- 8 years ago
Hello everyone! I just need a few words of encouragement as I’ve been having a rough time this week. Back story first – I’ll be as brief as possible – and then onto the present issue.
I’m 22, I’ve never met my real dad, nor had any correspondence with him with the exception of an email or two when I was 12, and I answered the phone once when he called my mom for whatever reason. When I was 9, I went through a really hard time accepting that I would never know my real father (I know who he is) and life went on.
When I was in preschool, my mother had a serious relationship with a man we’ll call J. We lived with him for several years, but it didn’t work out, and when I was 5 they split up and we moved in with my grandparents. I continued to visit him several times a year over the course of a few years, but eventually he faded out as mom met a new man, and he faded in.
She married C when I was 7 or 8. They were together for 5 or 6 years and he was a wonderful father figure. He helped me with my homework, made sure I did my chores, but after awhile, his alcoholism became a problem and they divorced. I don’t remember whether the divorce was a messy one or not, but I do know I was confused and didn’t learn why they split up until I was older. Like with J, I continued to see him a few times a year, but he too eventually faded out as a new man faded in.
I don’t remember when A moved in, but it wasn’t long after C moved out. He was a lot of fun, funny, and had some great stereo equipment, but wasn’t around too much since he was military. He ended getting stationed in DC shortly after Sept 11, and we moved from WI to VA to be with him. They almost separated during Spring Break of my Junior year, but just 4 months later they wed on my 16th birthday. The whole family was upset as over the years they had learned that he was a liar and a manipulater and was not a very good person. But he seemed nice, and she loved him, and life moved on. And then she got pregnant several years after the wedding. It wasn’t planned and clearly by his actions, wasn’t wanted. She began wondering if he was cheating as every night he’d go out to the “store” and wouldn’t return for hours and would come back smelling of alcohol. She finally left him when my baby brother was 2.
Now here is the part that gets tricky. This man lives 7 minutes up the road from me and is the last father figure I have. He’s been around the longest, and although it’s always been clear he and my mother weren’t the best as a couple, he’s always been good to me. He’s very much a materialist, and shows his affection with gadgets, but I can honestly say that he’s never said/done anything to me that would warrant me to not like him.
That being said, I’m the only of his three kids that gets treated this way. His son from a previous marriage despises him, and he has made only one effort in 8 months to see my baby brother.
And now they’ve finally started court process to establish custody/visitation schedule and he is being nothing but hypocritical and obstinate. He appeared at the court without council, tried to play the victim card, and say that my mom has been trying to keep my brother from him, which is absolutely a lie when he has made no effort to see him. He went from having him for 7 days at a time, every other week, to dropping off the planet. At first (in June 10) it was fine because he was having issues with his back, which have been ongoing for as long as I’ve known him, but they were bad enough to the point that he was put on medication that made him unable to care for a small child alone.
But after several months of no emails, no phone calls, no skype, and no attempt to see his son… WTF? August of 10 I went to him and asked him “what are you doing? Your absenteeism will not go unnoticed, and it makes you look like a dead beat”.
Until Christmas where he gets all nostalgic and decides that after 6 months of no contact, he would like his son for a week around Christmas. My mom, the hopeful she is, granted this to him. And after his visitation, we’ve heard nothing…again.
And now, ever since, my 3 1/2 year old brother has been angry. The sweetest boy I’ve ever known, is angry, in pain, and going through the same thing my mom and I did growing up as children – the pain of not understanding why your own father doesn’t want to see you and the anger at him. It’s gotten so bad that after he spent the weekend at my house and returned home, a small normal bed time fit turned into 30 minutes of bloody murder screaming. And somewhere in that mess, he was able to articulate that he was angry because “I was so close to daddy but I couldn’t see him”. So now, my baby brother, my pride and joy, my best friend, cannot come to my house because he gets so upset.
I’m so devastated. This child and I have been best friends since the moment he was born. I have treated him as my own and learned a love for another person I’ve never known. I was 18 when he was born so not only have I loved him as a brother, but as a guardian.
Sorry it’s so long, and thank you for anyone who has read this far. I just really needed to get this off my chest for multiple reasons – 1. I’m trying to do my college homework and I can’t focus, 2. Everytime I start talking about it with my SO he shuts down, and I know it’s because he doesn’t understand and because he doesn’t like A anyways so he doesn’t want to say anything to make things worse. Any words of encouragement to get me through this rough patch are appreciated.
Thanks bee for giving me a place to vent.