(Closed) annoyed by black tie…

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 33
Member
3060 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@crayfish:  I would be very excited to attend a black tie wedding!

Post # 34
Member
492 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I am hosting a black tie wedding myself.  Cost is 250$ a head average.  So I am in agreeance with @MrsWBS in that my event calls for formal attire.  If your friend was having a backyard BBQ, then I’d be wondering a little bit.

I agree with most of the other commenters though, no need to overreact.

Post # 35
Member
1490 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I think “black tie” is tuxedos, whereas “black tie optional” is dark suits and tuxedos.

But…unless the Tux Police is going to be walking around at the wedding, I think its fine to wear a black suit jacket if its that big of an issue.

Post # 36
Member
3060 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Come on, someone invite me to their black tie wedding! I want to dress up! 🙂

Post # 37
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’ve attended a few black tie events/weddings and quite honestly I would have felt underdressed for many of them if I was in anything less even without the requirement. Some events require it because the event really IS that fancy! Now if the wedding is at a VFW hall and they’re serving hot wings and beer I think the black tie might be a little much but that’s because it wouldn’t fit the vibe.

Post # 38
Member
9168 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Linz1231:  haha If my mother would let me have a say over the guest list I’d throw you an extra invite! 😉

Post # 39
Member
1351 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

My wedding was black tie optional and we got nothing but excited responses. People kept commenting that they looked forward to a formal night out. 

This type of dress is not unusual in my family and friends circle and it was a fabulous party and I really enjoyed the level of formality.

Post # 40
Member
1064 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@honie309:  Agree with you and who you were agreeing with lol.

I’m no princess but our venue was quite formal and in the evening. An evening wedding usually connotes that it will be a formal event, but just in case (after reading a few websites about it) I decided to write “black tie” simply so no one showed up in khakis and felt uncomfortable. I knew many would show up in black suits but that was fine with me. In fact, I bet you I cut down on the “what do I wear?” questions by actually addressing the dress code on the invitation.

I’m in the group of people who think black tie events are exciting. If I didn’t and was not close to the bride or groom, I would just elect not to go.

Post # 41
Member
7439 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I agree with the others… the Bride & Groom get to decide what kind of event they want to have (or whomever is playing Host… such as the Parents?)

As stated some do it because it is part of their normal social circle, others because of the venue they’ve selected, and still others because they just plain want something formal and more special than what they’ve been to in the past (thinking here about Brides who spend $ 1,000 – $ 2,000 – $ 5,000 – or even $ 10,000 or more on their outfits !!)

Lol, if I can dress up… well hopefully some of my Guests can make a bit of effort as well.

Back in the 1980s when I got married the first time, we went formal… because of reasons 2 and 3 (Venue my Parents chose – and we wanted something that was more “special” for the two of us)

I remember researching venues back then… and as an only child, my Parents were determined they would have a great venue for my Reception (a well known Golf & Country Club)… and the meal etc was going to be very expensive.  Hubby-2-B and I were both University educated, and were spending a fair bit on our Wedding as well… and he had a military background… so we wanted somthing more “special” than the many Cocktail Parties, Mess Dinners and other Work Related Events we were accustomed to attending (Semi Formal Dress Code… cocktail dresses, suit & tie were the dirigeur at those events)

In the end the men wore Cutaway Jackets with the traditional Striped Trousers (aka Morning Suit), Pearl Grey Vest, White Pleated Shirt with Wingtip Collar and a Striped Ascot.  I had a fairly expensive wedding dress with elaborate lace and beading, and my Bridesmaids were all in long gowns… as was my Mom, his Mom, and extended family members.  Guests came in what was then considered the “norm” for Wedding Attire (afterall it was the 1980s)… Ladies in long gowns or fancy cocktail dresses, men in suits (mostly dark colours)

The above definition as per Peggy Post’s *Wedding Etiquette* book would fit the category of Formal Daytime.

Also as per Peggy Post.. Formal Evening would be pretty much the same as Formal Daytime, with the following exceptions…

1- Groom and Wedding Party Men would wear a Black Tailcoat and Trousers (aka a Tuxedo) with a White Vest, White Pleated Shirt with Wingtip Collar and a White Bow Tie.

2- Women (including Bridesmaids, MOB, MOG, and Guests) – Long Gowns or Short Cocktail Dresses, as per the local custom

3- Men Guests – If the women are wearing long gowns, then a Tuxedo should be worn.  If though they are opting for short dresses, then a Dark Suit is appropriate.

I “somewhat” get the whole… HOW COME … DO I HAVE TO comments.  But really it is ONE DAY OUT OF YOUR LIFE.  And actually, it can be a ton of fun to once in awhile go all out and get dressed up (especially so as such affairs tend to be ADULT Affairs… and well it is super sexy to do something this cool when you are in a relationship IMO… be you the B&G, a member of the Bridal Party, Family or Friend… no matter what you age… you may find your Partner is quite enamoured by the whole thing when they look at you… and you at him)

As for costing…

IF a man doesn’t own an appropriate dark suit… then a Tuxedo rental is going to run them around $ 100 to $ 150 (maybe a bit more in some places).

Personally, Mr TTR and I went on a cruise last year that had 2 formal evenings… and we wanted to attend so we needed to outfit him appropriately… we looked at renting, but in the end we just purchased (lots of inexpensive ways to do that… on-line, department stores, rental places selling stock)… we figured it was the right thing to do in that we calculated that with just 2 rentals we could have bought a Tuxedo and all the trimmings.  So a purchase that we will no doubt get way more benefit from as we will be cruising again in the future.

 

Post # 42
Member
7111 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

It is annoying to have to buy something especially for a wedding if that is out of your norm, but I have to say that I think this bride is well within her rights. If it bugs you that much, decline. Otherwise I would have your guy call and politely ask if a dark suit would be okay (which I’m pretty sure will be fine).

Post # 43
Member
831 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

OP, is this a truly black tie event?  Black tie means seated multi-course meal with white glove service, full open bar with top shelf liquor, real band throughout, etc.  Its an actual event type, not just a request for people to dress up.

If it were truly a black tie event I wouldn’t mind that Fiance wear his tux (or rent/buy one if he needed one) but if I got to the wedding and it wasn’t black tie, then you can bet I’d be annoyed.

Also, black-tie optional is misleading.  Black tie is always optional for a wedding, meaning you don’t have to wear it.  But black tie optional also technically means that Uncle Fred can roll in wearing his khakis and his hawaiian shirt.

Post # 44
Member
2604 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@EricaBee:  It’s just another symptom of the “I’m a special bridal princess exerting control” that drives me nuts. Yes, it’s your special day – but why make everyone dress up to a level that makes no sense for your daily life?


But it’s not daily life. It’s a special event.

I don’t see it as any different than if they were having a beach or backyard BBQ reception and specified causal attire. It’s not about control, it’s about the formality of the attire matching the formality of the venue.

Post # 45
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I always thought “black tie only” means men wear tuxes and women wear long dresses.

I can relate to why the OP is annoyed by this.  To me it’s kind of like the same sort of faux pas as having registry info on the invitation.  First it kind of feels out of place to be told what to wear on the formal invitation.  But also I hate being told HOW to dress.  What if I have a gorgeous formal cocktail dress that I want to wear?  Then it might not look right next to my husband’s tux. 

I agree with other posters to ask the bride what she means by “black tie only”.  Maybe this bride isn’t so stringent.

Post # 46
Member
831 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@HelpfulMarriedGirl:  The only event where attire information belongs on a wedding invitation is a black tie event.  You are right though, in all other situations, the formality of the event can be guaged by the formality of the invitation, and attire suggestions are inappropriate.

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