Post # 16
Tinatiny1: Yes, Grandma rules with an iron fist of emotional manipulation and her weapon of choice is the guilt trip. When I do see her, which is every other month maybe? Definitely a handful of times throughout the year, I always am polite, affectionate and try my very very best to lead by example in hopes that she will see this and reciprocate. I always ask how she is doing, how is her health, if she has collected any new rocks (she has a rock collection) and I try very hard to be engaged with conversing with her. Either I or my sister and I will take her out for her favorite gellato or take her to lunch. So it’s not like…. I don’t try my best to be an active member of her life. I just don’t do it often enough to her standards.
I don’t like my grandma and the person she has shown herself to be after my dad died. I still love her though and would be estatic if she showed any warmth towards me. It’s like after papa died, we his children died with him.
She does not speak about him. And when I do bring him up (because I feel like I am the only one still raising a flag for him) it is uncomfortable and awkward as she does not participate in the memories I am sharing.
Thank you so much for your questions and I apologize for the long response. I think it’s pretty unanimous what I should be doing in this case.
Post # 17
Part of being an adult is understanding that not everyone will have the same reactions that you have to news you find exciting.
It is true that your family sounds like they don’t support you. But why do you think this event,annoucing your engagement, is any different that with previous life events? Again, the adult path may be to disengage from them, rather then to continue to try to cooerce them into showing the reaction you think is appropriate.
It does sounds as if you are doing everything that is reasonable in maintianing polite contact, and good for you. I’m sorry that your family is crappy toward you and you are right that it’s NOT normal to ignore announcmenet of an engagement. But they are not normal.
Post # 18
im sorry this happened to you. They sound awful! I would leave it as well – they aren’t worth it!
Post # 18
If I werein your position I wouldnt bother telling them again, they already showed they dont care. I would probably also cut off contact with them and focus on the people in your life who do care about you.
Post # 19
Gawd, I hope you aren’t planning on inviting these people to your wedding. Listen to your gut, there is a reason why you don’t like going there, why you sweat and dread your visit, even if it is once a year. Don’t be treated like a doormat. You can’t force a relationship where they really don’t want one, or only on their convenience. And like PP, I wouldn’t share the news again. They had one shot to be excited, and to treat your news with importance and value, and they blew it. I wouldn’t give them another kick at the can as it were, you deserve people to be happy for you, those who genuinely love and support you and are excited for you. ps: congrats to your happy news!! 🙂
Post # 20
nautilusl2: I agree, based on your response, that she is pretty toxic. its a shame,obviously you wanted a connection to your papa. I’m so sorry bee. Best of luck to you, you deserve to feel happy, not ignored and slighted.
Post # 21
My step family made me feel very much like your family when I got engaged. They never really gave a shit about me since I was little and they were my family but I was definitely not theirs.
When I got engaged I told my aunt through text and the rest had to figure it out. They were not included in any wedding planning and I reluctantly invited them to my bridal shower, they were there for 30 minutes, ate and left. I then had 70 other guests asking me where my family was. So embarrassing.
I didn’t bother to invite them to our henna party 2 nights before the wedding. And on my wedding day they left after they ate the appetizers, they didn’t even stay for the main dishes, leaving one of the best tables of the Hall empty for the rest of the night.
I thank God every day I had a massive wedding and didn’t even have to see them for the short period of time they were there. They were a sorry ass excuse for a family and from that day on I swore I’d never see them again.
In other words, do what you wanna do, include them in as little as possible and that’s it, you worry about yourself and your Fiance
Post # 22
Both of my parents have passed away so I feel ya. I’m an only child and my dad was too, so I’m their only grandchild. They have not had anything to do with me in the past almost 7 years since my dad passed away when I was 16. My grandmother watched me get into a wreck and never asked if I was okay, she just walked circles around me and the cops while they towed my car away. I freak out when I see her and get so stressed, but I could not have her in my life. She’s a lot like your family, maybe we’re related lol, but my life is so much better when I don’t have anything to do with them. Honestly, if I were you, I would distance myself from these people. They seem very toxic. I promise when you stop trying to gain their approval and ignore them, you will be happier. Celebrate with the people who are happy for you and don’t worry about the ones who are not, even if they’re family.
Post # 23
nautilusl2: Nope, just leave it alone. When we told my Mother-In-Law we were engaged, her expression was very blank, she wasn’t happy at all. No joy or whatever. And she was doing nothing. So these are the type of people that really just don’t care (they’ve shown it to you in how they reacted to your engagement.) I would leave it alone, and bask in the glow of other’s happiness for you.
Post # 25
nautilusl2: My question to you is this: Should I try to tell these people again and try to do it in a better mood? <br /><br />
No, no, no! It won’t end well. Let it go. They are miserable people and you’ll get nowhere.
Turn your energies toward more positive people.
Hugs to you!
Post # 26
There was NOTHING wrong with your announcement and everything wrong with your audience.
I wouldn’t make any attempt to acquaint them with your feelings, because I think your feelings shouldn’t be wasted on them. If YOU want to, send them Save-The-Date Cards, and invite them, but don’t count on them showing up and be sure you invite some nice people who really care about you and want to be there when they send their “regrets”.
I hope you have the best, most beautiful wedding EVER!
Post # 27
Just leave it. They don’t deserve you, or to share in your celebrations. to be honest I would have cut them out of my life by now.
Congratulations on the engagement! I hope you and the people you care about can celebrate to make up for your horrid family.
Post # 28
nautilusl2: do we have the same family? My father passed away when i was 13. And like you, I have an Uncle who refuses to acknowledge my existence. I have zero tolerance for people like that, so I have cut them out completely. Were not invited to my wedding. My grandmother passed away a few years ago and I have found out a lot of thigs that have actually made me dislike her which is sad bc shes passed. Its terrible to find out information that changes your perception after they have passed. I also have cousins who i dont speak to.
i have cut out alot of my family, my fathers side basically, out of my life. Bc they are all douchebags. They think they are Gods gift to the world and treat people like scum. The only people from my fathers side of the family who was invited to my wedding ajd is still somewhat in my life is my aunt, his oldest sister. Shes the only one with a brain. I dont trust her 100% but again, shes cordial, has a brain and cares, somewhat.
Post # 29
Wait, so why do you even bother with these people?
Just because someone is related to you doesn’t mean you are obligated to maintain contact with them. These sound like awful, self-centered people who don’t care about you and are trying to put you down at every possible opportunity. Their reaction to their engagement announcement is just another example of how they are trying to belittle you.
Seriously, just cut them off. They don’t deserve another second of your time. And definitely don’t waste your money on inviting any of them to the wedding, just to make you feel bad on you and your fiance’s special day.
Your mom and sister will most likely try to guilt you for cutting off contact with them, but that’s where you have to stand up for yourself.
Post # 30
So sorry you had to experience this but to answer your question, no, don’t do it again. What for? They clearly didn’t care the first time, why would they care a second time? You would just be leaving yourself open for more criticism. They would just say something like, “We heard you the first time, why are you repeating yourself? Stop being so self-centred”.
Just out of curiosity, did your sister stick up for you at all? If one of my sisters were in that situation and the conversation switched to me, I would stop them in their tracks and say, “Did you hear her? She’s engaged, my school stuff can wait. How exciting is their news?!”