(Closed) annoyed by black tie…

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 77
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I’m in agreement with most others too…its what the couple wants. I would only be annoyed if it made no sense to have a black tie event-for example, here in Northern Maine where there are zero formal ballrooms. And then if I was annoyed, I just wouldn’t go….save the money on the tux rental and feed a starving child in a 3rd world country for a year. (And this is off topic but holy crap my jaw dropped when I read that someone was paying $350 bucks a head-weddings are fun and I’m just as excited about mine as the next bride but good grief there are way more important things in life to spend your money on!)

Post # 78
Member
9168 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Rickie86:  Yes, that’s what our wedding is costing my parents who have generously offered to pay for our wedding.  I do not have much say in the type of even they wish to throw.  I think it’s an unfair judgement for you to automatically assume that because our wedding is costing that much that we do not think there are more important things in the world, trust me there are.  While I am grateful and excited for my wedding, I could have cared less if it is a 250 person affair or just me and Fiance at a courthouse, so again would appreciate you reserve your judgement. 

Post # 79
Member
922 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I just don’t really like the idea of a bride dictating what I wear. My DH doesn’t have a tux and would be livid if I told him he needed to blow $160 on renting one. I am torn though because I LOVE dressing up since we never get a chance to, but he could just wear a nice suit instead. I understand your hesitation, OP!

Post # 80
Member
5879 posts
Bee Keeper

@Paleored:  I guess my feeling on true black tie only events is that if we, as guests, are going to rent/buy tuxes and gowns, the event needs to live up to the invitation. Black tie events include formal plated dinners, live music, open bars and an actual formal venue. They are very expensive events to host and I think it is reasonable to ask guests to wear formalwear. I would never ask my guests to dress to that level for a buffett wedding at the beach or the local church hall.

THIS!

View original reply
@Rickie86: Not cool. How you chose to spend your money on your wedding budget is subjective. I’m sure someone with a lesser budget than yours can potentially say the same about you. So please stick to the topic which is black ties, not attacking someone’s budget.

 

Post # 81
Member
2670 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

Black tie is really not seen around here very often. I would be excited for the chance to get dressed up and would have high expectations for the night.

Post # 82
Member
492 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Ok, to me this just seems like another one of those silly “first world problems” you see. It seems like a lot of people here would be “annoyed” if they got an invite to a black tie event.  That kind of seems like a silly thing to get annoyed over.  It’s an invitation, not jury duty.  Just because you received the invitation does not mean that you are not shackled and chained to buying a gift, buying a hotel room, buying new clothes, paying for gas etc…

If you see black tie and have no time to either save up the money or re-wear something you already own, then just decline the event, no need to puff up your chest and be offended! 

It’s the bride and grooms special day, and what your specific feelings are upon reading the words “black tie” are of no concern to them and it really shouldn’t be an issue. 

Post # 83
Member
64 posts
Worker bee

@futuremrsfitz18:  I like this response. If it is a true “black tie event,” then requiring black tie attire makes sense. It shouldn’t just be a request that guests dress a certain way. Unless this kind of event was for a close friend or family member, I’m pretty sure we wouldn’t go. We belong to pretty casual social circle here in Colorado where many guys don’t even have suits. But if this bride wants a black tie event, that’s her choice. Guests can choose to go or not go. 

Post # 84
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@Rickie86:  I understand your point, but surely you can see why this comment would be considered rude to some Bees. I have seen similar arguments (why spend $X on _____ rather than end world hunger, donate to animal shelters, etc.) for buying engagement rings, spending money on flowers, wedding dresses, etc. Everyone has and is entitled to their own priorities. My fiance and I are having a formal wedding. It isn’t $350 a head, but it would be considered expensive to many people. That said, we donate a considerable amount to charities and do lots of volunteer work in our community. Please don’t assume that all brides indulging in a fancy party for themselves and their loved ones are superficial and wasteful.

Post # 85
Member
9924 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Rickie86:  Wow, that’s rude, and very judgmental.  My wedding is up there in the per person cost also, and I think it’s terrible of you to judge what other people spend on the most important day of their lives.  The only person who has a right to judge my spending habits is my fiance.

Post # 86
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Paleored:  I wasn’t trying to be rude, and I wasn’t making assumptions about anybody’s character. I guess I juct can’t fathom what would make one guest cost that much money…i have about 250 wedding guests…it would take decades to be able to afford that. Sorry if my commented offended people, just trying to add a different perspective.

Post # 87
Member
492 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Rickie86:  

Not to cherry pick, but rather to defend what everyone else wrote.. you wrote:

“I’m just as excited about mine as the next bride but good grief there are way more important things in life to spend your money on!”

You made a definite claim there by saying there are way more important things.  I agree with you in that there are lots of important things to spend money on, but it is up to the spender on which things comes first.  Your claim was just your opinion, but the way you said it made it sound like a universally accepted law. 

Post # 88
Member
9924 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@honie309:  +1

And if I can afford $250 a head without decades of savings and without going into debt, why shouldn’t I get the wedding I want?  My lifestyle didn’t suffer for it, and I’ll have a great day!

Post # 89
Member
2623 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@Rickie86 

Even spending a small amount on 250 guest is a lot of money. If you spent 20 dollars on each guest it would be 5000. You raised a good point,and  I would think the most cost effective thing to do is go to the courthouse and get married, and you can donate your wedding money to an worthy organization.

 

Post # 90
Member
2623 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@abbie

So agree I really plan on no longer talking about budget on the bee, it’s always a negative reaction from others. I pay my bills on time, I am a well rounded person who actually volunteers a lot of not just my money but time. I don’t feel the need to justify having the wedding we can afford and want. My Fi and I worked extremely hard for everything we have, just like any other couple even if our budget is at the higher end compared to a lot of people on the bee.

Post # 91
Member
9924 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@TwoCityBride:  I know.  I don’t share specific numbers on here because I know the reaction I’d get, and it’s not fair.  The smaller budgets get praise for the awesome jobs they do with less money (seriously, they’re amazing), but the bigger budgets get ridiculed for “wasting” money.  

Maybe it’s just my circle, since we have a lot of black tie events, but I love black tie.  I certainly will love it when my guests show up in their tuxedos and gowns!  But most of them already own the gowns and tuxes, so that wasn’t a concern for me.

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