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posted 5 years ago in Money
Post # 3
Member
5221 posts
Bee Keeper

@AquaGrey8962:  I can understand being angry and hurt- but I think it is a big jump to thinking they think less of you and favor your sister because of a wedding budget.

-10 years ago A LOT of people were in different places financially. It is possible that they had to dip into their savings too much to not be able to give you much of anything. Unless your parents just roll out their bank statements for you to review, there’s no way of knowing where they are financially.

– It may not be a popular opinion, but if you’re old enough to get married… you’re old enough to fund it yourselves. It sucks. They ponied up for hers and not yours. However; YOU ( and your FI) are ultimately responsible for funding the wedding if you have a vision in mind. If, down the road, your parents can and do contribute, then it is just the extra cherry on top.

-If you truly feel like you’ve been favored less by your parents, I would talk with them about it and leave the wedding out of the conversation. I am not saying they DON’T favor your sister more, but if you really think that it is so one-sided, leave wedding talk out and sit with them face to face and let them know what you’re feeling.

Post # 5
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

@Mrs_Amanda:  +1 you beat me too

Only that … you JUST got engaged YESTERDAY .. ENJOY it for a few days before you go taking on all the family dysfunctions, you have plenty of time for that.  CONGRATS on  getting engaged!

Post # 7
Member
9056 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

I was going to say something along the same lines.  10 years is a long time for circumstances to change. 

10 years ago, I started university and my dad was unemployed.  I paid my way through university working full time graveyard shifts as a security guard.  My sister’s only 4 years younger than me, but took a year off to work, then went to Australia for a year’s vacation, then started university 6 years after me.  Circumstances had changed and they were able/willing to pay for her education/expenses.  I really never read into it as them loving her more, or feel like they should cut me a cheque too retrospectively.

A lot people took a big financial hit when the economy tanked.  So, it may really just be an issue of their current position.  They probably spent that money on her, because they figured like a lot of people that they’d just make more later.  Long term financial planning is not a strength for a lot of people.

I agree with the PP if you really feel like they favour her in general, you should have that discussion outside of the context of the wedding.

Post # 8
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@Mrs_Amanda:  @Hyperventilate:  

You know what, I disagree with this. I think it’s a dick move for the parents to completely cover one child’s wedding and not contribute at all to the wedding of the other. I agree that if you’re old enough to get married, you should be able to finance the wedding on your own, and that parents don’t owe you money BUT I also think the parents are jackasses for creating this expectation and treating their children differently. I think it’s less about the money than the fact that they are obviously being treated differently… it’s just in this instance the being-treated-differently happens to involve money.

OP, your parents are dicks. Go to counseling and learn to deal with it, because it doesn’t look like they’re going to be getting any better.

Post # 9
Hostess
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

Congrats on getting engaged! I agree with the above posters that you should have the wedding you and your Fiance can afford. However, coming from a 2 child home, I understand the need for equal treatment. It sounds like this isn’t really about wedding money but more about the treatment. I would wait a few weeks, gather your thoughts and then talk to your parents again. Tell them that you feel like you’re being treated differently and see what they say. 

Post # 10
Member
5221 posts
Bee Keeper

@distracts:  I didn’t say it wasn’t a shitty move on their part, but for her to be nearing 30, engaged and still feeling like her parents shafted her in this is just…. irrelevant at this point. If your mom has been absent, uninterested or shown favoritism then fine, address THAT point. I think the wedding budget is completely and totally the non issue in this and it more about the parent- child relationship, or lack thereof.

Post # 11
Member
9082 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

@distracts:  “I think it’s a dick move for the parents to completely cover one child’s wedding and not contribute at all to the wedding of the other.” and “and that parents don’t owe you money”

These two points do not go together. You can have one, or the other. Not both.

It’s either a dick move because her parents owe her something, or it’s not a dick move and her parents don’t owe her anything.

Now, I’m not saying she can’t be upset. If I was in her position, I’d probably be sad, too. But when my husband and I got married, we had no expectations from our families. When his sister was engaged, his parents were going to pay for everything. They had everything all planned out right until his sister’s fiance called off the wedding.

I didn’t, nor did he, turn and cast a glance towards his parents and go, “Well?”

We’ll have to agree to disagree.

@Mrs_Amanda said everything much better than I could. This goes so far beyond parents owing anyone anything.

 

Post # 13
Member
1514 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@AquaGrey8962:  I agree with Mrs_Amanda.  I wouldn’t put so much stock into the fact that they saved for your sister’s wedding but not yours.

There may be some other issues here that have not been touched in the original post … And if that’s the case, I’d definitely try to talk to them.  You need to talk openly and honestly about how you feel.  Use specific examples, but don’t make the entire conversation revolve around the wedding budget.

And I hate to agree with Mrs_Amanda on this as well (but I have to!) … If you want a wedding and your parents can’t help you out, you and your fiance are responsible for coming up with the funds.  Is it fair?  No.  I know there are tons of people out there who don’t have to spend a dime on their weddings, but that’s not possible for everyone.  And I speak from experience … My fiance and I are paying for everything ourselves.  We’re also “older” (I’m 28 and he’s 30), we have good, stable jobs that pay relatively well (we’re not rich by any means, but we’re able to live comfortably), and we’ve been on our own for years.  Neither of us expected any help from our parents.  If they decide to give us a little money as a gift or something, that’s awesome!  But we definitely don’t expect anything.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t feel this way.  Again, I don’t know all of the details of your situation.  I think you’ll feel a lot better if you talk to your parents about your feelings regarding your sister.  And I know it may be hard, but try to enjoy planning a wedding that you and your fiance can afford.  You mentioned you have relatively simple tastes, so I’m sure you can come up with something fantastic on a budget you’re both comfortable with.

ETA: I just saw some of your other comments.  I really think you need to talk with them if at all possible, and if they’re unwilling to listen to you about your feelings, it might be a good idea to talk to a therapist.  You shouldn’t have to bottle up your feelings.  I still think the wedding budget isn’t the true issue here, though, and wouldn’t focus on this during your conversation with your parents.  If you want to use it as one example, that’s fine … But I wouldn’t dwell on it since it sounds as though there are a lot of other things going on with your parents.

Post # 14
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@Hyperventilate:  I don’t think children in general are owed money by their parents but I DO think they are owed equal treatment. If a considerable portion of that treatment involves giving money, then money is involved because money is irreplaceable with intangibles, so they can say they are loving them the same all they want but in very material ways they ARE being treated differently, which makes it about the money. But that is not an expectation inherent in OP but rather created by the parents through the way they relate to their children. And OP’s parents set up the expectation, whether intended or not, that they’d completely cover the cost of the wedding (if they didn’t want that expectation, they should have either not paid for the sister’s or made it clear at the time that they would be evaluating weddings on a case-by-case basis, and weren’t just paying because it’s their daughter and that is what’s done, which, like it or not, is pretty much the cultural norm).

Post # 15
Member
9082 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

@distracts:  What if her parents literally can’t afford it? Are they supposed to take out loans in order for equal treatment?

Post # 16
Member
649 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I am usually of the mind set that your parents aren’t obligated to pay for a wedding, but to pay for one sibling’s entire wedding and not contribute to their other child’s wedding is an asshole move. I would be hurt and pissed too. Treating your children so vastly different and obviously favoring one over the other can be very detrimental to the neglected child. 

 

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