(Closed) And so it begins…feeling isolated. Just need to get this out there.

posted 8 years ago in Married Life
Post # 32
Member
215 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@MrsDrRose612:  Can I ask where you are in NC? I actually have a friend who lives in Durham..

Edit: Oops, just saw your post saying you were actually in VA! Can’t help with that, but I do understand what you’re going through. I graduated last year but I haven’t been able to find a job in my field because the place we live sucks and there are no jobs in it (Corpus Christi), so we’re heading to Florida in a couple of weeks so that I can *hopefully* find a new job, or school, or something! He’s an emergency room RN, so he can find a job anywhere, and he makes enough that I don’t technically have to work, but I get stir-crazy sitting around all day. I’d say the best thing is to just get out there! Go to the gym, find a book club, take a class (maybe one of those painting classes that are BYOB, it’ll loosen you up a bit!).  

Post # 33
Member
427 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I understand how you’re feeling.  We moved to SC because my Fiance was offered a job that we couldn’t turn down.  It’s been a year and I still don’t have any friends or a job, I’ve never been without a job, so it’s been a pretty big shock to my system, but i get by.  The area is beautiful and I’ve grown to love it.  At first I was a mess, missed being around people I know and lonely because my FI’s job has him traveling quite a bit, but as time goes by you adjust.  I know it’s scary and you’re unsure if you can make it, but just know you will.  Like everyone else said you have to get into your own rhythm and get to know where you are.

Post # 34
Member
2353 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
@Helium:  This.

And I wonder how many of the other new students went home to someone and said “This other guy’s wife showed up. Why wouldn’t you go?”

There are people there you can be friends with – but they’re hidden just like you feel you are. And there’s also no reason you can’t make friends with the other med students, too. Cook a big pot of chili and ask have your husband invite some of them over. One of my great buddies in grad school was a fellow student’s wife. She was awesome. We met because she and her husband invited his friends over, and we became her friends.

Also: where in VA? If you’re in a place that I know people, I might be able to help you find a group to hang out with, places to go, etc.

Post # 36
Member
1183 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I moved away at age 25 with my first husband so he could go to school.  It was a very time consuming graduate program in a field that had nothing to do with me or my interests. The people he met there did not become my friends during the three years he was studying.  Neither did their spouses. I got a job in my field and made my own social group.  Moving away with him was a good experience for me but I had a really hard time adapting to it for the first year.  I believe that I experienced a “quarter life crisis” at that time too.  It seems to me that you situation is a developmental milestone and totally normal. It has little to do with his choice of med school.  Even if they had a spouse club, it probably wouldn’t change much.

Post # 37
Member
587 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

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@Mrs.LemonDrop:  Wow, kudos to you guys making it in Afghanistan! That’s amazing.

Post # 38
Member
519 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I also feel like everyone just views me as his little uneducated wife. I feel like since I am not going to medical school, I’m not good enough in the eyes of his peers. I’m not sure if we will get involved with the couples counseling program or not. But I have learned that being a medical student’s wife is going to be a lot more difficult than I thought. We’ve had arguments about this as well. I just hope things improve for you and I both. 

Post # 39
Member
1430 posts
Bumble bee

I think the most important thing to do right now is take a deep breathe. You just made a big move which can be emotional in itself.  I remember reading your post a few weeks ago about experiences of moving as a newlywed. I thought I replied but looking back I didn’t. Though I’ve never been in your exact same situation I was in a similar one where I was in a long term relationship with some one out of state that I met while I was in school. that continued after college was over and all my friends left to go back home and I stayed. Well I felt very much like you did. Isolated, lonely, and basically started to resent him because he had all his friends and family there and I had nothing. Honestly, it ruined our relationship. We ended things and I moved home (best decision , i now have an amazing husband) but why I’m telling you this is because when I read your post a few weeks ago this came to my mind. It always does anytime someone tells me they are moving because I think about how sad I was. Looking back there are things I could have done differently. Made more effort making friends at work, taking up hobbies, finding a church, made more effort to become friends with his friends ect.  Basicaly I let too much time pass without trying that I got myself into a big hole of self pity and it made it harder and harder to meet new people the more time that passed. I worry because you are already feeling bitter toward your husband and its only been a week.  I’m sorry they don’t have better support systems there. And its gonna be tough because he is going to make friends, lots of them fast because all the other medical students are in the same boat as him. But the reality is your just going to have to try harder. Don’t be embarrassed to do things that your invited too even if you are the only +1. Because eventually these people are going to get bf/gf’s that you can befriend. Also there will probably be a lot of female med students that don’t know anyone either and can be a good girlfriend for you. Enjoy your new city! And remember your best friend (and only friend right now )is your husband so keep him close, keep things fun and keep encouraging him. Its going to be a long road ahead of him with a lot of time apart so keep things at home happy and peaceful. Not you being bummed out and sad when he is there. BUT do talk to him about your feelings. Hugs, we are here for you when you get bored:)

