And waiting….

posted 1 year ago in Waiting
Post # 61
2248 posts
Buzzing bee

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@Ellebelle:  Talking about “we” and “ours” is not the same as legally sharing assets.  Period.  You have to face this fact if you really want to make smart decisions here.

Again, I’m not trying to belittle you or throw shade at you, I’m trying to get you to see this clearly.  If your savings are wiped out and you’re not working now, you do depend on him.  “Crawling back” to your parents at 35 to build back up your bank account and actually pursue some real happiness is a small price to pay.

You have to figure out what you really want here.  Either you want to leave and make a real future for yourself or you don’t.  I’m sorry, but all of these reasons your giving are simply excuses.  If you were unhappy enough, you would find a way to leave.  I know, because I did it myself.

Post # 62
2956 posts
Sugar bee

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@Ellebelle:  Just wanted to let you know that if you’re done hearing advice, you have the ability to close the thread. 

Post # 63
649 posts
Busy bee

I’m sorry to read you are experiencing such negativity and nastiness.

I think mentally, you can check out and “just leave” you can come to that decision, and then take to time to slowly extracate yourself and your life, career and finances, to grow apart from his rather than just physically packing a bag and dumping everything you have built.  Take the next few moonths to do what you can to start “packing” your life and making it portable so you don’t lose everything you have build while alongside this man.

I wish you positivity, light and happiness.

Post # 64
4590 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I am sorry you are feeling beat down bee.  I know that responses can be on the tough love side, but I hope that you do know that we all are posting because we care and want you to be happy.  

Post # 65
5999 posts
Bee Keeper

I wasn’t trying to be nasty – at all, I was just pointing out that youre just delaying the inevitable. Really, what is going to change in 2 months time? You’ll still be in the same position. Of course it’s hard to leave a relationship. I’ve done it, and I was sad for a few months. But it was the right thing to do. 

My daughter came crawling back after her divorce at age 29. It’s not the worst thing in the world.

Post # 66
157 posts
Blushing bee

You’re settling, OP, and it’s sad to see. You obviously want marriage, otherwise you wouldn’t have started this thread and spent so much energy and emotional willpower thinking about it. And because he doesn’t want marriage with you, you’re trying to force yourself into a mindset that isn’t actually yours- making a long-term commitment without marriage being on the table. 

You can’t force yourself to like something you’re not actually fine with. All it’s going to cause is resentment on your end and poison your relationship as you continue to try to fit a round peg in a square hole. 

We understand it’s easier said than done to leave. So when you go back to work, change how finances work so you can rebuild your savings. Decide if/when you leave if you’ll try to bring any of your mutual pets with you. Start separating yourself from him so that if you decide you need to get out you’re not financially dependant on him.

Post # 67
451 posts
Helper bee

Well the fact that he got angry the first time you asked, and that you had to get drunk to muster up the courage to ask him a second time, I’m leaning towards you may not be right for each other. You shouldn’t have to rely on liquid courage to ask a question about your future, and he shouldnt get angry 

Post # 68
2449 posts
Buzzing bee

I don’t think anyone is being nasty. I think they are saying things you do not want to hear. Unfortunately, your post is full of red flags.

The first red flag was what he said when you brought up marriage. He told you that he isn’t interested. The second red flag was that he got ANGRY. Anger is different from not wanting to do something. He’s angry because talking about marriage feels like a threat to him. That’s how much he doesn’t want it. He’s punishing you for bringing it up – and it worked. You brought it up again but had to drink to get the courage, and the same thing happened. The third and fourth red flags are about communication and manipulation. You are now in a relationship where you can’t communicate. You had to drink to get the courage to bring it up again. He is using his anger to threaten you into not talking about this or having expecations, then he tries to placate you with talks about how he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. That’s all incredibly manipulative. You are terrified to have a discussion about your future with this man. Does that seem normal to you?

Now let’s look at your reaction, which honestly was weird. He tells you point blank, two times, that he doesn’t want to get married and gets angry discussing it. Then he holds you and says he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. And in response you send him info on rings? WHY? He never said he wanted to marry you, so I have no idea why you thought he would be receptive to buying a ring or to marriage. You bring up marriage and he tells you ‘why did you do it here’ and you for some reason interpret that as him being traditional because you practically proposed to him? No, you didn’t practically propose. You started a conversation about marriage, and the two are very different. 

In these examples, it’s clear that he barely has to do or say anything for you to willfully delude yourself into hearing what you want to hear. 

Then we find out a bit more about your relationship. You’ve sacrificed a lot for all these moves, which he wants to do but you end up doing the work for. He is financially supporting you – which is fine, but you are not married and there’s nothing stopping him from kicking you out tomorrow. 

So, what I’m getting from your relationship is that basically he calls the shots, and you do the work and make things happen. And he is unwilling to listen to you or give you what you need so long as it’s not what he wants. 

It also sounds like there might be money involved, and you keep saying that you are worry-free on that front, and he mentioned issues with his parents. So from that I am wondering if he actually has some financial success and while he doesn’t mind having a steady girlfriend who can do things for him and basically be like a second mom to him, he isn’t actually interested in tying his life to her legally. Possibly he’s thinking you are good for now, but not forever, and doesn’t want to tell you about that. It’s also possible that he’s bothered by the age difference and doesn’t want to settle down. 

It’s not a pretty picture, but you have a lot of power here. Only you can keep yourself where you are. You have the power to not accept his behavior. You have the power to go to him right now and insist on a respectful conversation where he explain himself. I’m not a fan of these ‘secret timelines’ – after all this time and after his behavior you have a right to a conversation about this. And from there you need to decide if you want to be in a relationship where you can be thrown away or one in which a man would be ecstatic to be your husband. 

I dated a guy for years who didn’t want to get married, at least not to me. He proposed as a way to keep me, and then ditched me a short while later. Then he married someone else. It was devastating. But I ended up marrying someone who couldn’t wait to be my husband and who has never made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. I’m so glad now that my ex left me and I went through all of that pain to be happier than I’ve ever been. 

Post # 69
957 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

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@Ellebelle:  You seem to think people are telling you to leave because he won’t marry you.  Your defense is to say should you give up a loving relationship just because he won’t marry you.  No, I think people in relationships can compromise, give up one dream for another, so no, this isn’t the main reason you will eventually decide to leave.

He got ‘really mad’, ‘irrationally’ mad, TWICE when you’ve brought up a subject that was important to you.  Then he gave you a BS excuse about his parents marriage.  This is not what a loving coequal partner does about a subject that is important to the other partner.  Then he love bombs you so you will go back to the status quo of being what he wants you to be.  It doesn’t matter that everything else is peaches and cream.  It’s only peaches and cream when you tow the line.  You’re scared to bring something up that’s important to you, you’re SCARED to have an adult conversation with him! 

Bee, you will leave sooner or later, there is no question about that, because you are too mature and aware of your self worth to put up with a partner you can’t even communicate with.  You just have to decide when that’s going to happen.  It’s always going to be painful.  We’ve all been there.  We get it.  Hugs. 

Post # 71
1772 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m sorry you are feeling overwhelmed about all this. I think he does not want to get married, but he does want to be with you.  You should definitely have a conversation with him about this and ask him to please not get angry as you are just wanting to know about your future with him – is marriage going to happen or not?  If he is not willing to commit to marriage then you should know that before you go any further and have your hopes dashed.  You will have to decide if you are ok with just being with him and living with him without marriage.  No one can decide for you if you should leave or not – that is entirely up to you.  I know it hurts and it will be terrible if he doesn’t want marriage as it is something you really want, but best you find out sooner than later. I wish you all the best, Bee!

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