(Closed) Annoyed with the husband

posted 5 years ago in Married Life
Post # 16
Member
166 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

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Daizy914: I’m sorry you’re not feeling well, and sorry that you had to feel pregnant and sick and grumpy all together! I think you should just let him off the hook, and figure out a better way to get across to him what you want. Sometimes, in order to make our other half feel like a respected adult, while still getting them to realize what we want, we have to word it a bit differently. They’re sweet, our men, and adorable. And sometimes our definitions of communication about a topic can be totally different. <br />You: let me know if you’ll be home later. — straight forward, right? <br />But in the man’s head it becomes: Oh shoot! I got caught up talking about *insert men dribble here* it’s midnight. Well, she’s asleep I’m sure, I’ll text her in a bit when I leave to let her know that I’m safe and headed home. Wow, I rock! I deserve a beer!

<br />Okay, I’m kidding, sort of. But I think maybe you should just let this one slide and from now on, when he leaves give him the same sort of, ‘when will you be come?’ or wait until he tells you or whatever. Then, an hour or so before that time rolls around either text him and say, “Hi! Hope you’re having fun, I’m headed to bed early so please don’t worry if you want to stay out later!” or (depending on your mood) “Hi! I’m really missing you tonight, and wondering if you’ll still be home in about an hour? I hope so! But if things got busy and you’re caught up, let me know and I’ll head to bed!” <br />That way he gets to be an adult and choose what he wants without feeling bad, and will hopefully communicate that choice to you. Now, if he texts and says, ‘oh yeah, I’ll be home in an hour.” Then isn’t, and that’s something you’re absoltely not okay with, I think I’d get more angry and tell him you feel like it’s a sign of disrespect and go from there.

Post # 17
Member
1470 posts
Bumble bee

My fiance always, always texts and asks if it’s okay if he stays out, or asks how I’m doing if he’s with friends and I’m home alone.  I suppose I take it for granted… so yes, I would be upset if he changed that.

Post # 18
Member
1754 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I feel you, OP. My Fiance has started volunteer coaching after school, but apparently these practices go until whenever, because he’d get home at 5 one day, 7 the next, then no practice today, and so on… and he would NEVER communicate to me what was going on. So I had no idea when to expect him home! 

When I brought it up, he at first thought the being late thing was the issue. I had to explain that NO, if you’re getting home late I will understand, it’s the not knowing that is bothering me! So now he texts. 

Post # 19
Member
729 posts
Busy bee

My fiance also had issues communicating to me when he would finish work. I feel the same as you: it’s fine if he needs to stay late, or wants to grab a coffee with a coworker, but I like to know what to expect so that I can plan my night. Otherwise I feel like I can’t fully immerse myself in my own plans because I want to be available to spend time with him (and probably eat dinner) when he’s home.

We had a number of arguments about this, with me trying to convey that if we’ve planned to meet at a certain time, or if he’s going to miss dinner, to please text me if possible, even if it’s “work running late, not sure when I’ll be home.” Sometimes he’s not with his phone and that’s fine, but I hated wondering where he was/if I should just eat without him or wait because he’d be home in 20 mins, etc. Eventually he got a bit better about it, and I also chilled out a bit and realized that if he’s late and I don’t know where he is I’ll just do my own thing.  So for you, I’d probably ask in the future if he’s planning on leaving before X, and if he’s not sure go to the store yourself.

Post # 20
Member
350 posts
Helper bee

I think I’m the only one that doesn’t care much if this happens. Only if he doesn’t respond at all to my texts which is… never. Lol

maybe next time just mention that if he plans on staying out late that in order to avoid this he needs to call first? 

Post # 21
Member
971 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

My husband has done the same a few times. He just doesn’t get that had he called or texted to say he was going to be late, all would be good. It’s not that he stayed out late that annoyed me, it was the fact that he didn’t think it was important to tell me. Grrrr! 

Post # 22
Member
29 posts
Newbee

My man is like this too! He likes to be the last one to leave or will volunteer to make sure everyone gets home safely even though we live on the other side of town.

I have given up on thinking an evening out has a reasonable end time. The worse part is when I finally doze off he calls because he wants to chat about what fun he had on his way home. Don’t worry about what his coworkers think, they had fun with for long enough!