Post # 40
Member
1090 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I didn’t read all of these, but I can offer advice from the opposite end of the spectrum, I am heading into my 2nd year of medical school, and this summer I married a wonderful man who is not at all in medical anything!  First let me say that you are very brave and dedicated to move your entire life to where DH is going to medical school, that is definitely not easy.  And since medical school is just starting–take a deep breath–I have to warn you that it will probably get worse before it gets better.  Medical school last year for me was sometimes a very negative aspect of my life.  It is so tough, I had to study almost every hour of every day in between tests, and usually our exams were on Saturdays, which meant that I only got that night and Sunday off.  Even with the day and a half off, Sunday night was usually spent previewing Monday’s material.

 How did my fiancee (at the time) and me survive?  Since I was so incredibly busy, he decided that rather than sitting around and twiddling his thumbs all the time, he would get just as busy.  He just started a new job teaching at a high school, so he started volunteering to help coach, supervise at school activities, etc., and before he knew it, he had a large group of friends through his work that he liked to spend time with.  I am not sure if you will have a job or not, but if you do, or you meet people, just honestly say, “Hey, I am a medical student’s wife, and I am in great need of someone to hang out with while he is busy with school.”  I know firsthand that as females, we tend to have a harder time reaching out to people and going out of our comfort zone.  Take walks, explore your new city, go get coffee at a shop, go shopping, you never know who you will run into!  Just stay busy, and before you know it, the first year of medical school will be over with and you will be wondering how it went by so quickly.  

You are also very lucky to be living with your husband–cherish the few moments you get with him.  Me and my fiancee lived together last year, and as often as we could we tried to eat dinner together, etc. At bedtime, we would always make it a point to spend even 10 minutes talking, making out…whatever haha… just to make that time special.  I have a friend who is in PA school who got married and had to move to the city alone–her husband had to stay home (4 hours away) to keep running the family farm.  They only get to see each other about once a month, if that!  

Hang in there, I am not saying that medical won’t totally suck, but it doesn’t last forever, either.  Give it some time, even though you didn’t meet a lot of spouses, etc. at this first meeting, I bet as school goes on your husband will make friends with some of his guy classmates who have girlfriends, fiancees, etc. Even if they are also in medical school, they probably would love to have a friend who is not in medical school (I know I did).  Why?  Because being around your classmates ALLLLL the time gets really old.  The only thing anyone can ever talk about is school-related crap, and I got sick and tired of being around that.  When I got breaks from school, I didn’t want a friend who would talk about school! Haha…so a lot of my girl friends were not my classmates.  

One more thing–try very hard to be strong for your DH.  This is a very exciting time in his life, especially if he worked so hard to get into medical school.  The new-ness of it will wear off soon, and he will be craving time alone with you, away from school.  I know I was so blessed that my guy wasn’t in medical school–he ended up being a great outlet for me because he was so supportive and never gave up on me (and didn’t want to discuss ways to better memorize the brachial plexus LOL).  

Good luck, and trust me, before you know it, you will be married to a successful doctor who makes plenty of $$$ to take awesome vacations with his wife :).  

Post # 41
Member
2424 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I agree with PP that you need to calm down, this is not as big as you have made it to be. It will get better!

