Post # 1
Sometimes I catch myself wondering, “Do I really even want to marry you?” Or, “Ugh, I’m not dealing with that for the rest of my life. Boyfriend or Best Friend works early in the morning. Tonight we went to bed and our dog got sick. Vomit. Gross. Me, huge gag reflex. Really, it’s awful. I got up to clean up but it was, well, gag-worthy. I’m gagging as I clean up the puke (BF just rolls over and grumbles about the light.) Eventually I guess Imade so much noise gagging (Gee, sorry) that he got up to clean up the puke for me. Of course, I was done by then. Does he think I gag at vomit just to wake him up? Because I promise honey, I don’t. When I climbed back in bed, he’d rolled into the middle. There wasn’t enough room so I did a wiggle to get him to shift over. Instead, he reaches down and pushes our dog (we have two) ontop of me. Are you kidding? You get two-thirds of the bed and I get the dog ontop of my legs? So I’m on the sofa because the jerk-face said, “yeah, do that” when I asked if I should sleep on the sofa. He was being sarcastic but you know, I don’t always appreciate the sarcasim that’s more appropriate for at 13 year old than a 26 year old.
Now I’m sitting here thinking to myself, “god he’s such a baby sometimes” and wondering why I want to marry him at all. I do know why and I do love him, but sometimes it’s so frustrating to feel like the only grown up. I’m not perfect and i’m not always responsible and sensible. But I do feel like his mother sometimes. “Stop chewing your fingers” – he does this CONSTANTLY. “Stop shaking your leg” – he does this whenever he’s not chewing his fingers. “Wake up, it’s nearly noon.” – any day he’s not working. I know i can be a bit of a nag but it’s really difficult when you’re sitting next to someone who cannot sit the frick still for 30 seconds. Plus, my nagging got him to quit smoking which is a really good thing considering his mother’s current battle with lung cancer. All in all, we’re very happy together. Sometimes though, he acts like he’s four years old and I’ve noticed, it’s always when he wants to be sleeping. This really worries me because I can only imagine how he’ll be when there are night time feedings to deal with. In general, he’s a really moody guy. Not around me but at work and school. Around me he’s usually pretty happy but when he’s annoyed/upset/worried/angry/hungry, etc. he gets so crabby and he turns into a HUGE baby. Do men outgrow this or are we doomed to deal with this forever? Because sometimes I want to smack him and tell him he’s a 225lb child and unless he wants me to put him in a time out, he’ll need to grow the F up. How do you marry that? Ugh.
Post # 3
We all get irritated with our SO’s from time to time, but if you’re seriously questioning whether or not you can live with his behavior for the rest of your life, I think you might want to reconsider looking at engagement. Well, I guess you already kind of are reconsidering it. I’ve always been in the camp of “it just shouldn’t be that difficult”… when it comes to relationships, especially in their early stages (before marriage included). It just kinda sounds like you’re not super in love with this guy. Or have you slipped into the bitter-because-he-won’t-commit phase, and are starting to resent him because of it, perhaps? Either way, I don’t know that I’d be rushing into engagement at this point. There are either some things to be worked out, or some bags that need to be packed, IMO. Not that anything he’s done has been so horrible from what you said, it’s just that you don’t exactly seem to be loving your relationship situation as is.
Bottom line = Don’t buy the gallon if you don’t like the paint chip. Hah! I invented a new saying, like it? Can you tell I have home improvement on the brain today? 😉
Post # 4
@littlemissmango: Urgh. I do love him, a lot. I suppose it’s sort of a one-sided conversation, me just complaining about his flaws which isn’t really fair. I am frustrated for sure with where our relationship is. We’ve lived together for well over three years and we’ve talked about marriage and kids many, many times. We’re on the same page . . . it’s just an issue of timing. Which I feel like is sort of a lame excuse. He knows I want a beach wedding. He also knows I’d marry him at city hall. He’s just such a ‘typical’ guy. he focuses on one thing at a time. School. Work. Working out. TV. Facebook. He does that thing where he acts like he’s listening to me but he’s not actually at all. Little things like that are starting to wear on me and it’s not because I don’t love him but because I’m frustrated that I’m still his girlfriend and not something more. I know a lot of this is coming from the six weddings we attended this year (the final one is in three weeks) and the fact that I will be the last one to get married and it’s not going to be any time even remotely soon. Most of the time I’m okay waiting but at other times, I just wonder if it’s just not a priority for him the way I think it should be. He knows I’m frustrated as well. I don’t really talk about it all the time but maybe twice a year I’ll ask him when he thinks our wedding might happen. I’m not going to leave him and he knows that. I do wish though that he recognized that this is really, really important to me and if it’s that important to me, it should be that important to him too. We’ve talked about just doing a plain band for now but I guess that’s not going to happen either. Of course, I can’t make it be a priority for him and I’m not the sort to set ultimatiums or threaten him, etc. I feel bad that I’m complaining so much about him, it’s just all starting to get to me.
Post # 5
I agree with the previous poster. I know these are little things, but you’ve really got to consider if you want to be with this for the rest of your life. On the opposite end of the spectrum- he may not enjoy being nagged so it could lead to issues down the road (my ex constantly nagged me- he thought he was “helping”). People are who they are, nagging typically doesn’t help change behavior 🙂
I’m guessing youre tired and frustrated so get some sleep and invest in a king sized bed in the morning 🙂
Post # 6
My boss has been married for over 35 years and she gave me the best relationship advice I’ve ever received. She told me to always remember that most things just don’t matter. Instead of getting angry, annoyed or nagging, step away for a minute, take a breath and let it go. I promise you that a hour later you won’t even remember it. However, if there are things that do matter and that are still bothering you a hour later, then those are serious issues that need to be address and are often deal breakers.
