Post # 1
Right after my husband and I got married we packed up and moved to a new state because he was starting a PhD program. We’ve lived in our new city for 3 years now. In those three years we have traveled back to visit his family multiple times. His family has not once come to visit us even though we’ve told them many times they have an open invitation to come any time.
Despite this his parents are constantly make little comments about not seeing us enough and asking when we are going to come visit again. The last time they saw my parents they asked them if they would ever move to their city because then we’d come visit more. When they asked about my brother’s job search now that he’s graduated law school they said maybe they’ll move to X so you’ll come visit more. It drives me up the wall because they make absolutely no effort to come to us. His dad is retired and his mom works part time. They have much more free time and money than we do and yet it’s all on us to make the effort to visit, seriously?!
We definitely see my parents more often but my parents come to us 99% of the time. It’s not like we are constantly visiting them and never visit the in-laws, it’s a pretty even split in terms of us actually traveling to see either set of parents.
Ugh…I’m not really asking for advice (though it’s welcome!) because I feel like we are doing what we can. I just don’t want to vent to my husband (because he’s heard this vent before) and they made more comments earlier this evening during their weekly phone call. I also realize this is a pretty small issue in comparison to what some people deal with with their own in-laws but for some reason it just really hits a nerve with me!
Post # 2
What do they say when you say “Yo. Come to our house. Quit yer bitching.” Or the polite equivalent 😉
Post # 3
That’s so annoying.
Tell them “it’s a two way street. You have always been welcome to visit us” or “so when can we expect you?”
See what they say.
Post # 4
My mother in law lives about an hour away and complains that we don’t see her enough. Even though there is an open invitation, she wants specific dates and a proper “can you come visit this day?” invitation.
I wonder if your in-laws are the same? Try inviting them for a specific weekend and see if that helps.
Post # 5
- Wedding: July 2019 - San Antonio, TX
I have no advice to offer but I am very interested in what others have to say. I’m less than 3 weeks away from marrying a man who moved away from the state his family lives in 6 years ago and they have never once visited him. And I’m already feeling the expectation that we are supposed to use every vacation day we have traveling to them. I’m an orphan myself but I do have adult kids who live in another state that I haven’t seen in 2 years and I would also like to have some vacation time that is JUST US.
Post # 6
Haha…I haven’t tried that version yet. Usually we just say we are busy but you guys can always come here and they just give some vague answer like “Oh yeah that would be fun”desertgypsy :
At one point we did have concrete dates set for his dad to come visit but he canceled. But yeah maybe if we give them a more specific inviteteacher-bee-in-the-sea :
Post # 7
We’ve had many conversations about this issue! Every vacation we’ve had since our honeymoon has been with family! We’ve decided we have to set boundaries and start prioritizing time for “just us” vacations berries9 :
Post # 8
I’m sorry. That’s so annoying.
The older I get the more I realize how a lot of people won’t do anything that’s at all inconvenient. It’s really sad that two people with that much time off and the means to travel don’t.
I am really far from my immediate family and my husband’s mom is a 6 hour drive. We all make an effort and I would be really annoyed if anyone mentioned we don’t visit enough.
Post # 9
Before we married my husband would do all of the traveling to his family. A sister and Brother-In-Law in one state and his mother and brother, SIL and adult nieces and nephews in another. When we got together I visited once and it was a nightmare. I told him that I am not going to use my vacation and spend money to see people who can’t be bothered to travel to see you and now us. If and when you have a child I wouldn’t be surprised if they didn’t expect you to pack up a newborn and make frequent visits.
Post # 10
I have something similar with my family.
Honestly, I have learnt to be more direct. “Enough snide remarks about us visiting more. We have visited you far more than you have visited us, if you would like to see us more often, you have far more means and time for travel than we do”.
Get your husband to say it if you want. But one of you needs to put your foot down and clearly tell them that you will not be guilt tripped.
Post # 11
- Wedding: July 2019 - City, State
You have a right to be aggravated. Especially when you will have kids traveling will not be easy with small children. If they want to be in their grandkids life they will have to make an effort. Some people need to be flat out told. It might come to that with them!hikingbride :
Post # 12
It’s funny that they think trying to convince whole entire families to uproot themselves and move is a better way to see you than to just move their own butts and come visit.
I have really limited patience for peoples’ silliness, especially when it doesn’t make any sense (to me), so I would probably have to dedicate a whole phone conversation with them to this topic to try to find a solution (that involves them coming to visit us). It could be that once you break the seal and they start creating that new habitual rut, it will be easier for them to do it again in the future.
If you are planning to have kids, I would absolutely play that card “Oh, we want you to get comfortable coming here now because otherwise, once we start having kids, we aren’t going to be able to come visit much. We could do phone conversations and video chats but it won’t be the same as if you’re willing to come here!”
Post # 13
I’d just assume they are trying to joke. Even if they are serious in their wish to see more of y’all, they can be serious about your parents moving, right?
Regardlesss, next time they say something, I’d just say, “oh, Susan, you know between work and school we are always swamped these days. But we’ve been meaning to ask when you’ll finally come visit us.”
or you could head them off next time and start in on asking them to move so you can see them more.
Post # 14
Be careful what you wish for. How are you going to handle it when they finally visit and take over your home, rearrange your kitchen, rummage through your personal things, and criticize your cooking/cleaning/decorating?
I have seen this happen to a friend.
Hopefully they will not be like that, but be prepared for anything.
Post # 15
No advice, but we’re in the same boat, and I know how annoying it is.