I don’t think anyone is being nasty. I think they are saying things you do not want to hear. Unfortunately, your post is full of red flags.
The first red flag was what he said when you brought up marriage. He told you that he isn’t interested. The second red flag was that he got ANGRY. Anger is different from not wanting to do something. He’s angry because talking about marriage feels like a threat to him. That’s how much he doesn’t want it. He’s punishing you for bringing it up – and it worked. You brought it up again but had to drink to get the courage, and the same thing happened. The third and fourth red flags are about communication and manipulation. You are now in a relationship where you can’t communicate. You had to drink to get the courage to bring it up again. He is using his anger to threaten you into not talking about this or having expecations, then he tries to placate you with talks about how he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. That’s all incredibly manipulative. You are terrified to have a discussion about your future with this man. Does that seem normal to you?
Now let’s look at your reaction, which honestly was weird. He tells you point blank, two times, that he doesn’t want to get married and gets angry discussing it. Then he holds you and says he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. And in response you send him info on rings? WHY? He never said he wanted to marry you, so I have no idea why you thought he would be receptive to buying a ring or to marriage. You bring up marriage and he tells you ‘why did you do it here’ and you for some reason interpret that as him being traditional because you practically proposed to him? No, you didn’t practically propose. You started a conversation about marriage, and the two are very different.
In these examples, it’s clear that he barely has to do or say anything for you to willfully delude yourself into hearing what you want to hear.
Then we find out a bit more about your relationship. You’ve sacrificed a lot for all these moves, which he wants to do but you end up doing the work for. He is financially supporting you – which is fine, but you are not married and there’s nothing stopping him from kicking you out tomorrow.
So, what I’m getting from your relationship is that basically he calls the shots, and you do the work and make things happen. And he is unwilling to listen to you or give you what you need so long as it’s not what he wants.
It also sounds like there might be money involved, and you keep saying that you are worry-free on that front, and he mentioned issues with his parents. So from that I am wondering if he actually has some financial success and while he doesn’t mind having a steady girlfriend who can do things for him and basically be like a second mom to him, he isn’t actually interested in tying his life to her legally. Possibly he’s thinking you are good for now, but not forever, and doesn’t want to tell you about that. It’s also possible that he’s bothered by the age difference and doesn’t want to settle down.
It’s not a pretty picture, but you have a lot of power here. Only you can keep yourself where you are. You have the power to not accept his behavior. You have the power to go to him right now and insist on a respectful conversation where he explain himself. I’m not a fan of these ‘secret timelines’ – after all this time and after his behavior you have a right to a conversation about this. And from there you need to decide if you want to be in a relationship where you can be thrown away or one in which a man would be ecstatic to be your husband.
I dated a guy for years who didn’t want to get married, at least not to me. He proposed as a way to keep me, and then ditched me a short while later. Then he married someone else. It was devastating. But I ended up marrying someone who couldn’t wait to be my husband and who has never made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. I’m so glad now that my ex left me and I went through all of that pain to be happier than I’ve ever been.