One of the things I find helpful is when I give him a request I explain why I need him to do it- basically why I can’t- and then ask if he can do it by such and such a time. Knowing that I have to rely on him to do it and there is a timeframe creates a greater sense of obligation on his part. He either commits or declines, but  either way Im not left dangling.

Post # 23
Member
259 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

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Daizy914:  My fiancé has done this aswell, and it annoys me too!

One of his co-workers is going through a divorce and my fiancé has been his shoulder to cry on. My fiancé invited him to watch a football game with a group of his friends at a sports bar (so he would feel included). The game was at 3pm but my fiancé didn’t get home until 11pm because his co-worker was pouring his heart out and my fiancé didn’t want to leave him in such a vulnerable state. And like your DH, very little contact. I felt like a bitch for being angry after he explained that he had to effectively ‘babysit’ his friend all day.

So you’re not crazy haha! From the other posts it sounds like it’s a typical guy thing.

Post # 24
Member
261 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

My fiancé ALWAYS does this. I always mentally add on an hour or two to the time he says he’ll be home. It drives me nuts somedays and somedays it doesn’t, but I feel your frustration. And he knows he does this, he openly admits to it. I don’t know why he doesn’t add on the extra time himself by this point.

Post # 25
Member
144 posts
Blushing bee

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Daizy914:  I think it’s a male thing, seriously. My husband does the same thing. When he does I feel like a mother yelling at her child, or a bitch Haha. 

I totally get where you’re coming from. I’m sure he’s not cheating or anything untoward like some people have suggested, men are just clueless sometimes. It took a lot of fights for my husband to understand why this annoys me. 

Men need to learn to start doing things they don’t necessarily understand or agree with because women are much more sensitive. 

Post # 26
Member
80 posts
Worker bee

I dont think I would particularly care if my SO changes plans or doesn’t have a chance to tell me. I know it’s not intentional, and when you’re having a good time it’s easy to let time slip away. I also want him to have a good time, he works hard and is an amazing partner so he deserves some downtime. I trust him, and I can look after myself and so can he Without checking in on me. 

 

I don’t see why you just didn’t go to the shop yourself? Why wait until 11..? If it was something important I would have wanted to get it myself so I knew I had what I needed  

I have never felt like this with SO. With my ex husband I always felt like this when he went out. Usually it came from resentment that I couldnt/ chose not to go with him Due to being pregnant/ work/ kids. And that’s the main thing that sticks out to me From what you said. 

 

To me, it’s not worth starting a huge fight over 3 hours of time- if that’s really what your issue is. I don’t think it is though, I think you’re annoyed he chose going out over being home with you. That’s what you need to communicate about- not when he needs to check in. 

Post # 27
Member
5152 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

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Daizy914:  I swear this is a guy thing! My husband once said he was going to his friends house to play some stupid video game at 11 am and he’d be home by 6 for dinner. 6 rolls around… I ask where he is. Oh, we’re out at a bar. So I ask if he’s coming home…..he didnt and ended up staying overnight at his friends since they’d been drinking. He forgot to communicate any of this with me! 

It doesnt mean he’s a bad guy, or that hes doing something wrong (I think people LOVE to jump to that immediately – omg he stayed out, he’s cheating on you!!!!). I think certain men are just awful communicators when it comes to stuff like that. I would just let him know it’s something that you need him to work on and move on from there. 

Post # 28
Member
898 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

My husband always texts or calls if he thinks he’ll be out later than he originally planned…it’s just a common courtesy.  I do the same.  We have a child now and another on the way, and we both realize that late nights = the other parent doing all the work at home, so we generally stick to whatever time we originally agreed on.  But if something important comes up, a quick call is totally normal to expect.

Post # 29
Member
849 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I agree, I think this could be a guy thing. If DH is by himself, he is always home on time. If he’s out with friends, he is always back late. Or, maybe his friends are the slowpokes? Lol. I’ve gotten annoyed a few times, but only because he’d promised to be home to help me with something or just hasn’t told me at all what’s going on (i.e., I have dinner ready at 7 when he is usually home, but then he hasn’t shown up til 8 and it’s cold and dried out by then–if I had known he’d be back at 8, I would have had the food ready then instead!). I just think communicating how it affects you is important, and hopefully they’ll communicate back about their plans.

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