(Closed) Anger Management…

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Hmm, honestly, it wouldn’t bother me as much about the throwing (although it would definitely be scary!), but that’s the kind of thing that you can work on with counseling if hes’ really willing to devote himself to it, but the fact that he was blaming it on you when he was just playing a game by himself. Can you say more about other times “he thinks you have an issue and you really don’t”? THat would be cause for alarm for me. 

Post # 4
Member
1510 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I don’t want to defend your Fiance here, but keep in mind that he was playing a game.  Just because he got frustrated and through the controller doesn’t mean that if something happened with your child, he would hit you, punch your child or throw one of you against the wall.

While you may not play video games, perhaps you can relate back to the days when you played a game with your friends that you took seriously… whether it was chess, Scene It, or even back when you played games at recess.  My point is, getting upset when you lose or mess up and stomping your foot on the ground or something of the like is similar to him tossing his controller. 

Has he ever threatened YOU?  Have you ever had any indication that he would be violent towards YOU?  If you think that he has, then there definitely is a problem.  If this was an isolated incident in your years of being together, I would let it pass.  It’s good to show him that you don’t like that kind of behavior, but I also wouldn’t go overboard if this has never happened before and he has never displayed violent tendencies towards you.

Post # 5
Member
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Was it unusual thathe threw something?  Or unusual that he got this angry?  How does he usually express anger and frustration?

Post # 6
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Agree with Mrs. L. People come from VERY different backgrounds in terms of how much emotion they allow themselves to express and in what ways. 

Post # 7
Member
5263 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

I don’t think that particular behavior is scary or problematic, but I would worry if he had ever done anything to make you feel unsafe. Was he totally absorbed in the game, or were the two of you talking? Do you feel that the violence was directed toward you? 

It’s one thing if he was just frustrated, and threw the controller. Honestly, I do things like that all the time (I punch pillows, hit surfaces, etc. What can I say, I have a temper!) and R does too, but he never directs it at me, so it never bothers me in the slightest. If you feel like he’s going to harm you, though, that’s a different story. 

Post # 9
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee

the throwing of the controller is pretty silly i think. i’d be concerned about the example he’s setting for the kids- you get angry over a game and throw stuff? not acceptable in my book. it’s good that you brought it up to him- doesn’t seem like he’d act violent towards you just from that, but he needs to learn how to communicate what he’s feelings rather than lashing out!

Post # 10
Member
5263 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

Obviously you should voice your concerns, but to be frank, unless he shows that behavior directly towards you or another person, I wouldn’t worry. Like I said before, I’m that way, R is that way, my mom is that way, etc – although she threw a remote at the wall when she was mad at me before, haha! – and it doesn’t bother me one bit. There’s a huge difference between expressing anger through punching or throwing an object far away from a person, and actually hurting a person. Psychologically one does not equal the other. 

Post # 11
Member
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

If it makes you uncomfortable that’s what matters.  I would wait until you’re both in a calm, relaxed sort of place before bringing up the fact that his behavior bothered you.  As people have said, it may be that the two of you have different ways of processing anger, but that doesn’t mean either of you is required to indulge each and every one of each other’s behaviors.  There are plenty of ways for him to physcially process his feelings that don’t involve scaring you.

Post # 12
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

One point is that it scared you.  Even if the behaivor is completely unproblematic and another woman wouldn’t blink he is in a relationship with you and if that sort of thing scares you this is a problem – because having one partner scared of the other is very wrong.  You might want to talk to him in this context, not that he is doing something wrong but that you can’t control whether or not this scares you and he doesn’t want you scared of him right?  (You can not change your reaction to this, it’s instinctive, so he has to change his actions.)

Another point is regarding apologizing, it caught my eye that you thought he wasn’t as apologetic as he should be.  Abusers are often extremly apologetic and the ‘honeymood’ phase can actually be one of the signs of abuse.  So while I don’t know the situation it’s likely he wasn’t that apologetic because he had zero intention of scaring you or intimidating you so he didn’t think he’d done anything wrong.

Third point is that I do not think expressing frustration at a game or getting really angry at it is a sign that someone will not be able to handle conflict with a teenager or whatever.  These are very different things.  I’ve never so much as yelled at someone or said hurtful things I was thinking but I’ve cursed about much minor things.

Last point, I agree that him blaming you for an explosion (if that is what he did) is problematic.  You are not to blame for his actions.  Also, him assigning emotions to you that you don’t actually have is not good.  He should trust you when you tell him you aren’t mad etc.

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