after the wedding, if not sooner.  Friends get into fights all the time.  Just be honest with her, I think you have done everything you can with being honest and trying to reach out to her.

Post # 11
Member
235 posts
Helper bee

First thing – take a deep breathe! While I know this all seems like a HUGE deal you can’t let it ruin your planning or better yet your wedding. I was having problems with one of my Bridesmaid or Best Man (my sister actually) and I finally had to throw the towel in and just let it go. I talk to her when I have to and I don’t contact her often. As soon as I started doing that she changed her tune, started being courteous again and emailing me asking about wedding stuff, what can she do to help, etc.. If this is a friendship that you know will last beyond your wedding date I think you all should just take a step back and let it all go for now. Things can get crazy during a wedding and people get stressed out, sometimes we aren’t all use to so much interaction with each other. I would send her an email telling her how you feel and how your feelings were hurt and leave it at that. If this is a person you think you won’t see after your wedding day you might want to consider asking her to be a guest instead of a Bridesmaid or Best Man like VeronicaH said. Good luck and try to relax, I know it’s hard but you will feel so much better in a couple weeks if you do!  Let the dust settle and take it one day at a time.

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