(Closed) Anon bee seeking help & advice

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
881 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@ConfusedAnonBee:  He is overreacting. If you knew this girl really well I would say its not a big deal but to have someone you barely know in your home for a long time that you aren’t there with your DH is weird. I would ask your DH if the three of you could do lunch or something so you could get their vibe together before this trip happens. That way you can say you at least saw how they were together/how she is toward him. He shoudnt have too much of a problem with that. She cant work 7am-12am every weekend so she has to have some time you guys could go out there and meet up with her. If the meetup goes well and you feel better about it then yes I would let him have her come over. If he doesnt agree to a meetup with all three of you then I would maybe start to be suspicious. It doesn’t sound like he has done anything wrong yet that should throw up red flags besides overreacting to your answer (I mean he did ask!) so try and relax! The past issues def. make it harder though so I understand why you feel the way you do! 

Post # 48
Member
881 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

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@ConfusedAnonBee:  AH you updated as I was typing! haha That is really sucky. I would say you need a third party at this point so he can understand WHY you have these trust issues and you can understand how to get past them (because to move forward in the relationship you will have to trust him again). It sounds like therapy may help you guys resolve the past so you can enjoy your future 

Post # 50
Member
593 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 1993

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@This Time Round:  I TOTALLY agree and could have not said it better.  I am not sure why married couples would expect to have opposit sex friends they see alone. Even for lunch.  Not a good idea in my book. 

Post # 51
Member
593 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 1993

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@ConfusedAnonBee:  no he is not right. Married people do not need to be alone with friends of the opposit sex. The fact he is making such a big stink about this would raise a huge red flag for me.  

Post # 52
Member
1780 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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@ConfusedAnonBee:  I think the big thing here is SHE HAS NEVER FELT A NEED FOR A VISIT TO STAY OVER UNTIL NOW, DURING THE WEEK, WHEN THEY BOTH KNOW YOU WILL BE GONE…to me that is a HUGE red flag, you guys have been together this long, and she has never had a need to come visit and come see him and stay the night….its THREE HOURS! its not like she couldnt go home that day….why does she need to stay….its not like shes flying in or driving 20 hours…

im sorry but it is really concerning to me that shes only been 3 hours away and just chooses now to come see him, i have many male friends that are married and i dont have sleep overs at their houses wether their wives are home or not…thats weird! and I certainly wouldnt “randomly” time a visit when they are having issues, esp any of the ones ive casually dated in the past….

Something just dosent  seem right…if it feels wrong it probably is….esp with how defensive he got over re-arranging the visit…I hate to say it but there is more here and you are not over reacting….infact your much calmer then I would be….

Post # 53
Member
2831 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I don’t think adult males who are married should be having sleep overs with anyone other than his wife. Especially if there is a history of romantic feelings, even if it is just on her part. She can stay in a hotel on a weekend if she really wants to visit that bad. What exactly are they planning on doing while you are at work?

Edit: Just read your update…. Don’t you just love it when they turn it around on you? I would look at that as a sign that he is hiding something. Tell him you don’t trust HER, you don’t want him to end up in an inappropriate situation.

 

Post # 57
Member
326 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

another bee voting for counseling. I think at this point all he will do is take anything you say and blow it out of proportion, you need a neutral, authoritative third party to make him realize that he is out of line. I can kind of understand his frustration (it never feels good to know that your partner doesn’t trust you), but he totally brought that on himself by his actions. He only has himself to blame for this situation. You SHOULDNT trust him after the way he is acting now! He’s acting like a two year old. sheesh.

I am sad that you felt you needed to apologise for your feelings. Thats no bueno. This is not your fault and for him to make it out like that is unfair. Your feelings and trust in him are not automatic, they come in their own time. Its not like “oh, its been a year since xyz happened, my record should be clear now, why is anonbee still upset?!”! And you know what? you could have wanted to change the date of their sleepover for a completely “innocent” reason (ie not not trusting him), maybe instead you were going to throw him a surprise party (lol) on that day. He couldn’t know that wasn’t the case, and for him to jump to conclusions (“anonbee doesn’t trust me!!”) is not cool. He sounds like a drama queen!

I think that if you talk about this again, you need to remain calm and redirect the conversation back to its REAL issue. He keeps putting the onus on you (ie you don’t trust him), while the real problem is that he is blaming YOU for your feelings WHICH HE CAUSED/IS CAUSING. It doesn’t sound like he respects or tries to understand your concerns or feelings, and thats something that needs to be addressed.

