(Closed) And the crap keeps piling on.

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 136
969 posts
Busy bee

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karen12:  There’s two problems with this situation (other than your husband’s actions and feelings towards this woman) …

1.)  “… she took it too far, which is why he didn’t reply

Umm, but he did reply and he too took it too far.  Your husband is not the victim of her actions … you are the victim of his.  He responded to her that he loves her.  And there was sexting!  These actions are completely uncalled for and cross a definite boundary of marriage.  And who knows what was said (or seen, even) in the erased messages you can’t access?  This is harmful behavior on your husband’s part.  Can’t you see he is cheating on you?

2.)  “Lesson learned, watch out when you snoop, you may not like what you find

Here you are putting the blame on yourself.  Why?  You are not at fault, he is.  He’s the one who is choosing to talk to this woman.  He is the one who is engaging in inappropriate behavior.  He is the one who professed his love for her.  HE IS IN THE WRONG, NOT YOU.

I hope this is not the end of your discussion with him.  I hope you two have some serious communication in regards to this.  And I hope everything works out in the end.

Post # 137
1162 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

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MissesAwesome:  Yes, you are right.  He’s still in the dog house and will be for some time.  His reply to her was sitting in the send box, he didn’t send it, which is why that particular text was open when I opened up his phone.  Not really open, but it came up because it was a draft, does that make sense?  It had not been sent.

I do believe him, he is painfully honest in all things, always.  The discussion that he and I had was centered on how this hurt me, it may have been an anonymous online flirtation for her to boost her self confidence or whatever, but it ended up hurting me, a real person that he really does love, not some girl he knew from high school 45 years ago who lives on the other side of ggd country.

His explanation was more along the lines of how this came about, he was not trying to excuse the hurt that it caused.  He doesn’t do that.  He said yes, it went way to far, admitted that he was wrong, and said it will not happen again.

Like I said I’m my original post, we aren’t young, I’m 47.  We can communicate pretty well and we are both commited to each other for better or worse.  I never expected something like this but he’s wrong, admitted it, apologized, and we’ll move forward.  That’s what we do.  

Post # 138
13722 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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karen12:  In your place I’d have more questions. It’s far from “anonymous” if they have known one another for 45 years  and they are signing letters “Love you.” Arguably a signature line might carry different weight than saying “I love you” in the message itself. Some people do sign letters that way that way to old or close platonic friends. 

The line “thinking naked thoughts” is, of course, the red flag. The trouble is, you don’t have access to the old texts. Were they sexting in the here and now? Or discussing a shared memory? Maybe he did catch himself after her comment, felt she had taken things  too far, and that’s why he never hit send.  I’d want the details, including those deleted texts if it’s at all possible to retrieve them, passwords etc. IMO he is no longer entitled to your complete trust. I’d also want H to write a letter that ends all communication with her. 

By The Way, the state of her marriage, the distance, and her weight are not any excuse on your H’s part. 

Post # 139
10215 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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ETA I was out of date by the time I posted

  • This reply was modified 5 years ago by  elderberry.
Post # 140
3534 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

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bdjhxo:  all im saying is that if he didnt have autism, I’d be telling her to leave him. But the fact he’s on the spectrum throws more of a curve ball in this and adds more layers. 

Post # 141
3287 posts
Sugar bee

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sumshine.dawn:  I do not know your Fiance, but I can see how something like this could easily happen. My Dad is quite often taken advatage of. He has a good spirt and takes people at their word. He is not able to see the darkness in some people. For example we had a handy man who would always come around asking for money for his “sick mom” but then he would come back and say he lost it all at the track and Dad would give him money because he really believed him. You might need to be a bit of a protective bear. I know my Mom is. When she feels like someone is taking advantage of Dad Mom puts them in their place. I can even recall an eample of a female cowork of my Dads who had a thing from him. Mom had a talk with Dad becaue he was not getting that she was out of line. I think if anyone spent a good chunk of time with someone of the Autism spectrum they would “get it.” He loves you, you love him. He processes things a little diffrently than us. So what? It might be hard to have to state your limits over and over but yourself said he was worth it. Best of luck. I am sure everything will work out well. 

Post # 142
10215 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

It’s a complex problem and I  can see that living  with someone with Asbergers or on the autism sspectrum would be hard. 

But  it would still worry me that he seems perfectly well able to  read the cues and nuances of a standard sexting/flirting  relationship. I seems only when  called out on it , does he appear to be surprised and confused  at the repercussions etc

Post # 143
60 posts
Worker bee

OP: Sorry to say this, but I think your Fiance isnt so innocent here. He actually asked “play date?”, as if to confirm or suggest a “play date”. Whatever that is – be it innocent, or code for sex, HE suggested/confirmed it.

Please understand that I did not point that out to be mean, I have been in your situation before. It really hurts, and my only regret is not ending that relationship the very moment I found shady correspondence. Instead, I felt bad for snooping. I was also hoping for a reasonable explaination. I even did my best to make what was clearly disrespectful and a breach of trust as innocent as possible. I was stupid, and I think I just wanted to avoid breaking up.

Anyways, I am so over all that. I hope you can work through this. But if the situation doesnt get better, dont be scared move on and find your own happiness, as I have.

  • This reply was modified 5 years ago by  entsatsa.

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