(Closed) Anon bee seeking help & advice

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 80
Member
1097 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Why would he ask you if he would be upset with his answer? And what’s with his over-reacted of being so upset about it? That behavior would make me suspicious that something else is going on or is fishy.

You sound very reasonable. If you have a feeling about her/them, I would trust it. 

I would seek counseling as this is an issue that will likely not go away and it may help him understand as well as your relationship become stronger.

Good luck!

Post # 81
Member
2453 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

95% of the time, when I see these issues of “DH wants to hang out with a female friend/should I let a female friend stay over/etc” I stand on the side of trusting the partner not to do anything.  I don’t think it’s inappropriate to have opposite sex friends.  I don’t think it’s inappropriate for them to visit and stay over, especially in this economy, even if it’s the middle of the week.  (I am sensitive to the fact that there are people who need to work weekends, sometimes every weekend, because hey, just because it’s the weekend doesn’t mean the world stops.)

In this case, however, there appears to be some past trust issues that are still not resolved.  There is nothing wrong with a basic emotional crush, as long as it isn’t affecting your actual relationship.  (Hello, we’re human.)  But to knowingly act on it and be insensitive to how that makes your partner feel is wrong.

It’s time for some serious trust talk.

Post # 82
Member
764 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

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@BlondeMissMolly:  I thought i was the only one ! smh I can’t

 

OP- are you sure this is the type of man you want to spend the REST of your life with … he’s unemployeed you say ? and sad no one visits … I’m guessing your busy working so you dont have time to be sad, maybe if he spends time job hunting he won’t have time to be sad.. Unless you fix your current issues even if he has male friends there will always be trust issues… However I don’t feel that either of you should have any relationship with opposite sex b/c at some point parties involved will have some sort of emotional feeling that can lead to physical (this is how our own relationships started remember)…

Post # 83
Member
2543 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’m with PPs here…you have every right to be uncomfortable. I wouldn’t be comfortable with this situation either and I would be PISSED if my FI’s reaction to the argument was to sleep on the couch.

Post # 84
Member
1466 posts
Bumble bee

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@ConfusedAnonBee:  you cannot simultaneously set a boundary with your husband and also take care of his feelings. He may feel hurt, angry or disappointed, but that’s not your problem. I was reading about boundaries today and this was a good point. The boundary is determined by your own feelings, values and beliefs. And no one has a right to tell you (even your husband) what should feel right for you. Your boundary is pretty legit, look at all the bees backing you up. 

Post # 85
Member
281 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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@ConfusedAnonBee:  

He keeps hashing it down to I don’t trust him – and he gets mad when he thinks I don’t trust him because he thought we were past the former issues. I thought so too :
/

Two things on this….one – he is lucky you were able to get over the previous issue enough to stick around and should not be pushing his luck! And two – I don’t think this is so much a trust issue as a respect issue. He is showing absolutly no respect for you or your feelings. Not many girls would be ok with this situation (even if the trust had never been broken before). It seems to me that he forgets that when you are married, your spouse comes first – no questions asked. She is not part of the marriage and in all honesty, she should be backing off. Who skyps/texts/messages/HAS SLEEPOVERS with a married man?? 

I feel awful for how you must be feeling – it is something that is not necessary and should not be happening. Just remember – he’s the one pushing your limits right now – you are not doing anything wrong. 

Big hugs!!

 

PS – If you were planning a trip to the fanex, we must not live that far apart! 

Post # 86
Member
2539 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I’m sorry but his reaction is completely inappropriate. As is the original request. My husband doesn’t even have a history of emotional affairs and I’d be uncomfortable with this, unless it was a mutual friend that I knew well.

He is putting this desire to have this woman come stay in your home before his marriage and his WIFE. Why does he want her there so badly that he is willing to have this fight with you?

My guess is that he knows deep down that his original request was inappropriate and feels guilty about it. Which is why he’s being so defensive and trying to deflect the blame onto you to make himself feel vindicated.

Mark me down as another Bee who is voting for some marriage counseling.

Post # 87
Member
719 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

OP, I’m glad you’ve been back and updated us.

I think your husband is behaving horribly. Particularly given the past issue(s), he does not get to play wounded soul here. That he can’t see why this would make you uncomfortable is a red flag for me.

I don’t understand why he would even be comfortable with the appearance of something inappropriate. I think it’s incredibly disrespectful to your spouse to say or do anything that would cause this kind of problem. Him asking to bring another woman into your home, while you are not there, while you are in the midst of problems in your relationship, is seriously disrespectful.

You are married; your relationship should come first. It sounds like you are working hard to get him to see your point of view, but he has decided not to do that. This also is very disrespectful. He is putting his needs ahead of what you need as a team, which is to address the issue(s) at hand.

I think the whole thing is very inappropriate; I don’t think married people should be having sleepovers with members of the opposite sex, particularly when their spouse doesn’t even really know this friend. He should not expect you to trust B since you don’t know her, and given his past behaviour, he should understand your trepidation.

Count me in as another vote for marriage counselling, and do keep us updated!

Post # 90
Member
293 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

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@ConfusedAnonBee:  Good girl. Your strength is more valued by him and valuable to your marriage, than you can possibly imagine. 

Post # 91
Member
11515 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

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@ConfusedAnonBee:  There are ways to have couples counselling covered by insurance as well, some is covered by the provincial plan, others are covered by private insurance (if you have it).

Post # 92
Member
3229 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I strongly believe people should not ask a question if they are not ready for an honest answer.  You gave him an honest answer and you are not overreacting.  I’d say the same thing to my hubby and he does not have a past of cheating.  

Post # 93
Member
4807 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

View original reply
@ConfusedAnonBee:   Thank you for the update.  I wish you and your hubby all the best, you are a strong woman and I admire you so much for the way you handled this situation.  I agree that counseling would be a good thing, when you are able to afford it.   *hugs* 

The topic ‘Anon bee seeking help & advice’ is closed to new replies.

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