(Closed) Anon Bee-What am I doing wrong?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
2343 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

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nikkiv1313 :  “Snake women”…. Ok… Even if some “snake woman” started hitting on my husband I would put it on him to shut her down. The woman is obviously aware that this dude is married, but ultimately this is a husband problem, not a “snake woman” problem.

Post # 33
Member
258 posts
Helper bee

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kristin36890 :  I agree 100% that’s it’s never just the other woman’s fault. But OP was going on about her perfect husband and how he’d never cheat so for argument’s sake I let her know a charming woman can work wonders. I believe affairs often have 3 people to blame. He’s bored, wife is keeping up same old tired routine, he’s finding excitement in a new woman. Its plain as day to us all, except OP.

Post # 34
Member
5249 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

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nikkiv1313 :  Why is she a snakey woman but he isn’t a snakey married man? Or is he just a poor married man who got tricked by a cool snakey woman?   He is the one who is married here.  For all we know this woman is single and he could be telling her he is separating, as the one who is married he is the one who is at fault. 

Post # 35
Member
976 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

However, there is no physical affair happening or is going to happen-period. I know my husband. He wouldn’t do that…I am providing everything for him he needs.

You clearly aren’t providing everything he needs, because he’s already having an emotional affair with this woman.

I have zero problem with male-female friendships, but he literally took her on a date?? He said that you weren’t welcome at their private dinner and then paid for her meal! He has private conversations with her and makes sure that you can’t hear.

If you’re feeling generous, you can tell him to make a decision right now: her or you. He either ends all out-of-work contact with her, or you’re gone.

But frankly, if my husband ever told me that I had “nothing to add to the conversation” before heading out on a date with another woman, I’d be gone already.

Post # 36
Member
2408 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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worriedanonbee :  Work crushes happen all the time, even to people with a lot of respect for their partners and a strong moral compass. You know what those people do when they realize they are attracted to the Lizs of the world? They reduce the amount of time they spend with them outside of what they need to do for work.

 

They don’t take them out on dates and refuse to let their spouses come, they don’t shut themselves up in a locked room so they can talk to them privately outside of work, and they don’t snap at their spouses and ask what they want and make it clear they feel intruded upon.

 

Your husband has already displayed an appalling lack of respect for you and your marriage. I would never do this to my husband and would never be okay with him doing it to me.

Post # 37
Member
1349 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

I’m usually in the opposite camp than most of the PP here: I don’t think there is hard evidence that your husband is cheating or in an affair or any of that.  Who knows.  HOWEVER, the bottom line is that you must have a conversation and you must FIND OUT.  You have to ask the hard questions and you have to tell him that what he’s doing is not appropriate and is hurtful.  If he gets defensive about that or rude…then you have a bit more evidence to go off of.  If he realizes that he was just being SUPER stupid (guys sometimes just don’t see that stuff) and is terribly apologetic and cuts off all the extracurricular stuff with Liz, then you can start healing.  But you don’t know unless you cut to the quick.

Post # 38
Member
258 posts
Helper bee

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zzar45 :  at least read all replies before commenting. I already stated that for argument’s sake (OP in denial) I assumed the husband was as pure as she wanted to believe and bliss in his marriage as OP is. When an interesting woman comes along, she can make a man realize what’s he’s missing. In reality, I believe he’s scum and OP needs to wake up and see the facts.

Post # 40
Member
1640 posts
Bumble bee

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nikkiv1313 :  So now it’s the wife’s fault if husband has an affair. 

Post # 41
Member
2408 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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kristin36890 :  I was going to say…that really doesn’t sound any better.

Post # 42
Member
877 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

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worriedanonbee :  Im sorry bee but if you were providing him everything he needs then why are you going anon and worrying about this and why is your husband going on dinner dates and late night chats with another woman?

The one time you asked to join he said you would have nothing to add? Aside from the fact that’s a shady reply.. are you seriously okay being married to someone to doesnt think you have anything to bring to the table in a conversation?

Also..no they dont talk about work.. thats for work time and can be done during lunch or staying later at the office.. not going on literally a date.

ETA: Please read the post called “Jen the Work Wife”.. and please dont allow yourself to become this wife whose husband is straight up dating another woman and she refuses to admit it

Post # 43
Member
381 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

I know how hard it is to be objective when it’s happening to you, but I am sorry – if this is not an affair I do not know what is. ALL of the signs are there. All of them. In big red letters. He is telling you as clearly as he can without saying the words. 

  • He talks in the bedroom with the door shut? Yeah – that’s not at all suspicious
  • You have nothing to add to the converation – how charming. How very charming indeed. That is such an awful thing to say 
  • He takes her out for dinner and pays to be gentlemanly – because what? he needs to impress her? That is not something that happens with colleagues / friends

This is being spelt out to you clear as day and if he is not having an affair I shall eat my hat.

I am sorry – and I wish you all the luck with this…. xx

Post # 44
Member
9939 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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worriedanonbee :  It’s time to put your foot down, tell him this behavior is completely unacceptable to you and he is putting your marriage in serious danger. 

Make him make a choice:  either continue being married to you and drop her completely, or go be with her and you are done.  Then, you’ll have your answer by who he chooses to be with, you or Liz.

Post # 45
Member
258 posts
Helper bee

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kristin36890 :  Nope learn to read. Its husband and other woman’s fault. But theres usually a reason a spouse cheats. It doesnt “just” happen. #sorrynotsorry. 

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