(Closed) annoyed by black tie…

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 92
Member
7439 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I’ve already commented on the Black Tie issue, and agree that the Guest should call the Bride if they require further clarification on what is the dress-code (as I said in Reply # 40, as per Peggy Post’s *Wedding Etiquette* the strict application of what constitutes Black Tie has changed in most circles of late… Dark Suits & Cocktail Dresses are now acceptable… so for most events and a majority of folks, needing to rent a tux wouldn’t be an issue to start with).

NOTE – I read recently that more Brides are using the Black Tie Dress Code purely because they want their guests to dress up for their Wedding… and not come in their Kahkis (there are enough casual events in life).  And writing Black Tie is the one thing when it comes to dress code that is acceptable in most circles on the invite… so the tone of the event is set out to the Guest right from the get go, so there is no misunderstanding (and we all know how much Guests these days seem to need to be told what is “expected” of them… Etiquette for many have gone out the window… witness all the RSVP issues that Bride’s encounter)

Anyhow… that aside, I want to comment on the monetary value issue… that has now been put forth.

It saddens me to see Bees criticizes other Bees about their Budget and WHAT THEY CHOOSE to spend money on for THEIR Wedding Day.

Weddings like other places in life… where money comes into play… and well none of us are equal… everyone has different jobs, incomes, savings, investments, family circumstances etc.

WHY judge each other on that, as an example…

If a Bride makes $ 40,000 a year, and chooses to spend 10% of her income… $ 4,000 on her Wedding Day… then we should be hopeful that she has a great day filled with Friends, Family, and Wonderful memories. We should wish no less for the Bride who has access to $ 400,000 and chooses to spend that SAME 10% on her wedding, for a $ 40,000 event.

We should seek to wish them both EQUAL LOVE AND JOY.  As Bees we should be supportive of other Bees plan and happiness… as that is the SOLE REASON that all of us post here… to share our excitement.

It does no good to be critical of one another… especially so when it comes to money… because (a) doesn’t concern us personally, or (b) in the long run we have no control over any how… see point (a)

Just my 2 cents (lol, and that is the same amount no matter how much income you have)

 

 

Post # 93
Member
3457 posts
Sugar bee

@MrsWBS:  You are, of course, free to do as you wish. The problem I have with the laxness of the dress code is that I feel it’s unfair for people who do actually go out, spend money on renting a tux or buy a formal gown in order to meet the hosts’ requests, and then find that the majority of the people there are not in black tie wear. It then makes me wary about the next time a bride notes that her event is black tie, if she actually means black tie.

Secondly, it is considered rude in formal events to be more overdressed than the majority of the guests at the event. The general rule is to aim to be slightly (ever so slightly) underdressed. With a “black tie if you can, but dark suits are ok too”, the properly black-tie dressed guest feels overdressed and out of place. It’s one thing if a couple of guests wear dark suits and most are in black tie. It’s another thing if 75% of the men are in dark suits and only 25% of the men are in tuxes.

Post # 94
Member
21 posts
Newbee

I wouldn’t think it’s too hard to rent a tux… I’m a college student and the men I’m around have to rent them for events all the time. It’s a little bit of an inconveniance, but very little. Definitely doesn’t cost an arm and a leg or anything, but maybe it depends on where you are and what store are available? Anyway, I can see that black-tie might annoy some people a bit, but it’s the bride’s one special day. If she wants it to be ultra formal and I was a guest, I wouldn’t be bothered by it. In fact, it can be rather fun. 

Post # 95
Member
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Firstly, “Black Tie Optional” is redundant because when “Black Tie” is written it is optional. It is a request, not a demand.

Secondly, I happen to believe that grown men should be equipped for such an occasion with either a black suit or a tuxedo. You may be surprised how much use a man can get out of a tuxedo, especially if his circle of friends is of marrying age. If they don’t have either, there are very reasonable rental rates.

Thirdly, as other’s have stated, it’s an invitation to attend. If you are so put out by the idea of “Black Tie” then by all means reply with your regrets.

 

Fourthly, it eliminates the guests wondering what they should wear or anyone showing up unknowingly underdressed.

Post # 96
Member
347 posts
Helper bee

It would not annoy me at all. However, I am not a good measuring stick. I come from a very formal family, and my husband owns all his day and evening formal clothes.

I completely agree with a previous poster who stated that it very much depends on the couple’s social circle. My father always owned evening dress, my mother had ball gowns. and husband and I move in circles where this is common, too. If your friend’s social environment is similar, this is probably what she considers normal.If it’s normal for a person, then it’s not pretentious.

