UPDATE (LONG, SORRY) :
I’d like to start off by saying how happy I am to be part of the Bee, this thread has been extremely helpful. It is so hard at times to see a situation for what it is when you yourself are part of that situation – so many emotions cloud my brain!
My drive home last night was very emotional. It ranged from me being cool and calm – thinking about how to calmly discuss things when I get home – to me being pissed off thinking to myself ‘‘I am the one who should be angry!’’ (I even told DH that!)
When I got home, it got a little ugly. The words ‘‘tantrum’’ and ‘‘being unfair’’ crossed my lips…
I tried explaining to him that this was not only about trust issues, but also about respect. I forgave him for what happened in the past, but I didn’t forget, and I am scared (naturally). And that means respecting my comfort levels when it comes to women in our home.
I tried to emphasize on the fact that I am not forbidding him from doing anything, from being friends with her, talking to her, from her visiting, etc. (even though I suspect her of still liking him in that way). He wanted to know how it would make me feel if she slept over during the week, and I told him. The choice is his (obviously the right choice is the respect your wife’s feelings, but still his to make).
I tried outlining that we always need to put each other’s feelings first – we have to do our best to make the other partner feel safe and secure – we have to act as a team.
I think it was incredibly hard for him to admit that the past is still causing repercussions. He again said an awful thing ‘‘Now I wish I would have actually (physically) cheated so I wouldn’t be paying so much for nothing’’ (Grrrrrrrrr!)
I told him it wasn’t just the flirty relationship that broke our trust, it’s that he lied to me about it after the fact (even tried to lie about it once confronted) – that was the big trust breaker here.
Ugh, I just hate how this whole situation brought up something from the past that I thought was dealt with.
I have many guy friends too, and he knows this. I even have a girl-friend (my BEST friend actually), who I almost went out with in high school. I love her to pieces! Yes it’s true, but I wouldn’t say I am in love with her. He said:
‘‘Well how would you feel if I felt the same about your girl-friend staying over?!’’ (Which she already has in the past By The Way, lol)
I said ‘‘if I was bi-sexual, that could be another story, but I am not, so I do not a problem with this.’’
For the argument’s sake (and to try and put myself in his shoes – so he can see that I am trying my best to understand his side, which is what I wanted from him), I brought up C, one of my very close guy friends from high school who DID have feelings for me more than once (but I didn’t have feeling for him). If the situation was reversed, I told him that I think I would respect his wishes because he is my husband; It would suck, admittedly, especially if that meant cancelling the visit (if it was the only time he could come – He is also a few hours away in Montreal – I actually visited him last year, but didn’t sleep over or anything), but I like to think that I would respect his feelings as my husband – and yes I would even feel a little untrusted, but I would try to see the situation for what it is: My husband feeling uneasy about the situation. I cannot say for sure how I would react, but I like to think that my husband’s feeling would matter to me – and this is exactly what I told him.
Anyways lots of back and forth like that happened. We were going nowhere so he took a few minutes to cool down.
He came back in tears, waving a white flag. He had just clued in on how his new medication could be affecting him. You see, DH has bipolar disorder. It makes him extremely unpredictable with a short fuse. Of course, I cannot live like that, and neither can he. He started medication before the wedding and MAN WHAT A DIFFERENCE. He then suddenly decided to stop after the wedding. His moods got worse and re-surfaced, so he made the decision to try again, and to even try counseling (still waiting for that local referral from our doctor… individual counseling is available at no cost here in Canada). It does take some time for the medication to adjust.
Now I am not saying that takes away from how horribly he acted, but I try to understand. Ok back to him coming back waving a white flag: He apologized profusely for the bad things he said, and also for his temper. He was breaking down in my arms – it is not an easy thing for man to admit wrongfulness after fighting tooth and nail on it.
We hugged real hard, for a long time. We needed that.
He apologized again for his temper. I apologized for my trust issues.
So that’s that. It felt weird to not have a resolution… It still does. The only thing we could do is try to understand where each of us is coming from and to try and respect each other’s feelings.
He respected my wishes and she is not coming this week. She is still welcomed to visit BOTH of us so I can get to know her.
I am really not sure how to take it from here, but one thing seems clear:
We need to keep working on solidifying trust between us and also on how we communicate with each other.
Man they were NOT kidding when they said marriage isn’t easy.
Any advice on building trust is welcomed. Any advice on how to go from here is also welcomed. Basically any feedback is welcomed, lol.
P.S. I can see how counseling could really help us – I agree with the Bees suggesting it. My first quote was $130 per session °_°. There is no way we can afford that right now :(, maybe in the future, hopefully.
THANKS FOR READING!