It was a good first step that he asked you about his friend B first, but thats about as far as it went. You guys are partners and you have every right to offer an alternative compromise that you feel more comfortable with. That has nothing to do with trust, it has everything to do with his respect for you and willingness to compromise and make EACH partner feel comfortable, safe, and secure. 

Also, I want to reiterate this again, he doesn’t get to be pissed off that you need some extra security in your relationship. He did that to his own self, and to keep you he needs to go the extra mile. If he loves you and cares about you, he needs to realize this and he would do it without complaint. 

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@ConfusedAnonBee:  

Post # 59
Member
1780 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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@ConfusedAnonBee:  just read your update….but heres the deal if its just to hang out why cant she come down some evening….request a weekend off….and it still bugs me that never tell NOW haas she wanted to come down….why cant yall meet half way for dinner one night….something is fishy….and hes being awfully manipulative about it….why cant he just say ok it makes you uncomfortable due to my mistakes, and she will try and come down and stay sometime where we can all hang out….and then re-vist the ides of her comming to visit at the house with out you being here the whole time….baby steps to earn trust….but the name calling and digs, mean he is being defensive and hiding something…if it TRULY WAS NOTHING WHY IS IT SUCH A BIG DEAL TO HIM?!?!

for the record i just asked my Fiance while he was home on lunch, and he said he would NEVER entertain the idea of having a female friend stay the night, anytime let alone when im not home…

Post # 60
Member
9948 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Tell him it isn’t HIM you don’t trust it is her.

You don’t know her.

And clearly if someone is willing to drive 3 Hours to visit one-on-one with a member of the opposite sex, they see a lot more potential to the relationship…

It is a fact… that more often than not there are people who don’t take NO… as a reason that the door to a relationship is shut

They are just waiting for the right opportunity to stick their toe in the open door, and push it open farther.

Not sure which of these two… HER or HIM is this person

But it certainly “smells” that way to me

Someone has bigger feelings here than they are admitting to

And at this point, I’m going to guess it is actually HER and not your Hubby

HER in so much as she came along to the Wedding (to size up the competition)

HER so much as she is willing to drive the 3 Hours

I am thinking that your poor Hubby doesn’t see the forest for the trees here…

He is being manipulated… and truly doesn’t have a clue that it is happening to him (hence why he says you are being ridiculous)*

She is using his good nature so that he is making bad choices (seriously a sleep over !!!)

SHE knows you’ll be at work.  She knows the two of them will be alone.  She’s hoping to “play pseudo girlfriend” with him, and have whatever crumbs are left over as it is better than nothing in her eyes when it comes to him

Trust me I have seen this before.

(And also why you’ll read posts here on WBee that refer to “skanky women”… this is one of them.  His being married, makes him all the more attractive to her… he’s the one that got away)

Here is a link you might find interesting it is an Interview from Good Morning America with Steve Harvey, who has written several books on how men think (and don’t think) aimed at women… “Act Like a Lady ~ Think Like a Man” and “Straight Talk, No Chaser”

And his Interview of 3 Couples about Opposite Sex Friendships… I’d watch em, then share them with and discuss them with your Hubby

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X0-e5MWnjic

You can find other Steve Harvey videos on line, and his books are a good read too.

That is another BOUNDARY that Mr TTR & I have in our Relationship

NO EXES… they are exes for a reason.  Time to move on past them.  To not do so, just can evoke past feelings

(Lol, don’t believe this, look at the quirky stats where couples who have married & divorced and remarried, end up divorcing once more so they can remarry their previous spouce.)

You need to stand up for yourself… and your marriage.

Don’t be the pushover girl… or else you’ll be the Bee posting here in no time telling us “Well it happened”

Hope this helps,

PS… * He doesn’t believe you… he should test the woman… and ask her himself what her intentions are.  “Sue I was just wondering, if I wasn’t married, if my dear wife wasn’t in the picture… would you and I date?  Could you and I date.  Would you be interested in me in that way?”

And then he’ll know, whether you have just cause to be PROTECTIVE of your relationship.

Keeping MISS MEGA CRUSH at bay.

Infact, I’d go so far as to ask him to text those EXACT same words so you can see the reply…

 

Post # 61
Member
529 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I do not think you are overreacting. Why does this person need to sleep over? If she can’t afford a hotel room well, that’s not your problem.  i also think it’s weird that your SO only mentioned their skype convo after he got angry about your answer. I think he should respect the fact that you agreed to her visiting but under pretense that you would be home.  

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