Post # 7
I hope things begin to look up. I don’t have any advice because my SO does things that irritate me also, like wet towels in the hamper. 🙁 He gets sort of testy with all the working he has been having to and it’s been rough, but we are working through it.
Don’t buy the gallon if you don’t like the paint chip. I like that, littlemissmango!LOL
Post # 8
@Meowkers: great advice! The puke thing won’t matter after a good night’s sleep.
@maureen9004: and I agree, stop the nagging for awhile, it doesn’t feel good to be a nag. And he probably hates it.
Maybe engagement isn’t right and you shouldn’t “buy the gallon”. However, it’s hard to reallly SEE that through the bickering, nagging, etc. I’d say take care of yourself, be as cheerful and loving as you can genuinely be, STOP NAGGING, and see how your relationship looks after that. See if those feelings about knowing he’s the one come back.
And if not, you have a lot to think about. Maybe you are in the ‘bitter-becuase-he-won’t-commit’ phase and that is clouding your judgement.
Post # 9
The other thing that helps me deal with my FI’s annoying habits is getting away for a while. I have to travel for business (usually only during the summers, thank goodness) and when I leave for a 3 day trip, it always feels so good to come home to him, no matter how much he was annoying me before I left! I think for me, it just gets to be spending too much time together/seeing each other too much. Leaving for a while makes me appreciate the time we spend together when I come back.
Could you take weekend trip with some gal pals, or visit family or something for a few days to get a break?
Post # 10
It’s normal to get annoyed when you live together. You are human. The best marriage advice I ever received was that after the twinkling stars in your eyes fade, you see the real person, and the little things he does get on your nerves, remember why you fell in love. Hubs annoys me all the time, but I annoy him too! We love each other so much and even though there are things we each do that we don’t like, they are so trivial.
If you are having serious doubts and not just the occasional annoyance, then it might be a good idea to re-examine your relationship and decide if you want to pursue it for the long haul. It doesn’t matter who you marry though, they will annoy you from time to time.
Post # 11
@Meowkers: That is excellent advice! I should probably do that.
I know everyone has their annoying habits, and I have mine, I totally own up to it. I think my frustration is a lot of things mixed together. For one thing, we went ring shopping over three years ago. Nothing serious, but just because we were there and it was something we both wanted to do. I didn’t expect a ring then, but we were at a stage where we could talk about what our wedding would be like, etc. I guess in my mind I thought that we’d be getting a lot closer to ‘ready’ by now. I wonder if he’s dissatisfied with his life and that’s what’s driving this. . . along with the general grumpiness at work, etc. At a wedding in July someone asked him when we were getting married. He said, “oh, maybe 2012?” I admit, I was completely thrilled by his answer. He knows I will need well over a year to plan our wedding and 2012 would mean an engagement in 2011 and that’s soon! I was so excited for 30 seconds before I asked him, “really? 2012?” He looked at me and said, “Oh, yeah. That’s soon huh?” And my heart sank. It was stupid to get so excited anyway, but then to know that he hasn’t even thought about it enough to know that the years he’s randomly tossing out are getting close? It really hurt a lot. He’s two years younger than me, he’s still in school and it’s not a priority for him. That’s pretty much the whole story and I’m annoyed with him for not being in the same place I am. I know, it’s totally unfair.
As for the nagging…I try. I really do. He recognizes that he has an actual disorder. He cannot leave his fingers alone. EVER. He has a very weird oral fixation. He used to smoke and then for a year and a half he was on nicotine lozenges. He finished lozenges three days ago (so he’s been extra pleasant) and if he doesn’t have a mint in his mouth, he chews, chews, chews. If I could convince him to go see a doctor I think it would be really helpful. He is, however, a slightly immature man who refuses to pay for a copay and says, “but I like chewing my hands.” Urgh.
Thank you all for your advice and kind words, etc. It really is helpful and of course I know that no man (or woman) is perfect and we all have our flaws and frustrations and I’m not the only one who gets annoyed!
@MissTatas: I would LOVE to get away. Unfortunately there’s no money for that. We saved every extra penny we had for six months because my friend is getting married in Maine and we are flying to Boston, renting a car, and driving up the coast. We’re spending time in Boston too so that will be fun, I hope. Sadly though, no girl time away from the boy for me. I had brunch with my girlfriend today and then did a trial of her wedding hair. I can’t ever seem to get away from engaged, marrying people!
Post # 12
I can offer you no advice…but I must say, my Fiance chews/sucks on his fingers or bites his nails and it drives me INSANE. It’s so disgusting. I don’t thnk he even realizes that he’s doing it until I point it out. He goes into a finger-chewing/sucking trance. YUCK. It’s been going on for so long that I gave up trying to break that habit…..unless we’re around my family. I don’t make my parents watch him give his fingers blow jobs at the dinner table.
Post # 13
Ask yourself one simple question: Does the good outweigh the bad? If so, then you have to just put up with the b/s some of the time. I am embarrassed to admit that I am the one my husband puts up with, not the other way around.