Post # 1
Deleting my OP just because there are a lot of really specific things in it I’m not comfortable with leaving up here forever (although some of them have worked their way into the comments).
Thank you guys for the advice, I needed the reality check and I know what I need to do. I appreciate the sounding board.
Post # 3
Well obviously you should stop any flirting with X. If you can’t keep a strictly professional relationship with him, you may need to look for a new job.
Post # 4
Well, I definiely think that although X seems to have good qualities that your Darling Husband doesn’t, I’m sure your Darling Husband has many that X doesn’t either. You have a firting relationship, maybe even friendly, but you don’t really know him that well, that’s the thing about crushs. I think you need to start looking elsewhere for a job, or let X know that your relationship has to remain completley professional.
Post # 5
Look for a new job. Keep X as far away as you can. Don’t put yourself in that situation ever again with ANY man. Once you are away you need to determine if X is the problem or the problem is within your marriage itself.
Post # 6
If you are wondering if you made a mistake marrying your husband don’t use X as a factor in that. If your marriage isn’t right then you need to decide that and move on.
You cannot use X to explore that before it is over. If you are missing things from your marriage address those issues with your Darling Husband. If he still doesn’t give you what you need then yes, you need to end it and start with someone who does.
You are comparing X to Darling Husband which means your missing something in your marriage.
Post # 7
Yikes. You need to do some long, hard thinking. I have been where you are but never felt that way in the 6 years I’ve been with Fiance. I have been there with other guys that I dated, though. I usually found that it was me looking for some new spark when the comfortable relationship I was in seemed to have fizzled. What you have to figure out is if what you’re feeling with X is exciting you just because it is new and different, which usually also means that it’s fleeting. On the other hand, it could legitimately point to something lacking in your marriage. I’m sorry you’re going through this – it’s not a fun place to be.
Post # 8
I know you guys are right, posting and reading the advice I’ve gotten so far is kind of bringing me down to the reality of the situation. Darling Husband and I had talked about me looking for a new job soon anywaysbecause the commute is pretty extreme. I guess it’s time to start taking the job hunt more seriously. That is difficult in the area we live in (fairly rural) but I need to start trying my hardest.
As far as whether the problem is stemming from completely X or my relationship too…that’s going to be a longer process of really looking at my relationship and trying to get Darling Husband to understand my needs that aren’t really being fulfilled. The sexual part of our relationship is great, but I need more dialogue and (non-sexual) affection.
I appreciate the honest advice.
I am probably going to edit the original post soon, not because I haven’t gotten good answers but because it’s just not info I want to stay out there on the web considering some of the details I’ve gotten into.
Post # 9
I find it weird that you do not label the bit where you ended up cuddling as a mistake.
The idea that someone who is your boss would come into bed with you and “cuddle” with you when he knows you are married (and also seems to know your husband) is someone who is not treating you right. I would not want my husband to be more like him.
I get that you still want to see yourself as attractive in the sense of a guy pursuing you.
I think you should be honest with your husband about your attraction to this guy. I also think you should take a hard look at yourself about what you are getting out of this.
Post # 10
@GreenDream: I find it weird that you do not label the bit where you ended up cuddling as a mistake.
I did…that would be the part in caps about the big huge mistake. And I know, the whole thing is pretty skeezy and I feel super shitty about it. X tends to be an affectionate drunk in general but obviously this crossed the line and we were both completely wrong.
Post # 11
Good luck! I hope it all turns out! I agree that you need to stop flirting with X. You obviously know this though as you said it yourself. Remember the reasons you married your husband……Crushes are fun because there is no commitment, no responsibility. That all ends though, and you don’t want to lose a great thing for a one time fling or an affair.
Post # 12
Wasn’t there another girl passed out in his bed, and that’s why he was on the couch in the first place? What happened to her???? I am completely confused. Also, drunk or sober, things shouldn’t have been allowed to get to this level.
Find a new job. Like, yesterday. And stop flirting, even “innocent” flirting, with your boss immediately. You have to work with him, but minimize your contact wth him, especially outside fo work.
Then, suggest your Darling Husband sees a counselor with you. At a bare minimum, you both need to read “The Five Love Languages” so you can both understand how to meet each other’s emotional needs, (there is also a version written for men, but I am not familiar with it).
Post # 13
I feel like this is some sort of anthropological mechanism…we find our mates and settle down, then get all excited over these crush type guys because subconsciously we know that our needs are being met. I’ve been there with the heavy duty flirting, and although this sounds messed up I want to commend you for not letting the spooning go any further. BUT – the qualities that you admire in X aren’t valid, because he has one huge shitty quality that can’t be overlooked: he tried to less around with a married woman!
I honestly feel like everyone is going to have crushes, and I think that’s okay as long as you can let little crushes be and not evolve into anything that might be construed as interest by the other party. Idk this is all kind of nonsensical and rambling but what I’m getting as is that I think you should explore counseling to get yourself over this and to stop beating yourself up, and move on knowing that you’re committed to your husband and you’re a great wife. Good luck!
Post # 14
Okay, you’re at least owning up to the fact that you’ve gotten yourself into a huge mess. I can respect that.
#1) I don’t care how attentive or affectionate X is. He became physically intimate with a married woman in a (I’m assuming) monogamous relationship, aka you. You can decorate and spray perfume on s**t, but it’s still s**t.
#2) You say your husband is a good man. Have you ever told him that you need him to be more affectionate or a better listener? Good men usually step up to the plate when they know there is a problem. If you haven’t told him you have a problem with the relationship, comparing him to X is flat out wrong. If you have told him, and he refuses to change, then you need to decide if you can live with that.
#3) Agree with @redheadem. If you decide to stay with your husband, then you might need to find a new job. Things have become not only physical, but from the sounds of it, emotional as well. That is a bad combination when you’re spending so much time around X.
I think you know what you need to do. I’m not going to say it’s just a crush, or that what you’re feeling isn’t valid. Feeling something is okay, acting on it is not, and continuing to put yourself into a fire is just going to continue to burn you. Good luck with whatever you decide, and keep us updated.
Post # 15
Take a step back and consider what your boss did. One of the PP’s mentioned it. He was willing to get frisky with a) his subordinate and b) a married woman.
Sounds like a really standup guy.
If I were you, I would put in my two weeks notice at my job if it meant sterring clear of temptation. Unless it meant that you would be in dire financial straits, I suggest you do the same.
Your husband sounds like a decent man and while I have no idea what could possibly have posessed you to do this to him, I doubt he deserved it.
If it had been the other way around and it was you telling us about what your husband had done, we would have urged you to leave him. Think of it that way.
I hope you figure all of this out, more for your poor husband’s sake than your own.
Post # 16
@GreenDream: Right? How unprofessional is it for a boss to get drunk with his employees and let them crash at his house??
Stop hanging out with your boss. If you end up keeping the same job (which you probably shouldn’t,) at least don’t drink around this guy!
I’ve experienced a less extreme version of where you are now, while I was with my husband (then boyfriend.)
I developed a crush on a coworker who I flirted with and hung out with inappropriately. Nothing physical ever happened, but it crossed a line nonetheless. I was not happy in my relationship at the time. I eventually told my boyfriend about it when we were discussing how things were not going that great generally. He was obviously upset, but he recognized how it could have happened.
Once I told him, the crush lost its luster. I started seeing the faults in my coworker. Flirting felt horrible and not fun anymore. I quit seeing him and my boyfriend and I refocused on our relationship. That was 5 years ago and we haven’t had any trouble like that since.
I’m telling you this to emphasize that it might not mean the end of the world. And that I think you should tell your husband.