(Closed) Angry and depressed… am I just an afterthought bride?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1105 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@merewynne:  Im so sorry you’re feeling down about all of this. But I hope I can help, if not much, at least a little.

 

Have you considered a destination wedding? You said your friends are all very far away and most people who would attend are all over the place, so maybe a destination wedding would be perfect for you? Its also something differen than the “same old wedding stuff” your fiance doesnt want. If you’re uninterested in a Destination Wedding, I think you should consider picking a date and instead of asking your fiance to help just bring it up to him and tell him its something youd like him to do for you. If he truly loves you, he should be willing to let you have a wedding like you and every other bride deserves.

As far as your bullet points:

 

The contributing factors:

  • It’s his second marriage, my first… so my insecure self is battling with being “sloppy seconds” and living in the shadow of my ex-wife-in-law.

He divorced her for a reason, and hes dating YOU for a reason. He doesnt want her, or love her anymore. He wants you and everything you are, and everything you bring to the relationship. He chose YOU.

  • He wants to marry me (he says), but he’s already “been there done that” and thinks weddings are just a pain in the butt.

I wrote a bit about how I felt about this in my initial post. You deserve to have the wedding you want, bring up a date with him.

  • He fears that this will be a huge spectacle with enormous meringue dresses and bouffant hairdos… so does not fit my tom-boy style! I even hate getting manicures.

Explain to him your vision, and remind him that you’re not a meringue dress, bouffant wearing kinda girl! Again, maybe a destination wedding would be more fitting for the two of you?

  • My father is going through terminal cancer

Im so sorry for this. I dont have much to say expect that I am sending you hugs. My mother passed away from colon cancer when I was young, and I can completely understand how awful of a time it can be. Remember to celebrate his life though. Ive seen so many deaths and gone through so many talks with family members about death, that the general consensus is.. “celebrate me.” So do that in every way you can.

  • His grandmother continues to call me the ex’s name.

Yeah, this one sucks. How old is she? She might just honestly have a hard time remembering. Does he correct her? Maybe you could try to spend some one-on-one time with her so she knows you better?

  • His colleagues confused me with his ex.

I’ve been here. We actually had someone who thought I was a different girl, and proceeded to talk about the other girl (me) right there in front of me. Thankfully he didnt say anything nasty. My fiance quickly cleared up that I was in fact the same girl and we are engaged.

  • My wedding date was unintentionally hijacked… by a dear friend 10 years younger than me!

This sucks! Was it intentional or an accident? If it was an accident, just brush it off. Stuff happens, oh well. (Sometimes I should take my own advicee :P) I know its not easy, but try choosing another date that suits you (Maybe you will end up liking it more!)

  • My mother blew the surprise before my boyfriend had a chance to propose.

My fiance’s cousins father did the same thing. He made a toast at a family dinner that the guy asked for his approval.. well, problem was.. they guy hadnt asked for his cousins hand in marriage yet. I know it might seem like s**t keeps happening to you, but I guarantee you this type of thing happens more often than you think.

  • My mother announced my engagement to her friends and our family before I even got home.

Again, totally crappy but look on the bright side of things as much as you can. You’re marrying the man you love, who adores and loves you!

  • I am constantly excluded by his children. It’s a proven fact, not an impression.

Children have a really REALLY hard time with new additions into a family, especially of the motherly type. Take it from an ex-7 year old who had a passionate hatred for her step-mother. Its not you, its that their parents arent together anymore and thats not something they ever wanted. Regardless of this though, remember they are children who do not understand that their parents may in fact be better off without eachother. 

  • He wants his kids to be at the destination wedding… now I can feel excluded at my own weddingmoon!

I’m confused.. I didnt read anyhting about a Destination Wedding before. I might be blind but if its an actual Destination Wedding and not a honeymoon, I think the kids should be there. Maybe they can go back early with their grandmother/father from your fiances sidee?

  • His sister already told me (at her 2nd bachelorette party) that I’m an old maid because I’m 40 with no kids and never been married.

Maybe you should tell her that you were just waiting for the right man, instead of settling. Id probably be nasty to her, but you seem too sweet to do any of the things I would do!

  • My mother told me I better hurry up because I’m getting old.

40 is the new 20. Seriously, and im 23. You are not old. You are “older” than what some peope consider the “norm” as far as ages to get married go. But please, you’re young and still have a lot of life to live. 

  • Not that it’s a competition, but I will be the last of all of my friends to get married – even those I used to babysit.

Meh. Who cares? So it took you longer to find “the one.” Its not your fault, its that damn ex-wife of his for marrying your man before you got the chance! 😛 Im obviously joking, but like I have said before, you had to find someone who you loved whole-heartedly and are happy with, so this took a little while.. would you rather be divorced with kids (ask your fiance, I am sure its not easy nor something he would wish on anyone else.)

