Post # 1
Last night we had a couples night out with a big group of my friends. One of the guys was chatting to my boyfriend and was joking about how we’re living together and all…and he’s exact words were “Sooo, you guys look great together. What’s happening? When are you guys getting married? Anything next year?”
My boyfriend’s reply? “What? Nothing’s going to happen”.
Now, not only did I overhear the conversation, but he even relayed it to me and joked about it afterwards. Let’s say, the laugh was very bitter on my part. Then he changes the topic to how some of my friends had invited him to a ski trip next year and he can’t wait for us to go.
We’ve been together 3 years, moved in together for over a year now and everytime I talk about us getting married and our future, he mentions money issues and always promises that things will eventually happen and to wait for the “surprise”. I’m now so over it…he always has another bill, toy or trip go by and I’m left wondering if I’m the sucker that is constantly letting him have his way, or if its time to move on. I’ve just confided in a friend and thought that its best I move out in the new year and get on with my life if nothing happens. If he still wants to date me, that’s fine, but I feel I should start thinking about me and see if I’m happier without him. Is this too harsh a move? I just feel so helpless. Sorry about the rant, this only happened hours ago and I’m still feeling raw by it. Any advice?
Post # 3
- Wedding: March 2012 - Father's Vineyard Church/ A Touch of Class Banquet Center
If he wants to make it happen, he will make it happen. I would definitely be a little leary if he is buying new gadgets and going on trips but then claiming money issues. In the end though, it’s up to you whether or not to stay. Only you truly know your relationship. You have to decide how long to wait. I would give yourself a timeline. If he hasn’t made any movement, then leave. You deserve someone who is willing to make it happen and wants to make it happen. It shouldn’t happen just because it’s an ultimatium. So give yourself a timeline and then hol dyourself to it. Either he will grow up and make it happen, or you will be free to find someone who will. I hope this helps 🙂
Post # 4
Did you tell him how much his comment hurt you? Ask him to be completely honest about his feelings about marriage. If he really isn’t ready and doesn’t think he will be, you need to know. But he needs to know how you feel about it- if he doesn’t see it as a big deal, maybe he doesn’t realize how much it matters to you.
Post # 5
You mean ultimatum as in, see how long I can wait it out for? I know I can’t give him an ultimatum else he’ll feel like I’m trapping him. He has pics of rings and in the beginning, it was him who brought up future plans though that seems to have twindled or not been mentioned since. I’m still struggling to figure out if he’s now just comfortable or I’m rushing things coz I feel so ready to be committed to him this way.
Post # 6
- Wedding: March 2012 - Father's Vineyard Church/ A Touch of Class Banquet Center
@blinx: I would never give an ultimatium like that. But I would let him know that the comments hurt. I would also have a serious talk about him about expectations for the future. Tell him that you are ready to be committed in this way, find out if he is ready or when he will be. Then it’s up to you to decide if you want to wait or not. I had to do this with my Fiance. I waited 7 years for him, but that was what I was willing to do for him. You have to decide what you are willing to do and how long you are willing to wait. I’ve been in the same boat, so I know how you are feeling. You aren’t alone in this!
Post # 7
@galloway111: Thanks for that, however I know he knows how much it means to mean but he comments on how you should get to know someone at least 3+ years as its the rest of your life, or he’s setting up the house for our future, etc. I’m just trying to figure out at what point enough is enough.
Post # 8
@blinx: I see nothing wrong with moving out to a place of your own. It’s only an ultimatum if he wants it to be. He’s prioritizing himself over you, so you should do the same. I would just feel bitter and resentful if I was waiting it out and he just kept dragging his feet. After all, he has everything he wants now without the commitment. But you don’t have everything you want. Put yourself first when deciding what to do next. Maybe he’ll come around, maybe he won’t. But at least you’ll be making yourself happy in the meantime. An engagement ring doesn’t trump your own personal happiness and self worth.
Post # 9
@blinx: First and foremost, I would be completely honest with him about that line of joking. Don’t let him simply get away with it. I would have politely informed him, later away from the friends, that the comment hurt your feelings. “I feel hurt because..” and explain from an “I” perspective so as to not throw him on the defensive.
