(Closed) Anon bee seeking help & advice

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 1
Member
39 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Hello fellow bees,

I will try and keep this short(ish), so feel free to ask anything if you have any questions.

I come here today with a confused and heavy heart. Darling Husband and have been married since June and it hasn’t been easy for us. We have been fighting a lot and he is now unemployed.

Darling Husband has a female friend. He has known her longer than me (we’ll call her B). They never got serious (she was into him, he wasn’t into her enough to make a relationship out of it), but they stayed friends. She even made an appearance at our reception which I thought was fine I guess. I barely know this woman; I’ve only met her briefly once or twice, but Darling Husband is friends with her so…

The reason this is even a sensitive issue is because Darling Husband once had a crush on a female friend (co-worker) during the 1st year of us living together (which was the 2nd year of our relationship). We were having problems while adjusting to live together and it led to him having feelings for another woman and lying to me about it (even though nothing ever happened – and yes I chose to believe him – it was not a physical affair, but more of an emotional one). Anyways, it took us over 2 years to rebuild that trust and nothing like that has ever happened again.

OKAY DILEMMA TIME: This weekend Darling Husband asks me if B can come over for a visit (she lives 3 hours away). He realizes it could be a sensitive thing for me, so I thought it was great that he was basically asking me for my permission to make sure I would be comfortable with it. Thing is, I’m not: they want to make the visit during the week meaning – she would get to our place Tuesday, sleep over, and leave sometime Wednesday (I work Mon-Fri, 9-5) so there would be lots of time for them to be alone.

I asked Darling Husband if we could make it a weekend visit instead. I don’t know her very well and I’d prefer it a.k.a be more comfortable if she came during a weekend. (He said she works weekends.)

Well he didn’t like that answer very much… Saying I don’t trust him. Even said that I am not allowed to see my guy friend – which is ridiculous because I did not forbid him to see B, I just asked if it could be a better time.

I tried explaining to him that because we have been having problems (like that first year of us living together), that I am fearful and just feel better taking temptation out of the equation… I hate the thought of being at work and knowing they are home alone – I’d wonder what they are up to, if the friendship is innocent, can I trust her, etc.

He also mentioned that they Skyped together during the weekend (not sure how to feel about that).

We were getting into such a huff about it all that he left the bedroom and slept on the couch (really?). Now it’s the next day and I am at work – and I am doubting myself. Am I over-reacting? Is he over-reacting?

Please help 🙁

(thank you for reading)

Confused Anon Bee

Post # 3
Member
720 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I don’t think you’re overreacting. In my opinion, it just isn’t appropriate if you aren’t comfortable. You and Darling Husband are supposed to be a team, so his spiteful act of “forbidding” you to see your male friend is ridiculous, especially given that you didn’t say you didn’t want him to see B, but just not during the week for a sleepover.

(Actually – if she had come on the weekend, would she still have been sleeping over?)

I think there is more going on here than just B. It sounds like you and Darling Husband are having some problems, and those need to be resolved before other women start keeping him company.

Not knowing if you can trust B is normal – you don’t know her, so how could you trust her? However, not knowing if you can trust Darling Husband is totally different, and this is what I think you need to address honestly.

Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
2960 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

I dont think, based on the story of his co-worker, that you are overreacting. It is hard to build complete trust back once something like that happens. I would feel the same way. I’m sorry, I don’t have advice really, but I hope you guys can get to a happier place within your relationship soon!

Post # 5
Member
39 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@chercee:  Thank you for your response.

To answer your question: Yes, she would still sleep over if it were to be a weekend visit, but I would be there the entire time (we have  a pull out couch in our spare room).

Post # 6
Member
2534 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

He asked if you were comfortable with it, and you said no.

What more does he need? Obviously he didn’t like your answer, but you certinly have the right to say “no” when given the option.

He is being very immature about this, and it’s very odd to me that he doesn’t seem to want to comprimise on the weekend (when you’ll be around) – why does he insist on having her over when you’re not around?

I think if you two are having issues communicating, it’s time to see a couple’s therapist together (and seperatley) to work these things out… sounds like it’s a major hurdle in your relationship.