 

I hope I helped, and I really and truly wish you the best of luck. You sound like a really sweet person. 🙂

Post # 4
Member
2951 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 1998

@merewynne:  You need to stop all of the negative thought that are running through your head and focus on all the positive ones.

It’s very easy to get caught up in these feeling but it very self destructive.  

I think you could really benefit from having somd therapy. 

You deserve to be happy, loved and respected:)

Post # 5
Member
1066 posts
Bumble bee

@merewynne: Firstly a big hug for you!! YOU love your man and he treats you like a queen! You need to realize YOU deserve this happiness.

This is my mans first wedding, so I am going all out for him. Sometimes we need to make sacrifices. This is your first wedding and it sounds like you want to set a date and have your own dream wedding to remember.You need to tell your man.  It sounds like he loves you enough to understand your needs. Furthermore, you can’t make his kids like you but there is nothing stopping you from trying for a baby yourself. If that is what you both want. Embrace your happiness hun, you deserve it!!!

Post # 6
Member
1805 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@merewynne:  oh no, don’t be sad.. You’re engaged!! Your Fiance seems like a great guy and a guy who wants to marry you! Yay! Explain to him that thisis your first wedding and that you’re excited I bet he will totally understand! Get excited about this and leave your negative feelings behind. He’s picked you to spend the rest of his life with and that’s awesome 

Post # 7
Member
855 posts
Busy bee

*hugs*

I am a HUGE believer in positive thinking. I read something somewhere about the mind not processing negative things so for example, if you are driving a car and keep thinking “don’t crash, don’t crash, don’t crash” your mind is only focussing on “crash, crash, crash”. But if you think to yourself “drive safely, drive safely, drive safely” your mind will hear “safely, safely, safely” and you’ll be less likely to have an accident.

The more we think about negative things, the more they seek us out. Positive people get positive results because they are always on the look out for positive things – whereas those with a negative outlook on life are drawn towards negative things.

Excited To Bee wrote an INCREDIBLE post as to why you should be happy – listen to her! You have an amazing guy who wants to be with YOU! celebrate that!

There is nothing wrong with being 40 – check out the 40something boards on here – there are loads of women your age who are fabulous and will hopefully prove to you that 40 is nothing to be ashamed of! don’t let other people make you think otherwise!

Start to think about all the GOOD things in your life and don’t focus on the bad things.

Chin up, love. This is going to be the start of a brand new amazing life for you Laughing

Post # 8
Member
9231 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

@Excited To Bee:  

What a well thought out answer.  All I would add is that if the joie de vivre is truly missing, counseling may be a wise step, too.

Post # 9
Member
1463 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Excited To Bee:  +1000 ….You are so awesome to answer with such detail.

I would like to add that I got engaged at 47 years old. By the time my Fiance comes home we will be 49 and 50. We could careless what anything thinks of our ages we are happy and it is all that matters.

GREAT BIG HUG

Post # 10
Member
1181 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

You need to set a date! Then you get to start planning your special day, and you’ll definitely get wrapped up in that. 40 is definitely not too old! You were just waiting for “Mr.Right” to come along. You do have some bummy stuff going on but focus on the positive! Congratulations!!!!!

Post # 12
Member
1218 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I’m glad you are currently in therapy, and I would advise you to continue and/or seek a new therapist if you don’t feel it’s working.

It can be extremely hard to move on with a new relationship when you’ve been in an abusive relationship previously. Add to that your issues with depression and low self-esteem and you can often find yourself finding it hard to be happy or trust your new partner. I’ve been there.

I think you and your Fiance would both benefit from a discussion where you make it clear to him that you are NOT a Bridezilla, your wedding will not turn into the nightmare wedding he dreads, and you are going to work together to plan a day both of you will love. He probably already knows this – my guess is he wouldn’t have proposed if he didn’t – but it sounds like he needs some reassurance. You sound like a strong, intelligent woman and a real survivor, and you deserve to be happy!

Post # 13
Member
943 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@merewynne: aww! That is all overwhelming, for sure.

This post will be long, so I hope the read is worth it for you.

As for the issues, how about a change of perspective on some?

  • It’s his second marriage, my first… so my insecure self is battling with being “sloppy seconds” and living in the shadow of my ex-wife-in-law.

Hey! He’s learned a lot of lessons, you now get the v2.0, with all the bugs worked out! Enjoy being the wife the ex gets to envy, who gets the hubby who fights fair, picks up his wet towels, puts the seat down…(hopefully!)

  • He wants to marry me (he says), but he’s already “been there done that” and thinks weddings are just a pain in the butt.

 

  • He fears that this will be a huge spectacle with enormous meringue dresses and bouffant hairdos… so does not fit my tom-boy style! I even hate getting manicures.

To answer both of these, You say you are a tom-boy…you get to skip the frou-frou wedding and have an awesome, low key event just to your liking! No pressure about the big to-do!

