Post # 1
My best friend of nearly 10 years and I haven’t been so close for the past 3-4 years. Ever since she met her now-husband and they’ve had a son (who’s now 2 1/2), we haven’t talked as much. All of our communication consists of texting 3-5x weekly. We live 3 streets away from each other and I can’t even tell y’all the last time I saw her in person. Anyways, I still consider her a good friend, but it’s definitely nowhere near the same. She still says I’m her best friend. And I know that she usually just hangs out at home with her hubby and son. Regardless of the situation, I still asked her to be a bridesmaid in my wedding. I was hesitant at first, thinking she’d find an excuse to say no, but I went for it and she, surprisingly, said yes (and actually seemed excited about it, saying she was wondering if I was even going to ask her and that she was so excited). I was SOOOO happy. What can I say? I love her to death and was ecstatic that she’d be right there beside me, on my wedding day.
However, a couple months after that, we were discussing meeting up to go look at bridesmaid’s dresses for her, and she seemed a little stand-off-ish. Next thing I know, later that day, I receive a lonnng Facebook message from her, explaining how she can’t be in the wedding anymore. She went on to say that she doesn’t think she’ll feel comfortable in a bridesmaid’s dress, she’s overweight, doesn’t think she can give me 100% by attending the bridal shower, bachelorette party, rehearsal, or reception because of her son, and that she isn’t close to any of the other bridesmaids so would just feel awkward. She also apologized and said she’d still attend the wedding, and asked me to please not hate her for that.
I was devastated. I told her I understood and the last thing I wanted was for her to feel uncomfortable. Which is true… and I’m definitely not mad at her… and I was kind of expecting that she’d back out but I guess I was hopeful that she didn’t… I guess I’m just really more hurt than anything. I just don’t understand how I can care about someone so much and would do anything for them, but she can’t do the same for me. And I didn’t even expect her to attend any of the extra events, I just really wanted her to stand up beside me for ONE HOUR at the wedding ceremony. It would have meant so much to me. She also knew I had another bridesmaid drop out. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Am I being selfish?
Post # 3
I dont understand why girls back out of weddings. I jsut dont get it, but anyway!
I dont think your selfish at all! I have a friend like that, thankfuly she is coming and even flying here to be in my wedding, but for a few months I didnt know if she could make it and I felt like you do. It sucks!
Do you think maybe her reasons are an excuse? Maybe she can afford it? Her son is 2 ya know…there should be no problem in her attending any of the events. If I were you I would honestly take her out for coffee and talk about it. Her reasons just dont sound right to me…I have 2 kiddos and the kid reason would never be an issue. Daddy is around, right!
Post # 4
I would be pissed, too, in your shoes! I think it’s pretty awful she can’t bring herself to stand up for you. And you’re getting pretty close to the date!
Post # 5
Maybe you could respond and let her know that you want her to stand beside you on the day of, and you don’t care about the other stuff. i’m sure you can find a dress she’d be comfortable in. She’s not trying to hurt you, she is just afraid to let you down as a bridesmaid
Post # 6
It is weird that her son is preventing her from attending the rehearsal and reception. Is he such a terror that he cant be in public for a few hours?
Post # 7
Just make sure she knows you don’t expect her at any of the “extra” stuff, and let her wear whatever dress she wants so she’ll feel comfortable.
Post # 8
@kjo: I think her reasons are excuses to some extent. I truly think she is self-conscious of her weight, but if she truly wanted to participate in the wedding itself and what comes with it, I think her son wouldn’t be an issue (her parents and husband are always willing to watch him). Honestly, I wouldn’t ask her for coffee because everytime I’ve asked her to do anything for the past 4 years, she’s had an excuse as to why she can’t (even if it’s just dinner!). I quit asking her to do anything now…
@BrandNewBride: Glad you agree! Pretty upsetting 🙁 Cuz I would do anything for her…
@sally_g_2014: I’m not too sure how her son is in public, because I haven’t been around them much. But from what she tells me, he’s not a terror at all! She’s the reason why I let the girls all pick out their own dresses (as long as it was the same length and color). I had a cute Vera Wang one in mind, but didn’t think she’d feel comfortable in it, so I went with the other plan!
@oneofthesethings: I let her know I didn’t expect her to attend the “extra” events when she used that excuse… she still decided it was best for her to drop out 🙁
Thanks everyone for the responses! I’m glad I wasn’t in the wrong for feeling upset! I’m kinda over it now! It still hurts but I’ve realized life (and wedding planning!) goes on!
Post # 9
I would be upset. It sucks when people disappoint you. I agree that those reasons seem very flimsy and she probably just doesn’t want to be in the wedding (though I’m not sure why?)
If her son was truly the issue but she really wanted to be a part of things, wouldn’t she be expressing that to you and asking how you guys can make it work? If it was me and I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to find a babysitter for all of the events, I would probably say something like “It is going to be tough for me to get to all of the prewedding events because of my son, so I may only be able to attend the recemony and reception — would you be okay with that or would that make things difficult for you?” Instead she is just making assumptions about your expectations for bridesmaids.
And “She isn’t close to any of the other bridesmaids?” Come on ….
Try to think of it this way … at least the person or people who end up being by your side on your big day will actually want to be there!