(Closed) ANNOYED with FI over friend’s visit

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
595 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Honestly I kind of agree with your Fiance, I think that something that big (having someone stay at your house the day after the wedding) is kind of important to run by the other person before allowing it. It is the first day where the two of you are husband and wife – I can see how he thinks it would be weird to share that day with a third person. When it comes to him feeling disrespected – it is probably just the fact that you didn’t ask him (not involving him) in the plan of the day after the wedding – as if he didn’t have a choice or opinion about it. Maybe explain that it was not your intention and you should not have assumed.

Maybe arange for your friend to stay with someone else that day/night until you leave Monday then she can stay at your place while you are not there. You mentioned she has other people to see. Could she not stay with one of them for one night?

Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
631 posts
Busy bee

I think I also would take your fiancee’s position — I would have been really angry if my fiancee had allowed one of his friends to stay with us, without asking me, the day or days after our wedding — that’s important decompression and bonding time!  And at least for me, after the craziness of the wedding, I need some time alone to just relax and regroup.  Tell your friend that you forgot to run it by your fiancee and after talking to him you agree that you guys will need some time to bond as husband and wife — she’ll understand.  Don’t blame it on your fiancee — say it was a group decision.  Unless she’s a jerk, she’ll totally understand and be cool with it.  And from now on — ask your fiancee about houseguests, especially the day after the most important day of his life!  🙂

Post # 5
Member
595 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I totally agree with the not blaming your Fiance, if you think he felt disrespected before it will definatly be worse after that. Just be honest but don’t make him sound like the bad guy, instead support what his opinion is and explain you didn’t see it that way before.

 

Post # 6
Member
6597 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

I totally agree – I am surprised she expects to hang out with you guys the day after the wedding – are you sure she is not planning to stay with someone else over this time?

I can totally see where Fiance is coming from that day is a day for you two to unwind and relax together and I am sure he likes her but at the same time whenever I have guests over I am not totally relaxed because I want to make sure that they are happy and having a good time maybe he doesn’t feel totally relaxed when it is not just the two of you!

I would just say to her I was thinking and the day between the wedding and the honeymoon is going to be crazy busy and I won’t have a lot of time to hangout so do you think that you could stay with so and so for that day! Don’t put the blame on FI! Or maybe you could compromise with Fiance and still let her stay over but have her spend the day out and about with other friends?

Post # 7
Member
1084 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

We spent our wedding night at a hotel but then we didn’t leave for the honeymoon until Monday so we came back Sunday and said by to all the out of town guests, and some were coming from way out of town so not everyone left and so had lunch and dinner with them and slept at his parents house where everyone was staying and then left for our honeymoon monday, they took us to the airport, which was quite convenient.  I think I’m going to take your side on this one.  You have people traveling far for your wedding, what’s the big deal since you’re leaving for the honeymoon on monday and will have a hotel on sat night.

Post # 9
Member
1205 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I think it’s sweet that he wants the day after the wedding to be just you two at home after you see off your guests. This sounds like it can really work out — your friend can help you with your projects and then have 2 days to visit other folks.

Post # 10
Member
990 posts
Busy bee

I mean, I probably wouldn’t want her there the next day either. But because it’d be nice to just cuddle and be married.

And although this was the first you talked to her and heard about her official plans – it sounds to me like you had talked with her about it before. Maybe before talking to her it would have been a good idea to ask FI?

But, since that’s over – I would ask Fiance what he suggests, honestly. Maybe he’ll have a good idea. And apologizing is never a bad thing to do then. When you tell your friend I would honestly say “Hey, I hate to do this, but Fiance and I talked about you staying here and decided _____________ would be best.” I don’t think she’d be offended nor would it make your Fiance look like a jerk; because in the end, it’s a compromise for both of you (or should be).

Post # 11
Member
1019 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

What about you guys getting a hotel for the night before you leave? That’s what Fiance and I are doing– starting our honeymoon in town even though we aren’t leaving til the next day!

Post # 12
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

Sounds like a little miscommunication.  You’ll probably want to discuss this sort of thing with your Fiance, from now on.  You wouldn’t want him springing a surprise visitor on you.  So I think that might be why he got so upset.  (It can be a touchy time for guys.  They probably have some jaded fellows whispering in their ears that they’re going to lose control or be pw or what have you.)

I would think ater cooling off, you can regroup and come to an agreement.  Maybe you can ask her to stay with you Friday night, possibly Thursday too.  then she can find someone else to stay with the remainder of her visit.    Everyone wins.

 

Good luck.

Post # 13
Member
2066 posts
Buzzing bee

I can understand his point about Sunday, but I don’t think he handled the situation well.     

Post # 14
Member
5273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

If I was in a similar situation as you, you my Fiance would say the excat same thing as yours, when I read your post, I was like “wow they sound alike” LOL.

By him saying “I’m surprised you want her to stay” and “I feel disrespected” he is really trying to tell you that he is hurt because he wanted it to be just the two of you & instead of just flat out saying, “I want to be alone with you” he is being indirect. Guys envion things just like we do, and he probably envisioned the day after your wedding as a time to bond & just be with you; and when he heard this he was hurt that you weren’t thinking the same thing as him.

As a side note, I know my friends wouldn’t mind at all if I said “hey, I really want to spend the day after my wedding alone with my husband.” They would be completely understanding & happy for me. Just tell her you weren’t really thinking things through and make the conversation lighthearded, like “I’m all over the place & I didn’t een think about the fact that I kind of want it to be just me & husband the day after, do you mind staying with so-in-so” or something like that. Good Luck!  

Post # 16
Member
2889 posts
Sugar bee

I saw your point at first then put myself in the situation and realized while I would not mind having my best friend stay with us the day after the wedding, I would not appriciate his friend staying with us on Sunday night. I like the suggestion of asking him for a solution, let him know you were caught off guard too. It sounds like you are just trying to be accomodating and he should be able to talk calmly with you to determine how to remedy the situation in a manner that does not make anyone look like the jerk.

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