(Closed) And the crap keeps piling on.

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 107
Member
969 posts
Busy bee

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sumshine.dawn:  “ … its part of the territory.

So, this is how you want to spend the rest of your life?  Really?

I once dated an addict.  I made excuses for him because I felt sorry for him, “His addiction wasn’t his fault.  He didn’t mean to cheat on me.  It’s just a part of the territory.

I took the abuse and the lies and the cheating and the heartache because I thought I had to.  It’s just how it is when you date an addict, right?  But then one day I realized that being in a relationship with him is a choice and the only reason I’m going through all that crap is because I’m choosing to be with him.  It was an awful realization to come to, especially since the man was wonderful in every other way, but I didn’t deserve it and neither do you.

It’s time you wake-up and really examine the situation.  Is this because of his autism or is it just because he’s an ass?  Either way, do you really want to spend your life this way?  I should certainly hope not!  And there’s definitely no changing people like your fiancé, whether he’s actively choosing to be shady or because it has something to do with his autism – there just isn’t.  And marriage won’t solve these problems or make them easier to handle … it’ll only make them worse.

I think you know what to do, you’re just afraid to.  And that’s okay.  Sometimes the right thing to do is also the hardest.

ETA:  And before anyone thinks I’m not taking into account his autism, please note that I have worked with autistic students for many years and know a thing or two about it.  Just wanted to clarify for those of you who use that as an excuse for his behavior.

Post # 108
Member
85 posts
Worker bee

I think you should have another talk with your Fiance. Tell him that this woman, who is also married (if I read correctly) , is encroaching on your relationship. Tell him strongly that her texts are inappropriate and that it saddens and hurts you when he flirts with other girls. Even if he doesn’t see it as flirting, she most likely does. Maybe if you display that perspective to him, you might make some headway in getting him to stop texting her. Honestly I think you should stop the relationship with her entirely, I wouldn’t be comfortable at all if my SO was talking to his past screw buddy. (I do completely trust my SO, but who I don’t trust is the other person . It’s a two way flirt street and each side could have a different interpretation, which will turn into something bad in the future if it’s not shut down now). Good luck!! I think if your husband loves you and is committed to your relationship (i’m sure he is), he will understand your saying how uncomfortable his relationship with her makes you. Good luck!! 

Post # 109
Member
9519 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

First of all, I wouldn’t buy anything that your Fiance is selling. But I’m obviously not the one in your relationship and it seems like you’re sure about giving him another chance, so fine. That’s your choice to make and I’ll leave that at that. 

But second, I agree with PPs that you seem to have a lot of drama in your life — most of which I wouldn’t even let get to the point of being “drama.” And I think that’s what you have to do for your own health and sanity — figure out what’s worth getting upset about and what to just let roll off your back. FIL’s not liking your hashtag or e-ring? Let it go. This thing with your FI? Rage all you want. Your FBIL’s wedding registry with ridiculous things on it? Sucks, but their business, move on. Don’t waste precious time & energy on stuff that doesn’t matter at the end of the day. It’s not worth it.

Post # 110
Member
3028 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

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MissesAwesome:  This x1000.

Post # 111
Member
316 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

This just sounds all too exhausting. So if there’s a coworker coming on to him for sex and he’s enterta her you’re going have to talk to him about that too? Nothing against anyone with that type of autism but it just sounds really exhausting having to tell him over and over what are your boundaries. This isn’t going to be the last time you’re go to tell him what you expect from him in the relationship. I know you THIS IS THE LAST TIME but judging from your posts and how much you’re defending him, it probably won’t be. 

Post # 112
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

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sumshine.dawn:  i would have snooped too. Don’t feel guilty. your man shouldn’t have given you any reason to feel bad. It’s his fault. Not yours. I am a firm believer that as soon as you do or say or text or email something you don’t want your other half to see you’re cheating and letting your relationship down. 

I once finished a relationship because I caught an ex emailing another women, complaining about our relationship. It’a disloyal and it makes you look like a mug for standing by him. 

goodluck bee  x

 

 

Post # 113
Member
13726 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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sumshine.dawn:  I think your Fiance bears full responsibilty for leading this woman to believe that her explicit photos and texts were acceptable and not cutting her out of your lives the very first time it happened. The thing is, it’s not “just” a mutual friend who has different boundaries than you do. It’s a woman with whom he  has a sexual history. Big difference. 

But for some unfathomable reason, you’ve allowed her to cross the line repeatedly without putting your foot down. I can’t understand why it took you this long to have this conversation. 

Just because you have a mutual friend or friends is not a reason this person needs to be in your life.  Either see your friends separately from this person or find other friends. What kind of friends would support this person’s  behavior toward you, anyway? 

If Fiance really doesn’t know or care how inappropriate she has been, and has no boundaries of his own, you will have to decide if he’s the  kind of person you can live with. But you can’t blame this all on Asperger’s. 

Post # 114
Member
609 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

Unacceptable, he needs to disengage and cease communication with her IMMEDIATELY.

Post # 115
Member
4299 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

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sumshine.dawn:  Skimmed all 8 pages (Jeebus :/ ) Life isn’t black and white, boundaries aren’t black and white. Trust your gut. I do agree with a lot of posters regarding eliminating a lot of the other “noise” in your life. Focus on the 2 of you and getting to a place of comfort and trust. But take my view with a grain of salt, I exist pretty far outside of the normative view of relationships and society lol. 

Post # 116
Member
1162 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I thought to myself, what’s the big deal about snooping?  So I went home and took a look on DHs phone.  Keep in mind we’re older. Much older.  And I found a text from a woman he’s known since high school, like 45 years.  Started Hi handsome.  Then sexting part about thinking naked thoughts,  ending Love you. Previous texts were erased.  He had texted back, Love you too, but hadn’t hit send.  

I left his phone on the counter but left it open to this exchange on purpose. So he would know that I know.  I know this is just a flirtation, she lives across the country.  He didn’t say a word this morning about it but asked me if everything was ok. 

I cried in the car on the way to work.  No idea what to do.  

Post # 117
Member
969 posts
Busy bee

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karen12:  I am so sorry!  🙁  Your situation is completely unacceptable as well.  Sounds like you guys need a serious talk.

Post # 118
Member
316 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

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karen12:  I am sorry. Definitely confront him though. Good luck. 

Post # 119
Member
267 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

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karen12:  What to do? Confront him about it.

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