(Closed) And so it begins…feeling isolated. Just need to get this out there.

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

I think you should just slow your mind down for a minute and take a step back.

You are new to the city, marriage and this lifestyle. You are already making a mountain out of it, dooming yourself when its merely a mole hill.

You will adjust and you will get through this! Make online friends ( community/forums related to this issue) as a start, and gain confidence about the ins and outs of med school wife/partnering. And don’t be off put by rules or struggles with being the one to “start” a group within the school. Think about it: all the schools you envy, were once where you were today!

Remember all the reasons you married this man, how much you love him and what it means to support him! You guys are in it for the long haul…you can do this!!

Post # 4
Member
383 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I know it can be frustrating.  Years ago I met my BFF by responding to her “looking for a friend” craigslist ad.  She had moved to the area with her partner and was tired of being the tag along at all of those grad school events.  My parter at the time was in law school and I was feeling lonely. I could relate to someone that was new and looking for her own friends.  It’s going to be rough for a while, but I’m sure that eventually you will be able to find that nice balance between being your own person and being the wife of a med student. 

Post # 5
Member
591 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012 - St. Philip Catholic Church/Arcadia Brewing Co.

((Huggs)) I think everything you are feeling is totally fair and not at all out of line. 

 

Moving for a spouse is hard! My husband is not in med school, but my best friend is, and I know how that has sucked up her time the past few years. 

I think the biggest comfort for you would be that med school is not forever. There will come a time when he his done with school. On top of that, finding your own way will help. 

Also you should not feel embarassed about getting dressed up for an outing with your husband. I have been there and I know it can be awkward, when you are the only one not from work (or school in your case), but just own it. You are his wife, if the other students aren’t married, they wouldn’t (and don’t need to) get that. You were showing support for your spouse and that in and of itself is important. Not everyone wants to be a doctor. You can still be a wonderful, interesting, intellegent person without being in med school. 

I hope things start looking up for you! The hive is always here!

Post # 6
Member
205 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I would find that incredibly daunting also. when I was 20 I moved 17 hours away from everyone and everything I knew to live with a man who worked out in the oil fields for 3 weeks a month. It wasn’t fun. I’m not sure what your situation is, you didn’t mention anything about getting a job for YOURSELF. There’s a sure fire way to stay busy and meet friends.

Post # 7
Member
587 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I went through something very similar when we moved to.. ASIA.. for his job. I gave up my master’s program, my job, my family.. everything. After an 18 hour plane ride, he showered and went to work. THAT DAY. I was stunned and hurt that he didn’t even want to spend the first day with me exploring our new city.. country.. contininent. I felt really isolated and lonely and resentful about the whole thing. It seriously took me months to find anything for myself, to get a job, to make any friends at all. I was really resistent to being productive because I just felt so alone all the time. People kept telling me to do this and that for myself but I was bitter and didn’t really FEEL like trying so hard to do the tiniest things. The 12 hour time different from everyone I knew certainly didn’t help. So I totally feel you. Let me just tell you about the experience I wasn’t paying attention to… his. He felt incredible pressure and stress because he had dragged me so far from everything. I’m sure your husband is feeling the same things, even if he doesn’t verbalize. My advice to you is to take it one day at a time. You WILL settle in but it’s going to take time. Most people say that it takes a year for a place to really feel like home and I totally agree. Dont rush the process, don’t worry yourself by being impatient. And frankly, enjoy the alone time. I wish I had enjoyed it more myself! I dont know what your plans for work are but for the time being, join a gym and take group classes! Chances are the women in the area taking 11AM gym classes are in the same boat 🙂

Post # 8
Member
206 posts
Helper bee

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I know how you feel.

If you’re ever in that situation again, don’t feel bad about being there, since the SOs were welcome to come. If there’s a host, go over and greet them and thank them for hosting, maybe ask if they can introduce you to any of the other married/engaged folks (even if the +1 isn’t there). You’ll probably find someone who you can relate to and maybe convince them to bring their SO with them next time. Just think, all the other SOs were probably put off by the same stuff you were, but there must be *someone* who’s in a serious relationship. 🙂

 

Post # 9
Member
77 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2012
Post # 11
Member
1319 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

I get it. When we got married, I moved to be with Darling Husband at his job, and I know nobody up here. What’s worse, it’s a small town, and everyone here either goes to college here or grew up here. The people that work with Darling Husband are much older and live outside of town anyway. I have no job, so I volunteer to get out of the house, but that doesn’t shower friends upon me like I thought it would. I try to go out once a week, and sit at Starbucks with a coffee and a book, and smile. It’s kinda ridiculous. I’ve been here for 7 months now. I’m worried about ever making friends, but I keep telling myself friends will come when the right friend comes along. For now, just try doing something to keep busy. That really does help a lot.