  • My father is going through terminal cancer.

For this, I am truly sorry. Please take as much time as you can to enjoy the days with him, I am sure he is very happy to see you happy at last.

  • His grandmother continues to call me the ex’s name.

Irritating, but hopefully it will subside in time–she’s older, probably a bit forgetful…maybe either gentle reminders, or just deal with it. I’ll bet if you give her a few cards to brighten her day, maybe with a little bouquet, seeing the name in print will help reinforce your name.

  • His colleagues confused me with his ex.

Again, sucky but this will subside with time. Maybe make a joke if it happens often, like putting on a “Hi, My Name Is…” sticker. I’ll bet they won’t forget again! Or give them help, like if your name is Robin, say, “oh, sorry–you mixed me up with Jane, I’m Robin–you know, like the bird”.

My wedding date was unintentionally hijacked… by a dear friend 10 years younger than me!

You say you didn’t choose a date, I guess this is why? Now you can decide on a date with a great meaning, maybe the proposal anniversary or another special day.

  • My mother blew the surprise before my boyfriend had a chance to propose.

 

  • My mother announced my engagement to her friends and our family before I even got home.

For both of these, you’re lucky! Your mom was SO excited, she couldn’t contain herself! Many brides are sad because no one cares about their wedding.

  • I am constantly excluded by his children. It’s a proven fact, not an impression.

Tough one. This takes time. Just keep on easing into the situation, I’ll bet they will come around sooner rather than later.

  • He wants his kids to be at the destination wedding… now I can feel excluded at my own weddingmoon!

Don’t look at it as excluded! Look at this as a fantastic opportunity to help the issue above resolve itself…what’s more awesome than a cool family vacation!? If you make the kids feel included, it will go a LONG way towards them including you. You will have plenty of alone time, just make sure you reserve babysitters onsite or sign the kids up for the camp/activities they provide where you’re going.

  • His sister already told me (at her 2nd bachelorette party) that I’m an old maid because I’m 40 with no kids and never been married.

40 is the new 20! I’m 44, and so is DH–and this was his first wedding. He was smart, like you–waited for the right one to come along, your (and his) true love…you’re set now and didn’t have to go through the pain of divorce. You’re a smart cookie–let them know it! Say, “I’m not an old maid, I simply waited for the right man…he was worth the wait!”.

  • My mother told me I better hurry up because I’m getting old.

Again, 40 is 20…remind mom that and tell her you’re well on your way to your happily ever after and don’t want to rush through the one and only time you’re going to be engaged.

  • Not that it’s a competition, but I will be the last of all of my friends to get married – even those I used to babysit.

As an encore bride who made a huge mistake getting married at 20, and now remarried at 44–let me tell you it was AWESOME comparatively! Bein “last” for Darling Husband was great too, all our friends got married between 8-15 years ago and were DYING for a good wedding, we weren’t lost in the shuffle of all our 20/early 30-something friends scheduling their weddings on top of each other. People were SO excited to come to ours and truly enjoyed our wedding, still talking about it. It will set you apart!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I hardly EVER forward or read forwarded emails–but I happened to open this one the other day and loved it:

There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and noticed she had only three hairs on her head. Well,” she said, “I think I’ll braid my hair today?” So she did and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head “H-M-M,” she said, “I think I’ll part my hair down the middle today?” So she did and she had a grand day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head.”Well,” she said, “today I’m going to wear my hair in a pony tail.” So she did and she had a fun, fun day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn’t a single hair on her head. “YEA!” she exclaimed, “I don’t have to fix my hair today!”

Attitude is everything.Be kinder than necessary,for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.Live simply,Love generously,Care deeply,Speak kindly…….Leave the rest to GodLife isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass… It’s about learning to dance in the rain.

Post # 14
Member
943 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

^^^sorry for that messy post…Bee REALLY needs to get a better editing facet to the site!

also, I see another Bee broke it down like that too…great minds LOL

Post # 15
Member
9548 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Warning – I  haven’t read all the responces. I’m not going to address everything but there were a few points that jumped out at me

First, I’m sorry things are rough right now. And have been in the past. I think it can seem that everyone else is just overwhelmed with joy durin the wedding planning process. And that’s just a myth. Life is life. And it’s harder when you have clinical depression. Don’t don’t expect everything to turn to roses because you’re engaged.  There are great things but it’s also stressful. So don’t feel too bad if you’re not turning cartwheels

Second it makes me kind of conderned that you’re still referring to his childrern as distinctly “his children” and not “our children”. You’re marrying this man. That makes you a step mom. And it’s not an easy transition. So you should start ASAP. I”m not  surprised it’s hard with his kids, that’s not uncommon with integrated families. But I absolutely think those kids have to be at the wedding. In fact, they should be a part of the wedding. Weddings are about creating and formalizing families. They are going to be your family.

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