@This Time Round

It sounds like you had a nice wedding. Mine was very similar. Those are the standard, i.e., traditional, definitions of day and evening formal. Day formal is morning dress with a cutaway coat and striped trousers, while evening formal is full evening dress aka white tie, which consists of a tai,locat with matching trousers, white cotton marcella waistcoat, white cotton marcella shirt with wingtip collar and matching bow tie.

@EricaBee

Husband and I even attend – gasp- white tie events, which is even more formal. It’s normal for some of us.

 

 

Post # 97
Member
347 posts
Helper bee

@SoupyCat:  

“Secondly, it is considered rude in formal events to be more overdressed than the majority of the guests at the event. The general rule is to aim to be slightly (ever so slightly) underdressed.”

I respectfully disagree. If an event has a an official dress code, I think it’s rude to not abide by it. I was taught in finishing school (yes, I’ve heard all the jokes about that one Wink) that to not honour the dress code is very impolite, as you are going against the hostess’ wishes. In the past and this still holds true in some circles, the dress code was implied, but nowadays you can no longer count on guests having that kind of knowledge, hence, it is clearly stated as white tie, black tie, etc.

The aim is to create a general atmosphere, and the guests help create this ambiance with their clothing. Thus, the ultimate objective is for all to have the same level of formality, and not to be over- or underdressed.

 

 

Post # 98
Member
540 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

If you don’t like the request, you don’t have to go to the wedding. I have been asked a lot of things over the years and I since I want the bride to be happy I find a way to make it happen. The two requests that stand out were to wear a specific colour of a dress (not just for the wedding party itself) and designer shoes.

I had to wear a red dress to an ethnic wedding. The grapevine reached me the day of the wedding, so I spend all morning looking for a red dress. I think warmly of that day because DH and I had a lot laughs running through the stores together.

Once the bride requested all guests to wear designer shoes. There was a fun shoe photo shoot for the wedding album. We will always remember that one, it was so hilarious trying to line up all our feet in patterns by shoe designer.

It’s their dream day, why not let them have what they want. Life really doesn’t allow for a lot quirky things, so might as well enjoy having it on your one special day.

Post # 99
Member
652 posts
Busy bee

I would probably assume that black suits were fine and just have my date wear a black suit.

I think it’s rude to mandate your guests to shoulder the expense of renting a tuxedo.

 

Post # 100
Member
492 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@RedAngelDreamer:  

But they’re not mandating it.  You have a choice, you can always decline the invitation.

Post # 101
Member
652 posts
Busy bee

@honie309: And if I thought the bride and groom cared more about what their guests were wearing than if they were there to join them on their wedding day, I’d definitely decline. And I’d likely think twice about having such shallow people in my life.

Post # 102
Member
180 posts
Blushing bee

[comment moderated for personal attack]

Post # 103
Member
180 posts
Blushing bee

@honie309:  There ARE more important things to spend your money on!! Talk about 1st world problems! Some of the brides on here have an intense sense of entitlement. 

Absolutely no one cares about your wedding but you, your family, and your very close friends. Everyone else is there for the food and to party.

How can you think it’s okay to spend more money on one day than some American families make in a year? I don’t understand. No one “deserves” a party. You have the choice to idiotically spend an obscene amount of money just to be the center of attention and “celebrate your (completely pedestrian) love”, but you don’t deserve it. And I mean “you” in the third person sense, not actually YOU. 

Post # 104
Member
492 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@MrsDocHorrorShow:  

This argument seems like a very heated personal attack on myself I don’t really appreciate it very much.  After scrolling up and seeing what I could have possibly said to warrant such a reply from you.. I see you may possibly be angered by some others, but I don’t know why this is being aimed at me.

 

Post # 105
Member
2121 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@MrsDocHorrorShow:  that argument can be applied to absolutely anything though, and i dont think its right to attack brides who do spend a lot. why not apply it to every day life? people shouldnt have cars – they should walk everywhere/take the bus and donate the money to charity. people shouldnt eat 3 meals a day, they could probably manage on one large meal of vegetables and rice. there are starving people out there, dont you know? and dont get me started on ipads and technology – we should all verbally tell each other stories and stop selfishly spending money on technology. if you own anything that you dont absolutely need…then i could surely argue that you could do without and send the money to charity

Post # 106
Member
6610 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m going to step in here and close this thread, it clearly violates our TOS:

We don’t allow posts that are intended to be rude, sarcastic, insulting, berating, argumentative, condescending, personally attacking, or that otherwise harass users of the Weddingbee site.  Please do not post threads for the sole purpose of criticizing, mocking, or otherwise disparaging others’ wedding, waiting, or nesting choices. Weddingbee is a diverse community with members across the globe.  No single culture is better than any other, and we value every member’s perspective. Please be more conscientious in the future. We reserve the right to remove such posts as necessary.

The topic ‘annoyed by black tie…’ is closed to new replies.

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