(Closed) Anon bee seeking help & advice

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 62
Member
1684 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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@ConfusedAnonBee:  Oh definitely.  if he’s pursuing her (talking to her, flirting, etc), that’s emotional cheating.  I’ve had a couple of crushes while with my Fiance.  They pale to him and I love him, so I take temptation out of the equation.  In other words, I avoid the crush.  I limit contact until I’m over it.

I’m sure my Fiance has done the same (although I don’t want to know obviously!).

Getting a crush doesn’t violate your trust.  Acting on those feelings does. 

He screwed up, and it’s up to him to make sure you are OK in this situation.

Post # 64
Member
4844 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Yeah no, she can sleep at a damn hotel. 

Post # 65
Member
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Yikes, what a hard situation for your young marriage! Hugs . . .

You’ve gotten a ton of helpful responses already – and should at least be feeling assured that you are not being unreasonable in feeling as you do.

And I agree with others that the fact that your husband is trying to turn this around to make you out to be the bad guy, rather than respecting your feelings, is a huge red flag. This is what manipulators do, and he is attempting to manipulate you, big time.

One big question in your mind, of course, is why he feels the need to do this? Is it simply because he resents any residual feelings you might have that relate to his earlier indiscretions? Or is there something worse going on here, specifically related to this woman?

I don’t fall into the black-or-white camp regarding opposite-sex friendships for married people, I see it as a case-by-case situation. Even ex-wives could be OK – I love my husband’s first wife and see her often at family events. I wouldn’t have any issue at all with him spending time alone with her.

But this particular situation doesn’t sound good. It’s very unlikely that a single woman would go to these kinds of extremes to hang out alone with a married man (3 hours drive, staying overnight, not a friend of the couple, just a friend of the husband) unless she has some kind of ulterior motive – I agree with ThisTimeRound above. And the fact that he’s so defensive and aggressive abut the situation doesn’t bode well at all.

Her coming anyway and staying at a hotel doesn’t fix the problem! If they are going to get into hanky-panky, they can do it just as well at a hotel.

Counseling is definitely in order. I hope he will understand why!

 

Post # 70
Member
4810 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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@ConfusedAnonBee:   Honey, trust is not given out like free candy.  He needs to earn your trust.   The situation is not your fault.  He is blameshifting.

Simply because of the stress the issue is causing your marriage, he needs to tell her this is not a good time to visit.  

Post # 71
Member
1540 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

ok I’m completely against all the other opinions. As a woman who has more male friends than female friends, I am completely understanding of friends wanting to spend this kind of time together.

I have driven 6 hours to spend a weekend with a male friend who moved before. We were just friends. Nothing else. I’ve driven other similar distances for both male and female friends. I don’t think there is anything suspicious about it

Yes, he did something in the past, but you decided to forgive him and work on your relationship. This was 2 years before you got married, right? You should have sorted your feelings out for him. I wouldn’t marry a man i didn’t trust.

I completely side with your husband on the matter, sorry

As someone who works weekends often, I get the reason for coming during the week as well

Post # 72
Member
667 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

OP, can I just tell you how sorry I am for you having to deal with this?

Honestly, the fact that he is THAT UPSET over not being able to see/spend time with another FEMALE is hugely upsetting. Seriously. You are the ONE woman he should be concerned about pleasing.

Wife trumps EVERYTHING.

It’s sad to me that he doesn’t care how upsetting this is to you. In my book, the temper tantrum he is throwing about this (and the fact that you have trust issues BECAUSE of his previous behavior) is appalling. He messed up, he has to understand that to a certain extent, there will ALWAYS be trust issues when another woman is involved.

I’m so sorry. Hugs.

Post # 73
Member
220 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

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@ConfusedAnonBee:  Unless this type of blow up behaviour has happened before it really makes me suspicious. Why get so angry and defensive if you have nothing to hide? 

If you ignore the past and just lay out the facts with no backstorey and no emotion it does look weird:

Husband invites single female friend to visit while wife is at work

If they were planning an activity for the day and not just bumming around the house it would potentially be different. You are allowed to not be ok with it, it’s not just about not trusting him, you don’t know anything about this woman either.

Weekday Compromise:

Could they meet in a public place for a while and then you could join them for dinner? She could then stay overnight to avoid the long drive and depart in the morning.

Post # 74
Member
1953 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Yeahhhhhhh, youre not overreacting. Screw that. She can stay home.

Post # 75
Member
232 posts
Helper bee

I think it’s weird to have another woman hanging around your husband (especially when you’re having problems) in your home when you’re not there. I personally would not be okay with it. They can watch the same youtube videos 3 hours apart. I also think it’s weird that you don’t know her very well, but you’re expected to trust her and accomodate her and he’s defensive that you won’t.

She can get a day off work in the future and drive down, hang out for the day, and drive back – or stay at a hotel or at your place if you’re comfortable with it at that time. At least if you’re at home with them you can make sure there aren’t any weird vibes going around. If it’s an innocent friendship, this friend of his shouldn’t have any complaints with hanging out around you – and he especially shouldn’t have anything to be upset over.

Post # 76
Member
293 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Listen carefully. A man who is guilty of something/defensive can have a bad habit of making it seem that everything is your fault and that you’re being unreasonable. Your updates give me a feeling that you’re looking to see if you’re crazy here, but you’re not. All of this is super inappropriate: texting, chatting, skyping, and now sleep-overs? Furthermore, he’s making you feel wrong or belittled because you don’t trust him. Instead of looking at your relationship and trying to figure out and fix why you don’t trust him. Seeing this woman is so important, he’s not willing to forget it even after seeing what it’s causing. He is showing you his cards, believe him.

I think you guys need work, therapy, serious conversations, and most of all, your strength. You need to be strong here. A woman’s gut is more powerful than we give it credit before. Believe him, believe yourself and save your marriage if it’s worth saving. But do not convince yourself that you’re crazy or jealous or unreasonable. You are definitely not.

Post # 77
Member
498 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
@ConfusedAnonBee:  His expecting you to be okay with this woman spending the night with you not being around is inappropriate regardless of whether he had an inappropriate relationship in the past or not.  His trying to force you to be cool with this is a red flag. A reasonable person without the baggae you guys have (or history if you want to call it that) would still be within their right to be concerned.

 

ETA: I have tons of male friends and my very best friends are male so I am not anti- female /male relationships. I still respect my BF’s feelings enough to place him first and would never willingly make him feel uncomfortable about a friend visiting me. He is very trusting and has even stayed home with our baby while  my friend and I went clubbing. BUT this whole situation would be asking too muvh of him in my opinion- hey, while you are at work I am going to be hanging out with this dude who spent the night here, who you don;t know and you better not get mad about it! Does that even sound right to you? No, because it is not cool. And even if there was nothin between this girl and him, your HUSBAND, should be protective of your feelings. He is your husband-

ETA:

Post # 78
Member
1467 posts
Bumble bee

@ConfusedAnonBee:  you are completely valid in your opinion and it sounds like you were more than fair and reasonable in this.  I understand you trust him but it still seems sketchy that he got so upset. Is he overcompensating for something? I highly doubt he would get this upset if it was a guy friend of his. Stay cool and hold your position.

Post # 79
Member
5398 posts
Bee Keeper

WHO are these married men we are always reading about that want to have slumber parties and Skype with women that are not their wife? I don’t get it. I have a very close male friend but I don’t Skype him or have sleepovers or have him visit when FH isn’t home. 

No I don’t think you’re overreacting, I think this is super weird. And him being defensive makes me think he’s not so innocent. 

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