(Closed) And what if my family does come??

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
4485 posts
Honey bee

If they are not a part of your life right now, why are you inviting them? Your guestlist should be those nearest and dearest to you, not folks you invite out of obligation. Never invite you don’t even know, even if they’re related to you.

Post # 4
Member
1426 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I’m in a similar situation with my dad’s mom.  I used to see her once a year- at Christmas.  Then she told my dad to stop bringing us because she couldn’t afford to get us gifts anymore.  First off, she could afford it, she just never knew what to buy (because she hardly knew us!).  Secondly, we would have been happy with no gifts at all and just a nice Christmas brunch.  Did she really think the only reason we would want a relationship with our grandmother was to get some cruddy hat and scarf set once a year?  At her request, I haven’t seen her in 10 years.  She also stopped sending cards on my birthday.  So I was dreading what to do about the wedding invitations.  I spoke to my dad about it, and rather than telling him what I really thought (that I didn’t want her there), I told him that I thought it would be too difficult and too big of an expence for her to travel, and so I didn’t want to burden her with that by inviting her and making her feel guilty about not coming.  That worked, I didn’t invite her, and everyone saved face.

I’m sorry you’re stuck dealing with this.  Maybe you could talk to your mom and see what she suggests?  Or you could use the engagement party as a test run.  If she doesn’t come then you have a better idea that she probably won’t come to the wedding.  If she does come, well at least you get the awkwardness out of the way now, rather than having to deal with it on your actual wedding day!  Good luck, and try not to stress about it too much.  I mean, if you don’t invite her and she’s offended, it’s not like your relationship could get any worse, right?

Post # 6
Member
3762 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I think if your mom really wishes things were different then you should try to include your grandma in the wedding.  Send her the invite to the engagement party and see what happens.  If she does come, spend a few moments catching up with her, introduce her to your Fiance, etc. 

Post # 7
Member
655 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

We sent courtesy invites to family members we aren’t close with who our parents assured us wouldn’t attend. I wish we’d made a rule about not inviting people we don’t know or trust to avoid saying negative things.

This is what happened with the invites to family we aren’t close with:

1) They didn’t RSVP or return calls about RSVPs, which got really frustrating for our parents and us.

2) One just kind of waffled back and forth, taking two days of her questions and phone calls to make her final decision, which was no. (5 days after the RSVP deadline)

3) Some ended up making plans to attend and now we’re kind of nervous because we won’t know who they are when we greet them at the reception.

I wish we hadn’t invited people we didn’t genuinely want to attend. I think if people are upsetting to you or you don’t know them well, they do not warrant an invitation. In my experience, it can end up being more of a headache than forgoing the invite alltogether.

Post # 8
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

As awful as it is, these people have decided they do not want to be part of your life, or part of your mother’s life. That must be heartbreaking, and I can’t imagine how hard it would be for any of you. But it’s just the way it is. I really don’t think you should invite them, as you can’t force someone to be part of your life. They have made it very clear they are not interested in being a family, and I think you would be better off ensuring you are surrounded by people who really love and support you and your FH. All the best!

Post # 9
Member
5762 posts
Bee Keeper

I wouldn’t invite them either. We’ve had 2 weddings this past year and didn’t invite anyone from my husband’s side of the family. They have no relationship with us or our kids anyway,so why bother? They’ve done enough through the years with declining other invitations,we didn’t even consider inviting them to these 2 big events. They weren’t missed either.

Just because people are related by blood doesn’t mean they aren’t toxic. Save yourself some hearthache and exclude them from your list. If they aren’t speaking to your Mom,they probably won’t speak to you. 🙁

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