(Closed) annoyed by black tie…

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 62
Member
3457 posts
Sugar bee

I agree with PPs that this is the couple’s day and they are allowed to dictate the type of party it is. The annoying part to me is that often the couples themselves have no idea what they want. A couple posters have already mentioned saying their event is “black tie” and merely hopes men come in dark business attire. That is not “black tie” and only serves to confuse the matter all the more.

OP, what is the venue of this event? If it’s a five-star hotel’s grand ballroom, then “black tie” probably means black tie. Since yours and the bride’s social circle do not often have black-tie events, I’m sure you can just call her up and ask.

Post # 63
Member
3631 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Call me crazy but the only difference in the “tuxes” most of the guys I have seen and a formal black suit is the little satin stripe down the side. And really, is there going to be someone standing at the door checking for tux versus a suit?

Personally, DH doesn’t own a tux, has very little reason to own a tux and if any of our friends have a black tie wedding, (ha!) then unless he is in the party, we aren’t paying $150 for an outfit to wear once. If the bride wants to go into panic mode because he wore a black suit instead of a tux, well, she can get over herself. It isn’t like he is wearing cut off jean shorts and flip flops. No one will notice, anyone who does can move on with their life. 

Post # 64
Member
3457 posts
Sugar bee

@chasesgirl:  Tuxes have no vents in the back, satin covered buttons, a peak or shawl lapel, no belt loops on the pants and some kind of stomach covering. They are also generally cut narrower than a business suit– completely different creatures.

Post # 65
Member
2623 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

We are having a black tie weddng and I don’t feel we are being unreasonable. If anyone is going to be complaining about it, as far as I’m concerned they can stay home. Am I going to be pissed if a guy shows up in a dark suit? No, however I appreciate if they attempt to follow the dress code. I also find it interesting how much people loath dressing up these days. 

Post # 66
Member
3631 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@SoupyCat:  Hm. Well, personally, NEVER gonna remember what the button covers on a guest at my wedding were. So still, not an issue I think. If the choice is “come in a suit” or “don’t come because we can’t afford it” I sure hope my friends would realize while yes, there is a wedding “vision” that it is MUCH more important that people I love and care about are at the wedding than if their lapels are wrong. 

Post # 67
Member
3457 posts
Sugar bee

@chasesgirl:  I agree that the hosts probably won’t mind, which is why the OP should call her and ask. I’m just pointing out that tuxes and black business suits are very different, more than just a satin stripe down the side.

Post # 68
Member
2523 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Its fine to say a man could wear a black suit, but not every man has one of those either!

Post # 69
Member
2623 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I would think wearing a suit to a wedding is standard unless it’s a backyard bbq or something.

Post # 70
Member
974 posts
Busy bee

@TwoCityBride:  I agree. I would love to be invited to a black tie event! I have so little reason to truly dress up these days (with the exception of my own upcoming wedding). There is always the option of declining…so, in my opinion, being annoyed by it seems kind of silly (no offense to anyone who feels that way)! Wear a tux/dark suit or just don’t go – easy peasy!

Post # 71
Member
3274 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

@bride8675:  All the men in my family own a tux (called a dinner jacket in the UK). And I own a couple of below the knee or floorlength formal dresses. So it’s not really a big deal for us.

I think the couple can choose the dress code, and I don’t think it’s rude.  I would hate to not have a dresscode then turn up in inappropriate attire.

People who don’t have a tux and you can’t afford or be bothered to rent one, will surely have something in their wardrobe, even if it’s a dark lounge suit. But ask first. You can even buy a cheap tux for around £120 here (about $180).

I wanted to add: at risk of looking like a waiter you should try to wear a tux/DJ.

Post # 72
Member
5229 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

As long as the wedding is appropriate for black tie, I’d just deal with it and be excited for a really posh affair with amazing food and fantastic entertainment.

Post # 73
Member
3274 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

@futuremrsfitz18:  I agree. I went to a black tie event and it turned out to be more “suits and sparkles” some people weren’t even wearing a suit jacket!!  And some of the dresses were well above acceptable length for black tie.

Post # 74
Member
95 posts
Worker bee

I think a black tie wedding is a great excuse to get dressed up and enjoy a night out!

I don’t give less of a gift if I have to get a hotel room for the wedding, and I often buy myself a new dress, why would renting a tux be any different?

Post # 75
Member
9168 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@SoupyCat:  My event is black tie and while I expect all to come in tuxes, what I am saying is if someone came in a black suit (because they couldn’t afford a tux rental) I would certainley not turn them away nor would I probably notice.  It has nothing to do with me trying to make if fancier than it is (it is in all way shapes and form an appropriate black tie event) but trying to put OP mind at ease that if she really wants to go and cannot afford the tux rental then she should go and have her fi wear a black suit with a white shirt and a black tie.

 

Also, to those saying cocktail dresses are not black tie appropriate, cocktail length dresses are in fact now considered acceptable for a black tie event.   

Post # 76
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Even though you have heard through the grapevine that suits are off the table, I would probably ask the bride, or her mother, to clarify personally. Ladyartichoke is absolutely right above, I have attended several events that were advertised as black tie…and there were lots of suits and lots of cocktail dresses. No one was escorted out by security and no one was glaring at them from the head table. I’m not saying that it is acceptable to ignore the dress code for an event, but clarification is a good thing. My own wedding is going to be pretty formal, but I would be perfectly happy to see our friends there in dark suits and cocktail dresses rather than not at all!

I guess my feeling on true black tie only events is that if we, as guests, are going to rent/buy tuxes and gowns, the event needs to live up to the invitation. Black tie events include formal plated dinners, live music, open bars and an actual formal venue. They are very expensive events to host and I think it is reasonable to ask guests to wear formalwear. I would never ask my guests to dress to that level for a buffett wedding at the beach or the local church hall. But, it’s all personal preference and knowing your friends, I suppose. 

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