(Closed) And so it goes.

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
1227 posts
Bumble bee

To me, it sounds like you are both in very different stages in life, and potentially moving in different directions with different goals. (Kind of like why people suggest waiting until your late 20’s to get married. You’re at the age where the direction for the rest of your life starts to unfold, and there are differences that simply don’t reveal themselves until your mid-20’s).

You have a good education, and are taking steps to further your career prospects. He sounds like he’s stagnating, and unwilling to step out of his comfort zone. He also doesn’t sound particularly driven (like you sound).

To me, you owe it to yourself to make the most of the work you’ve put into your education, and expand your horizons.  I feel very strongly that people need to branch out and move from their hometown, and from under their parents wings. That’s how you grow and mature, and how you learn to be self-sufficient. I’m not trying to be critical, but I would seriously hesitate to commit to marrying and raising a family at some point to someone who has never demonstrated that he can stand on his own 2 feet.  It seems to me that by the time you’re in your mid-20’s, you should be anxious to be living alone (or with a partner), instead of with your parents.

IF I was in your shoes, I would proceed with my plans as far as job placement and education are concerned, and while I’d try to stay close geographically, that would be a consideration only, not the ultimate deciding factor.  I would let him do what he wants and needs to do as far as jobs and living arrangements.

I think he’s either going to see you steaming ahead with your plans, and it will motivate him to grow up and catch up, or he’s going to be left behind and living with his parents for the forseeable future, while you are out accomplishing things.

Post # 4
750 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@SeaSalt:  +1. Wonderful post & advice. 

Post # 5
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Honestly, I read this somehow not realizing that you were talking about your fiance, thinking he was still your boyfriend.  This is not behavior indicative of someone ready to commit to the rest of his life with you.  It sounds like you are trying to open up the lines of communication more, but it still doesn’t seem like you guys are really acting like an engaged couple.  It’s not like you are asking him to move away from a job that he already has; I understand it is hard to move away but one hour is really not far.

I don’t mean to be harsh and I obviously don’t know what your relationship is really like, but that is just the impression I get from your post.  I hope you can work through this!

Post # 6
942 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Oh bee I feel your pain. But I agree with the above post, this seems more typical of bf behavior, not fiance.

I met my fiance in college and we both graduated and were on the job hunt. He graduated earlier and I was quite upset by what I considered to be his lack of ambition on the job hunt. But I didn’t nag, because I was still in school and had no idea where I would land a job.

We are from different parts of the state, I had zero interest to move to his home town, and he felt the same way about mine. We BOTH wanted to live within a decent commute to our parents, but it wasn’t going to be possible for the both of us.

By pure chance, I ended up getting a job offer close to where he grew up. So it made him really happy, and rather than being bitter about it, I was happy I had such a great job. We lived here for 3 years, but he’s on the job hunt again.

We are also now engaged. He knows how I have desired to eventually get back to a big city near my hometown and a lot has changed in our relationship. He just took a job in my city of choice. We are now living a part, until I can land a job there. But it just goes to show that when you truely do commit and are ready to make scary/mature choices, things do work out. (PS he has changed a lot to..MATURED so much. After college graduation he moved back in with his parents and I was totally freaked out by his desire to be close to home and unwilling to throw himself out in the world and look for a job outside of his hometown…)

Post # 7
1488 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@SeaSalt:  +1! “I would seriously hesitate to commit to marrying and raising a family at some point to someone who has never demonstrated that he can stand on his own 2 feet.”

Put much more politely than I was thinking. I’ve read and responded to your earlier posts. He is not ready for so much right now (e.g. finding a job, leaving his parents, talking with you like an adult about your future, marriage, responsibilty, change, etc.) He’s a boy, not husband material, at least not now anyway. 

I hope you focus on yourself right now and postpone any talk of marriage with him. It’s a big wide world out there with interesting, motivated people and lots of things to do! I have a feeling in the coming months/year you will realize he’s simply not ready.

Post # 8
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m so sorry that you are going through this right now.  I completely empathize, and absolutely agree with the other bees’ advice, particularly that certain changes won’t materialize until your mid-twenties.

Before i met Fiance, I was in a relationship for like 4 years with a guy I met in college, who I thought at the time that I loved and would marry one day.  We liked the same music, activities, and we both liked to have a good time.  However, I slowly got more driven and interested in having a more adult life, and going out less.  The cracks in our relationship became much more visible then.

I moved around for him, and I wound up supporting him because he was not career-minded and I’m pretty motivated. He quit jobs, got fired for poor performance, never used his degree, and still expected me to take care of the house, cook, not to mention pay all the bils.  It took me years of frustration and confusion before I realized that, even though I cared for him and we had similar interests, we did not want the same things out of life, and I was much more mature and ready to commit than he was.  His behavior never once showed me that he really thought all that much of me… more that he still had things to do on his own, and that he was not yet ready to transition into adulthood.

It was painful, but I finally cut the cord and spent a year alone, figuring out what I did want.  Then I met Fiance, who is everything I ever would have wanted… except I just would not have been able to recognize it years ago!  I am really lucky that I had that experience with my ex, because had I not, I wouldn’t appreciate a good guy like Fiance.  Just some food for thought… and I hope things start to look brighter soon, no matter what you decide!

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