- 10 years ago
I don’t even know where to start with this… It’s going to take a lot of background.
Five years ago, I became friends with ‘Mary’. We worked together and really hit it off well. I introduced her to all my friends and she introduced me to the guy I’d eventually be marrying in two months. All however did not remain positive..
Since then, there has been a lot of drama when it comes to her. Over the five years, we had some ups and downs – at one point she held a grudge against me for five months and ignored me every single day at work. When we became friends again, I felt she was too needy and really struggled with having her in my life. We no longer worked together, but she was always around socially. I began to distance myself from her but it was difficult with our group being so tight. Ultimately, a major event ended our friendship. Her husband disrespected me in my own home and it blew up very quickly to the point where I called the police to have him escorted out (the police never did come but I had to actually dial 911 to get them to go). I apologized to her three days later about the things I felt I had done wrong and explained that I would not be treated that way by anyone, not even her husband. She wrote back that while she appreciated the apology, she didn’t want me in her life anymore.
The problem of course is that – as I said – as a result of me introducing her to everyone, including my bestie who she now considers HER BFF, she is friends with EVERYONE I know. So for the past 18+ months, we have been struggling with this issue of us not being friends anymore. During that time, I was invited to a party at her home thrown for my best friend. I arrived with a gift for her soon to be born child and a card. She didn’t acknowledge me that day – as in, she opened the door and turned around without even smiling or saying hello, just open and walk away. A few months later, I arrived at another mutual friend’s wedding reception – not knowing she would be there – and she ignored me again, while her hubby went over and chatted up my fiance. Two birthday dinners went by with her doing the same thing – chatting up everyone around me and literally ignoring me, even if I said hello.
Finally after being tired of getting caught in the middle, my bestie told her off. Said that she needed to stop being so judgmental and stop holding this grudge – be cordial to me in public and at the very least RESPOND or SMILE if I said hello. That was 6 months ago and still, nothing. Recently at another birthday dinner, she wasn’t as rude as usual, but it took 2 hours of me oohing and aahing over her baby for her to even talk to me. My bestie considered that ‘progress’ – I considered that. Ahem. Bullsh*t.
At that point, I made the decision that enough is enough. I’ve apologized more than once and tried MANY times over to be kind to her. The truth is that while I sometimes miss the fun, light hearted times we had in the first few years we were friends, my life is more relaxed when she isn’t a part of it. Still, it is odd to know that she was once someone who would have been a bridesmaid in my wedding… and now, she isn’t even on the guest list.
I struggle with this. My best friend is someone I have been ‘sharing’ with this girl since I introduced them. My bestie would love for us to make up – and yet complains to me about the same reasons and actions in their friendship that make me think ‘I really don’t miss that girl.’ The other day, my bestie tells me that Mary mentioned that she should say hi to me – and that she had been thinking about me a lot lately and missing me (sound familiar?) – and after coming back today from a few days of vacation, this is the message I get from her via Facebook along with her requesting me again as a friend:
I just wanted to send you a note to say congratulations on your engagement! I’m so very happy for you & your fiance. I’m a bit sad that we’ve missed out on some huge moments in each other’s lives, but I at least wanted to send you a note because I truly am happy for you. I still think of you (here she discusses an older personal joke we had) and laugh everytime!
Take care! :)Mary
I’m completely surprised about this. First, I’ve been engaged for 7 months so getting the congrats now, two months out from the wedding is slightly annoying. I also reached out to this girl on many occasions (including upon hearing of her pregnancy and birth of her daughter) only to be rebuffed over and over again. So as far as ‘missing out’ that is on her, big time. I can’t honestly say that I don’t care – clearly I do, because I cared for her. I’m hurt, I’m angry and frankly for me, while she has been holding this grudge and treating me like a second rate citizen, I’ve only gotten more upset with her for pulling this crap not only once before for five months, but now twice and this time for nearly TWO YEARS!
At one point, I considered this girl one of my dearest friends. I know that some of our friends would like nothing more than for the two of us to kiss and make up. Especially our ‘mutual’ best friend who – right after I got engaged – told me in no uncertain terms that the two of us needed to figure it out before she got engaged (which by the way she isn’t quite to that point et but might be in the next year or so). However, I also feel really strongly that our friendship is beyond the point of being mended. Shutting someone out so rudely for almost two years is a long time to come back around congratulating and well wishing, saying you miss and think of me.
Bees – what would you? I’m so torn.