(Closed) Anon bee seeking help & advice

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
230 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@ConfusedAnonBee:  I don’t think you are over reacting AT ALL. I would never be ok with any scenario other than the weekend while you are at home all weekend AND B is at a hotel. Have you asked him point blank how he would feel if the situation was reversed?

Did B go to your wedding? If so, how was that and if not.. Why didn’t she attend?

I’m so angry for you. I hope you two can communicate compromise and work this out! *hugs

 

Post # 35
Member
4810 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@ConfusedAnonBee:   Trust your instincts.  If you aren’t comfortable with ANYTHING, let him know, and he needs to respect your feelings.  You are a couple now, and any friends need to be friends of your relationship.  

Trust is built up over time.  If he is upset and feels you don’t trust him, then it is upon his shoulders to earn your trust.

 

Post # 36
Member
1332 posts
Bumble bee

I guess my question would be why on earth this woman wants to spend 3 hours driving to come see a married man? I am sure as heck not driving that long for someone I’m not interested in.

Post # 37
Member
2638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2006

It sounds like your husband just doesn’t want to be told what to do and is fighting on principle. At least I hope it’s on principle and not because he’s so hard up to make a visit happen with this person. I don’t know how I’d react in this situation but I don’t see why hosting B is so important to your husband that he’d allow it cause an extended fight between the two of you.

Post # 38
Member
776 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
@ConfusedAnonBee:  I’d have no problem with opposite sex friendships (single or otherwise) most of the time, but he is right in the sense that you don’t trust him. This girl wants to stay over mid-week when you know nothing about her (which, tbh, if she’s this good friend but he’s not mentioning much about her.. then there’s a good chance he’s hiding something), you offer a compromise, and he flips his lid. That right there would make me not trust him – he’s reacting completely unreasonably, trying to make you feel guilty to get his way. 

Go with your gut 100%. Don’t let him make you feel guilty by overreacting. If there’s nothing to hide, he should be able to have a reasonable, rational conversation with you, which would likely put you at ease. Good luck, OP!

Post # 41
Member
1684 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

If my fiance had a friend come stay over for a couple of days, I couldn’t bat an eye.  However, he’s never done anything to make me question his loyalty.

I don’t consider crushes to be abnormal.  When you’ve been in a relationship for years, it’s very possible to continue to love that person, but be attracted to someone else.  In a work environment, you work in tight quarters with someone else which might cause you to develop a crush.  This doesn’t make you a bad person.  It makes you human. 

Nonetheless, you don’t act on those urges and you continue to love your partner.  If he acted on those feelings with her, that’s cheating.  If he kept his feelings to himself but told you, he’s oversharing. 

I’m assuming it went past “fuzzy feelings for a coworker.”  In this case, he cheated, and he has to earn your trust back.  It’s a hard uphill battle, but he messed up, and he now has to work hard at making you feel completely at ease with the situation.  Eventually you will trust him again, but not quite yet.

Asking your permission was a great first step, but he doesn’t get to throw a temper tantrum when you say you are uncomfortable.  He has to compromise and come up with a solution where you are OK with this situation.

Post # 42
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@ConfusedAnonBee:  You’re definitely not overreacting.  In fact, I would take the previous indescretion completely out of the picture.  Forget what happened in the past, this is still not an appropriate situation.  Like other posters have said- why is this woman driving so far to see him?  Are they celebrating something specific?  Or is this on a whim?  I would try talking about it again, but without any mention of past issues or trust issues.  Just talk about setting boundaries within your relationship, and what is deemed appropriate behaviour with a member of the opposite sex.

Post # 43
Member
9948 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

This wouldn’t fly with me…

It would be WAY BEYOND the Boundaries that Mr TTR & I have negotiated in our Relationship (something we worked out in the very very beginning… early dates, when we were still getting to know one another, and not yet “all in” so to speak)

Then again, we don’t entertain the idea of having opposite sex friends that we see one-on-one… all our opposite sex friends (single or not) see us as a couple… always as a couple

This eliminates any chance of anyone oversharing, flirting or becoming emotionally connected to an inappropriate extent

When it comes to our friends, unless they are same sex buddies… we only see them as a couple.  So NEVER would I be entertaining any of Mr TTR’s pals without him around, and NEVER would he be seeing any of my GFs.  And if there are other couples we socialize with, they come as a pair, unless we are BOTH home.

As for sleepovers… GOD NO

Never going to happen

The ONLY planned sleepovers with single people at our house Kids & Grandparents.

On the rare occasion that a single person has slept over, it is because they are too drunk to drive, and then BOTH of us are home the entire time they are here.

I get that not everyone has the same Relationship Boundaries as Mr TTR & I… but ours were easy to make because at our age we’ve seen lots of relationships crash & burn when people suddenly find themselves “too interested” in a friend vs their partner.

We look at our method as an INSURANCE that that won’t happen.  Be it one of us getting too enamoured (less likely… but have seen it happen to other couples) or one of our friends crossing an inappropriate boundary (more likely)

Only you can work this out with Your Guy…

But sorry, NONE of what he has proposed would fly with me. 

He is spending IMO too much time & energy on someone else (a woman) outside of the relationship that the two of you share.  And sounds like he is also over sharing… and that is a HUGE RED FLAG in my book.

Hope this helps,

 

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