Post # 1
Let me start by saying my Mom and I have a hot and cold type of relationship. She (and the rest of my family) absolutely adore my Fiance. FI and they all get along wonderfully. (The hated my ExH and rightfully so, but I was 20 when I got married, and really dumb.. it only lasted a year barely). Her and I though, don’t always get along. She has some control issues and that really causes a lot of stress between us. My first wedding I had NO say in anything.. she planned it all. And now recently for example, she told me she would buy my wedding gown, but she gets to pick it. While we both feel in love with the same dress, there was another one I absolutely loved but she did not so as far as she was concerned it was out of the question. Fiance and I do not expect nor have we asked for anything from anyone. We are planning to pay for everything on our own. My Mom offered up the dress thing on her own and was sort of pushy with the idea. Now with that being all said, my Mom told Fiance and I, if we wanted to have an engagement party, we could use her house (its big and beautiful). That was 2 weeks ago. We have a time crunch as Fiance starts the academy soon and we have some close relatives that are snow birds. We picked a date and brought it up to her today. She turned to me and said she wasn’t “going through this again” and “shes already went through this once for me” and “she didn’t want it to look like she was hosting it”. Now, number one, she brought it up to us, number two, yes it is the 2nd time I am getting married by FI’s first and number three.. excuse me but WTF, what is she embarassed or something?? I was so taken back and hurt. Fiance have no decided to thankfully decline anything she suggests or offers from this point on, but that still doesn’t change how much she upset me with what she said. There was no fighting when she said it.. it flew off her tongue like nothing. My grandma was there and was just as taken back as I. I am very aware this isn’t my first time around, but it is his and he wants to have a nice wedding.. and I will not take from him. Am I wrong? I feel like it is sort of tricky since this is my 2nd time and his first, but I dont want him to feel like he had a reduced wedding because of that, especially when he has all these things he envisions.
Post # 4
@DDG84: I would tell your mom she was very hurtful. Remind her that she is the one who offered, and she should be happy for you. If she doesn’t want to host it, fine, do it yourselves, but lay on the guilt! Guilt is great. Not to get what you want, but she should feel bad. Also, buy your own wedding dress and choose the one you want, your mom does not deserve a say. I will be paying for my own dress and no one will give me their two cents! haha
Post # 5
You are an adult. For some perverse reason your Mom likes to jerk your chain. Time to set some boundaries for your mom.
The next time she offers to pay for something just thank her for her offer and politely decline.
I would not recommend playing guilt games as the pp suggested . You want to maintain a relationship with your mother and adopting childish behavior won’t help.
Post # 6
Thanks girls. I am just so frusturated. Like I said before, it is awkward enough that I have to deal with the rules of being married for a second time but its FI’s first so I don’t want to skimp him out of getting what he’s dreamed of, kwim? I think from this point out I will not really ignore but pay no mind to anything she offers, suggests, etc wedding related. I don’t really think the guilt thing would work, as she is the type of person who thinks what she thinks and thats that.
Post # 7
First of all, I wanted to say it’s really kind of you to be sensitive of the fact that it’s your fiance’s first marriage. As much as we want our mothers to be our biggest supporters and cheerleaders, sometimes I feel like the close relationship we share means that they can overstep. If you feel like the two of you have some awkwardness, maybe you can talk to your mom about how it hurts your fiance, instead of how it hurts you – especially since you mentioned that she likes him a lot. If you say hey I totally get that this is my second wedding and maybe you have certain feelings about that, but this is fiance’s first marriage, and for his sake I think both of us should be sensitive of saying certain things and acting a certain way. As long as you don’t think that will backfire.
Post # 8
I agree with you as that seems like a rational reason, to bring it up to her that it hurts him.. But while it is such, rational, she won’t hear it. She is a stern sicilian, what she says goes so it would be like talking to a wall. I think the best way to alleviate further aggrevation and head butting is to thank you but no thank you her.