Second – how old are the two of you? Are you both still maybe in college or graduate school? What’s his timeline look like. Does he envison himself out of school before marriage? Settled in a career first? Owning his own home. Everyone has lifegoals, but people normally have their own vision of when they happen. Have you talked to him about this.
I would focus on yourself. Place yourself as your No. 1 priority – whether that’s finishing a degree, working out to lose weight, hanging out with the girlfriends more, buying yourself the car or jewelry you wanted. Make yourself slightly less available and less of a “sure” thing.
Post # 10
@blinx: I agree with pp that you need to tell him what you heard and let him know that it hurt. It probably won’t get you any closer to the proposal, but it might shine a light on what’s going on in his head right now.
Post # 11
What a cruel man! Mind you guys when they are together are like that, they make these joke comments and do not realise how sensitve as women we are!
Was out with a male friend once, his girlfriend was not there. He said he was asked by his girlfriends friends as to when he was going to propose to her, and he said (with his Girlfriend sat next to him) – “Whats the rush, probably not for a good few years yet!”
He later explained it was to throw his girlfriend off, as he was planning a proposal right then and proposed to her a couple of months after (so he tells me, but more likely his Girlfriend got upset by his comment and threatened the end of them!)
If you get asked “so when you think your getting married” how many of us respond truthfully? We usually add on a few years so we don’t look over eager!
Post # 12
I know that if that happened to me I would feel disrespected and would be sooooo upset that I would get an impulse to leave right then too!!! But, reading other girls’ comments, I see that it would be wiser to sit down and talk first and foremost…
I hope you’re doing ok.
Post # 13
It sounds like he’s happy with the way things are. If you’re not, you need to tell him that, and why. Telling someone your needs is giving them an ultimatum. Neither is acting to fulfill those needs if the person you’ve told isn’t on board to do that.
I don’t know how old you guys are, but your boyfriend sounds young, like he’s not ready to really settle down and commit to a family yet. (And that’s what marriage really means.) So if he’s not willing to forego the toys and trips and start saving for the adult things, there’s really nothing you can do or say to change that.
Post # 14
I’m going to shed some light on what I went through pre-proposal. We’ve had joint finances for some time, and I handle all the money, so I knew there wasn’t “ring” money. Yet we seemed to be able to get new toys when it was convenient. (And they weren’t just for him, they were for me, too.) I was seriously thinking that we’d be dating another two years before I could expect a proposal, and to my surprise I got one when I least expected it.
So I’m going to be the happy positive cliche voice in the room. Do you love him? Do you want to be with him? If he says to wait for the surprise, then (as much as it might suck) you kind of just have to wait. I know. It sucks. Been there, done that. It s.u.c.k.s.
However, I *DO* agree with PPs that you need to tell him that his joking wasn’t funny, and it really hurt your feelings. Explain to him that he’s telling you to wait for the surprise, yet he’s telling his buddies in front of you and then replaying it to you that “nothing’s gonna happen” and how it comes off as very inconsistent. His saying that to his buddies makes you feel like there isn’t any surprise to wait for, and that he’s just leading you on. (or that’s what it would feel like to me, at least)
*HUGS* I know that waiting is very tough. I was going through it without knowing about the bee or what “waiting” really was, I just knew I wanted to be engaged already. So hang in there, have a heart to heart with him, and let us know how it goes.
Post # 15
I thibnk you need to be open and honest and not laugh at comments like that if they hurt you. Also, when he says he does not have the $$ for marriage but wants to go on a ski trip, call him on it. It seems like you want to be married or engaged in the next year but I can’t tell if it is truely because you want to spend the rest of your life with this man or if it is because you feel like that is the next step and if your relationship does not progress then it will/should regress. Talk honestly and let him know that you feel confident that you want to spend the rest of your life with him and find out if he honestly feels the same way. After a year of living together, he should have some idea of what he wants for the future. Personally, I don’t see the point of moving out unless you are breaking up. Once you moved in, moving out will only cause problems and, In My Humble Opinion, sends the wrong signal if you really want to spend your life with him.
Post # 16
Maybe it was to throw you off. You said he wants it to be a surprise, and since he knows you’re expecting, he probably wanted you to overhear that…. if not, then why would he repeat it to you again? So, perhaps he’s asking you in the near future and just wanted you to think “nothing’s going to happen”. 😉