That does suck that your DH is at a school without a family support group, but you also need to take advantage of the activities that do include you, like tonight! It seems like you just panicked, and left. Just because you are the only plus one of the people you met tonight does NOT mean you are unwelcome! I am a grad student, and DH is my “tag-along spouse.” Most students in my program are not married, or even in serious relationships. But I still invite DH to pretty much all our social events, even if outside guests were not “invited.” No one seems to care, they accept that him and I are a package, and they are quite friendly to DH, even faculty. I’m sure sometimes that DH has felt awkward at first, but it’s worth it to meet people and for us to spend time together in social groups too.

So hold your chin up high and stand beside you DH! Don’t hold these people up on a pedestal like they are above you, they may be med students but they are people too, and I am sure they are capable of holding a conversation with a non-med student!

Post # 42
Member
50 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

@MrsDrRose612:  

hi there… =) i get you totally. I am the wife of a 3rd year pediatric resident. We got married in the courthouse, applied for visa and all the paperwork and then flew 10,000 miles away from southeast asia to the US. I was away from family, friends and everything that i knew. I left my job as a research assistant and am currently a stay home wife (because i only have a spousal visa and no SSN). I am not allowed to work in the US and thus makes my situation worse than yours. As for your husband, sadly to tell you that medical school is only the beginning of many many years of hard work, sleepless nights, blood, sweat and tears. There is USMLE step 1, step 2 ck, step 2 cs, step 3, residency application and interviews, board exams, in-training exams, research and publication, fellowship application and interviews… the list goes on… your life will always revolve around him. Period.

I am not trying to be a downer, but this is the life of a medical doctor. I take things one day at a time and always count my blessings. Sometimes, we have lighter rotations and we will take time off for a mini-trip or something. But, usually his vacations are used for research and studying for exams. As a doctor’s wife, you have to get used to the fact that he doesn’t come home on time, misses dates, works during the holidays (like christmas and thanksgiving) and you have to be independent and get used to spending time alone doing the things that you like. Pick up a hobby, like cooking or baking or go to the gym to meet friends. I will not say things will get easier, because it does not. Maybe after fellowship, i can tell you more if life gets easier… i highly doubt so… sorry for being so straight to the point. I have been with my husband since pre-med and medicine has made me a realist.

Post # 43
Member
1806 posts
Buzzing bee

OP, if you don’t mind me asking, where in VA are you living?

Post # 44
Member
1238 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

What you are experiencing is daunting, for sure. But the eloquence with which you communicate tells me that you are a smart girl, with a level head, and a good degree of emotional intelligence. So you will be fine! eventually.

you just need to give yourself time. A few years ago my now-wife and I moved to a new city for her to go to school. even though I lived in vancouve before, it felt like a brand new city. It took me at least 6 weeks to 2 months before I had a grip on what I was doing with myself. But she jumped into her program and her routine after the first week! that just what school does for you.

My brother got hired at Temple University in Philly and moved there with his wife from Toronto. Same thing, he immediately had his groove going, and she was left figuring out what to do. I think she probably felt isolated and left out, a lot like you do. She started volunteering, and going to yoga classes, and now has a few friends. (they’ve been there a year now this month.) she still doesn’t have a job, since they can live on my brother’s income. But she’s finding her path.

If yoga and volunteering isn’t your thing, find what is. You will eventually make friends! and soon enough your hubby will meet some peers, and some of them WILL be married or in commited LTRs, so mention to him that you’d like to connect with people like that, and before Thanksgiving rolls around you’ll have some friends to have over for dinner and such.

stay open, stay positive, and be patient with yourself! (and your hubby)

Post # 45
Member
474 posts
Helper bee

I agree with most of the previous posters. You are just going to have to throw yourself out there. I moved to a town where I didn’t know anyone and had to go out of my way to explore and participate in activities since my fiancee works absurd hours. Is there a young professionals group or a Junior League that you can join? I met a lot of great people in classes at the gym as well. Maybe you would enjoy having a dog – you can make all sorts of puppy friends at a dog park. I’ve been here two years and I still miss my great girl friends from home, college, and grad school; but I know enough people and have enough things going on now that my days are enjoyable and I don’t feel like I’m just sitting around alone.

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