Post # 13
Member
7771 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I have been there many times.  You will feel so much better when you have your own thing going on.  It can be hard to find and take time, but finding a job, community college classes in something you are interested in- something to give you the feeling you have your own life, so to say, while he has to have his own- will really help!

Don’t let yourself feel too bad.  It is always an adjustment- moving.  Some places I live I made friends relatively quickly, other places took time.  Just be kind to yourself!

No matter what, you will grow and become stronger through this experience.  No matter what you face, it WILL pass.

Post # 14
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I know it must be hard to move where you don’t know anyone and your husband is going to be super busy. From our experience, I would advise you to try to make your own group of friends outside of your DH’s school. Med students tend to talk about medicine a lot, which can leave others feeling out of the loop. Maybe make some friends at work, the gym etc. so you can escape from all the doctor talk. Your Darling Husband has just started school and he will be very buy studying, so you will need to occupy your time with work, hobbies and fun you time, while he is busy. Then you can spend time off together, with your friends or with his friends from school. It’s still early and I know those social things seem important now, but in a few months everyone will have found their “groups” of friends, and I’m sure your relationships will fall into place. My fiancé and I share a group of friends from my school and another from his work. That is great for us because when I’m busy, he has his own friends that are available to hang out while our other group is working, and vice versa. Just be patient and trust that you will find those close knit friends once the dust has settled.

 

ETA: wanted to add all our friends are single. There are no rules that you should only befriend other marrieds. You may be missing out on some true friends.

Post # 15
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@MrsDrRose612:  While I haven’t been through your *exact* situation, I have been there somewhat and will be Iin the future. My husband has an amazing job that requires a ton of time and traveling and us to up and move whenever the company says. The first move was to the middle of nowhere in eastern Maryland. His company did plenty of “welcome” events but they were not receptive to spouses or families being included. So, even though they uprooted both of our lives, it was mine that didn’t seem to matter. I felt like I gave up a possible dream job in NYC, my friends and family for something that only benefited him. So, I understand what you’re going through. It’s very difficult to put on a happy face when you moved for something that’s 100% about something else and you’re not included in it anywhere.

My best advice would be to venture out and make friends on your own accord. Find your own place, your own job, your own “corner” in this new town, and things will feel alot better. It took me two moves and four years, but I was finally able to do that. Meetup.com is a great place to start as is volunteer groups or young professional groups in town. While they won’t have the ability to identify exactly with your situation, meeting new people in these venues can provide you with a sense of purpose and meaning.

Also, the program has just begun! Maybe your husband will find out through his classes that some of his classmates have girlfriends/spouses/partners in the area, and you can connect. Everyone may be single but eventually people pair up or don’t mention their relationship status right away.

My best advice would be to breathe, take it one day at a time, and focus on the positive. Some days will still be shitty and hard to handle, but it get’s easier, I promise!

Post # 16
Member
693 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I’m there with you! Darling Husband and I, along with my daughter and dog, moved to Mississippi a year ago. He took a new job and has met a ton of people..I’m just hanging around the house. My daughter is in school (starting back tomorrow) so during the days I just piddle around the house…I applied for a few jobs but never even got a call. I thought about even taking some online classes…starting an Etsy shop…I DIY’d almost the entire wedding…the house is SPOTLESS and dinner is a big deal every night and on the table at exactly the time Darling Husband walks in the door. Geez.

Whenever we go back to visit family in KY, everyone asks if I’ve made friends. Um, no. First, the few people (parents of other students my daughter knows) here that I have come in contact with I can do without. I’ve already had to deal with one family’s drama/messy child services thing and once was enough. This is a small town and everyone knows everyone. Also, we came in with Toyota when the plant opened up so we get the “Ohhhh, you’re with Toyota.” Like we took jobs away from the people here.

I told Darling Husband I might try the job search again. I’m fortunate that I don’t HAVE to have a job, but extra cash would be nice..and it would get me out of the house.

I’ve read every book…facebooked until I can’t stand it…taken a million pictures..I think the dog is even tired of me.

And to top it off, three of my closest friends in KY aren’t speaking to me and we have gone our separate ways. Woe is me, dang!

I hope you find something to occupy your time and mind!! It is lonely, but it has to get better!!!

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