Post # 16
l think, OP, that now you feel more hopeful, and given he has said he has been thinking about it, you could do more than wait. In fact l think you could take him ring shopping. No need to have a portentous conversation about it, just breezily announce you have seen a couple of rings so come and look at them. I would not, in your position, go the long drawn out custom ring route.
Then, just as lightly, start talking venue booking etc.
He will probably show the whites of his eyes ( my h does when l start plans for stuff) but sail on through. Of course if he is really reluctant, that’s different, but l actually feel quite optimistic for you. IF you take control, that is.
ps lots of people on this site appear to have perfect, proactive, romantic, always- thoughtful men. Good for them. Some of us are flawed, with flawed partners .
Post # 17
You know, elderbee, I think he would be up for it! We have actually had a ring discussion before, even. He has told me he would want us to have matching rings (and then my engagement ring on top of that. He used to work in the business of precious stones so he knows people who could design rings. It certainly wouldn’t hurt to take a little stroll around some rings to show him what’s out there and what I like!
Post # 18
Well, it doesn’t sound like it’s going to happen for me. Not with him, anyway. I mentioned again, in more clear terms, that I would like to be at least engaged by next September. He started in on the whole, “This feels like pressure. I want to do it when I feel it’s right, not when you tell me to.” He brought up some times where he feels like I don’t trust him, including by my giving him an “ultimatum.” Honestly, though, I took the advice of you ladies on here and am glad I did; I didn’t want to just passively wait and then be upset when he didn’t read my mind a year from now.
I told him that I have a life, too, and he got upset at that, saying that I make it sound like he’s holding me back, and if that’s the case then we will go our separate ways. I asked him if he felt good saying that, and he said no, but that that’s how it felt. He told me he feels I’m perfect in so many ways. I asked him, then, if I’m so perfect, why does it feel like pressure? He said it wouldn’t feel like pressure if it felt right. He then said if we fight about it like this that it’s not gonna happen. He seems very comfortable saying many times and in many different ways that it’s not gonna happen. That said, I guess it’s not going to happen. I’m now afraid to just up and leave but, yet, if I don’t up and leave, I may end up sitting here upset for another 11 months. Ugh.
Post # 19
grnjuicejones : Don’t waste your life waiting for another 11 months. I hope you move on.
Post # 20
he said again this morning that he DOES want to get married, to ME, but that I need to let him do it on his own time, that I need to trust him and if I don’t trust him, then I don’t trust him. I want to believe this but it sounds exactly like excuses out of a “How To String Your Girlfriend Along” manual. Are things like this EVER true, and not excuses? And can he blame me for being skeptical AF in believing something like this? Bees, have any of you ever heard these reasons/excuses and gotten proposed to by him and gone on to have a happy marriage? I realize the selection bias here, as this is a “waiting” forum.
Post # 21
grnjuicejones : I’m sorry bee 🙁 I never got that from my D.H. when we spoke about our future together. I don’t think it’s pressure to discuss what you *both* supposedly want.
Post # 22
missinthecity : I agree, and told him that. He told me that my lack of trust is something, the main thing, that holds him back. I don’t know; to me it sounds like fishing for excuses, yet again. This is starting to really hurt me. I’ve been proposed to 3 times in the past. For one I was too young (in my opinion) and I didn’t feel ready. For another, I just knew I didn’t want my life to be the way he had it set up for us (kind of a deadbeat who didn’t seem to mind not having a job and playing video games while I worked full time) and the third man, I loved him dearly but he became horribly abusive. Don’t I deserve to be with a wonderful man who WANTS to marry me? Where in the hell are these guys? I thought I had one. I still want to believe he means it but it’s pretty hard to. Putting the onus on me for “not trusting him” seems a little unfair.
Post # 23
grnjuicejones : Hey bee, it sounds like he’s not willing to abide by a timeline let alone even commit to the idea of offering marriage. One thing I learned with my ex is, he believed marriage was “just a piece of paper.” He didn’t define marriage the way I saw it: As a committed partnership.
It doesn’t sound as though you both are on the same page of what you expect from marriage, if marriage at all. It doesn’t take a man a entire day to recognize sunshine. You’re already two years in. If he’s feeling “pressure,” then he’s not interested in marriage. Because an eternal commitment such as marriage would delight him to be discussed with the woman he loves. Not PRESSURE him.
Post # 24
Problem is he talks all the time about us being together in the future, buying a house, etc. I have told him point blank that I will only do that with a husband and he says he is fully aware of that. I do kind of get wanting to do it because he WANTS to but FFS how long am I supposed to wait for this? And when I told him I’m in this too and it’s my life too, he said that hurts because I make it sound like he’s holding me back from living life. He said it makes it sound like I am treating our time now as meaningless. Um, no. Come on, man. You’re 42 years old. And he says I’m pretty much perfect and what he wants in a woman. And he is what I want as long as that includes marrying me, because marriage is important to me, and goddamn it, I’m allowed to have that be important to me. This is tough.
Post # 25
grnjuicejones : ughh this pisses me off so much.
So you mentioning that you’d like to be engaged roughly a year from now is somehow been spun into you’re telling him when to propose? No no no no no. I don’t fucking think so.
You discussed wanting to be engaged about a year from now and he’s trying to accuse you of dictating your future? He has an entire freaking YEAR to decide “when it feels right” whatever the fuck that even means! You bringing up the discussion of your mutual future and trying to narrow down a more firm timeline with him is NOT dictating anything and it pisses me off that he’s trying to somehow spin this on you. All he had to do was counter with an alternative if he wasn’t happy with your timeline suggestion or propose sooner if he wanted to keep it a surprise.
I think the fact that he’s using your rocky first year as a reason not to propose ALA the whole trust thing is an excuse because if it’s a reason for him not to propose and marry you, then it’s a reason to not be with you at all. And yet here he still is! It can’t be big enough of an issue for him to break up with you over it. Yet somehow it’s a good enough excuse not to propose. Yeah okay.
Im so mad for you. I’d be so angry that I’d be done. I thought you were being generous even giving him another year!
Post # 26
And he IS holding you back- he’s standing in the way of you finding your husband! He SHOULD feel bad!
I would have told him that too. “You can’t handle having a discussion about our future after 2 years together at this point in our lives? Fine. Then GTFO of my way while I find the man who CAN!”