Post # 7
Member
8279 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I don’t think you’re overreacting. This is a woman you barely know, and you’ve had reasons not to trust him in the past. It sounds to me like he’s being extremely childish about the whole thing.

Post # 8
Member
39 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@CakeyP:  it’s very odd to me that he doesn’t seem to want to comprimise on the weekend (when you’ll be around) – why does he insist on having her over when you’re not around?

I agree, I though it was a good compromise…

Yeah… we have been working on our communication issues for a long time and I am glad to say we are getting much better at it, but yes it still needs work. I am not sure if I am ready to go see a therapist (with or without him)… In Canada, I am pretty sure you have to pay for marriage counselling and with only me working at the moment, it’s tight. (I know I sound like I am making excuses, maybe I am…)

Post # 9
Member
2606 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I’m sorry, but your husband does not need female friends visiting and sleeping over no matter what part of the week. This is nuts. You are not in the wrong for being uncomfortable with it, though I have to question why you married him in the first place knowing that he has inappropriate relationships with other women.

Now it doesn’t matter because you are married. I don’t know what advice to give you. You can’t change his behavior. It sounds like he’s going to do whatever he wants to do in this situation. On the one hand, you did marry him, so you can’t keep punishing him for something he did a few years ago. On the other, he needs to have the respect and responsibility to make you comfortable.

With the state of your marriage, I don’t think either of you need to have opposite sex buddies.

Post # 10
Member
720 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@ConfusedAnonBee:  That sounds safer, but I still think it’s inappropriate, given the reasons you explained. How did he react when you told him about your concerns, and your desire to remove the temptation?

To be clear, I believe that men and women can be friends without anything inappropriate happening. It concerns me though that you and he are in this rough spot in your own relationship, and now he wants to bring this woman for a visit. I can definitely see why you would be uncomfortable about this.

Post # 11
Member
39 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@MsW-to-MrsM:  I have to question why you married him in the first place knowing that he has inappropriate relationships with other women.

Once. This was only once, 

you can’t keep punishing him for something he did a few years ago

Is that what it seems like? Maybe that is why he got so defensive, maybe he sees it as punishment…

Post # 12
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

You’re well within your right as a member of the household to refuse overnight guests no matter who they are or when they’re staying.  So is he.

I want to say you aren’t overreacting, but the way HE overreacted is off.  My husband would have been miffed, for sure, but we would have been able to have a reasonable discussion about the sanctity of our home and our marriage and not doing things that make each other uncomfortable. 

As for him asking you – clearly he wasn’t asking you if he’s that upset that you said no.  That’s something to address, too.  You do need to check with each other before doing stuff like that, but you also need to be adults and be ok with an answer you don’t expect or want.

Post # 13
Member
874 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@ConfusedAnonBee:  No.Freaking.Way…..Go visit someone else! End of story!!!!!!!!!

Post # 14
Member
837 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013 - The front lawn of our church

@ConfusedAnonBee:  IMO, neither of you really need to be having opposite sex friends while you’re going through a rough spot in your relationship. YOu don’t want to accidentally be building emotional connections with other people when you’re losing that with eachother. Not saying you can’t still have guy friends and he can’t still have girl friends, but I think you both need to back off of all opposite sex friendships and focus on eachother.

And no, I dont’ think she should come spend the night. Especially while you’re not there. He asked your opinion and you said no. Simple as that.

Post # 15
Member
2037 posts
Buzzing bee

@ConfusedAnonBee:  Personally?  Me?  I would NEVER be okay AT ALL with another woman staying the night at mine and my FH’s place UNLESS it’s the following people:

His Mom

His Sister In Law

His Future Sister In Law

Possibly and Aunt or Cousin

This is just something that I am not okay with at all and I think that I am surprised that other bees are okay with this.  This is just me-this would not be okay with me at all.  I think it’s amazing that you are okay with her crashing for the weekend-wow! 

Good Luck!

Post # 16
Member
2786 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

He is right. You don’t trust him. But he has given you reason not to, by acting inappropriately in a very similar situation in the past. From the situation you’ve described, it sounds like he turns to other women for comfort/attention when things are going badly between you two.

The topic ‘Anon bee seeking help & advice’ is closed to new replies.

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