- 10 years ago
Good Afternoon bees!
I regularly respond and post to threads but I needed some relationship advice. It’s been hard enough admitting all of these issues to myself so letting everyone in would be too much for me right now but… I really need advice.
I’m a waiting bee but I feel like I’m getting further and further from a marriage becoming a reality. I certainly know we’re nowhere close to becoming engaged at this point but I just don’t know if all of our other issues are enough reasons to call it quits. I have asked the opinions of a couple close friends and they’re all in agreeance of what I should do but… I felt like I needed some unbiased opinions. It’s long but here goes…
I just don’t know anymore. I don’t know if he’s who I’m supposed to be with, I don’t know if I’m still IN love with him. I love and care about him very much and I only want the best for him in life but I want someone who wants to work with me to get that, not someone that I have to give it all too. But at the same time, I love giving him things. I love giving anybody things that they can’t get for themselves although I don’t want to look at him as a charity case. But sometimes I think I throw money and “things” at him because I know I don’t give him the love and affection he really wants/deserves. I don’t feel passion like I used to.
I’m afraid I’m beginning (or maybe I’ve felt this way for awhile and not admitted it) to resent him for making me feel this way even though I know it’s my fault and I did all of this to myself. He didn’t ask for all of the things I’ve given him but at the end of the day, I knew no one else would so what was I supposed to do when he was out of food or couldn’t pay for his cell phone anymore or needed chew or gas? Just say too bad?? I’m not heartless and I’m just not that mean. My best friend used to tell me to be tough and everything but that’s just not me. I’m tough when it comes to work and stuff but I’m just not like that in relationships. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I’d give everything I had to make the person I’m with happy and a better person. But… I want things too. And that makes me feel selfish. I want birthday presents and Christmas presents and dinners out and flowers for no reason or my gas tank filled up or dinner made for me that I didn’t pay for the ingredients, or my car washed or anything. I’d love flowers picked off the side of the road. I’m not picky. I haven’t had any of this for 2 years and if I did, I bought it myself and then he “gave” it to me. I know he thinks about me and cares about me but I want some outward showing of that feeling. He always says he can’t give me those things now due to lack of employment but one day he will. I don’t know how much longer I can wait. But it just makes me feel selfish. I should just be thankful to have him. HE should be enough and HE should be my everyday present just by being there. I also feel like I should say that he does do things for me sometimes like make dinner (I just don’t get to help), he plays xbox with me and loves watching movies with me, he enjoys my baking and rubs my back and pops it whenever I ask, he knows I can neurotic sometimes and puts up with me, he’s amazing with my grandma and will sit and talk with her and play cards, he has never cheated on me and definitely adores me.
Sometimes I just feel like a babysitter or another mom. I walk a fine line between nagging and patiently waiting for him to do things on his own and I don’t win either way. I either wait and things don’t get done or I nag and we get in huge fights and I end up being the one crying and saying I’m sorry. He doesn’t know how to find information online, he doesn’t like calling people, he doesn’t know how to fill out applications properly. So all of these things, I’m constantly asking him about. He doesn’t do his taxes, he’s not good with money, he watches movies instead of applying for jobs and I’m not allowed to pester him because then I just become a b*tch. I can’t ask about these things right before we go to sleep which is when I usually talk to him because then it gives him insomnia. He only wants to talk on his terms and his schedule and anything other than that leads to arguing. But I do understand that this stuff makes him upset and he has anxiety and stress issues and needs to be on medication but can’t afford the insurance to get any. So I try to help him deal but we can’t seem to find a compromise of when and how to talk about anything important.
I’ve started being jealous and envious of others who are married, planning weddings, planning trips, buying houses, making dinner together, taking trips together, spending the day at a themepark… all things that we can’t do. Either we’re not to that point STILL (and I’m afraid we never will be) or we’ve tried it and it just leads to MASSIVE fights. He doesn’t want to take trips because he feels bad about me paying for it all but he also doesn’t want me to take any trips without him (like a girls trip) because then he’ll feel left out because he can’t pay for anything. I just want to be able to take a calm trip with someone. Actually I just want someone to plan a calm trip to take me on! I have to plan everything. We can’t make dinner together because he says I get in the way, we tried taking a trip together and it was mostly a disaster and we ended up arguing half of the time, we went to Disney and he hates people so he had a horrible time and said I tried to rush him around and he didn’t enjoy it. He likes to do nothing on vacation, I like to do anything. But I wanted him to have a good time so I took him to Sanibel Island because I know he loves shells and they have the best shells in the world. We stayed at the best resort, we had lots of seafood and wine and I drove the whole way there and the whole way back because he hates driving my car. I just want to have a fun trip with someone but my parents always used to fight when we went on vacations so maybe I’m expecting too much.
We definitely have some major personality differences but I thought they complimented each other but now I’m not sure. I’m a little more high-strung, he’s very laid back except for when he’s stressed which is lately all the time. I used to find him funny all the time but now I get worn out by the constant fart jokes and the talking about poop and the weird noises and sayings like “wango” (don’t ask, I don’t get it either). I’m a planner by nature and I love doing it. I know some people aren’t so can I really get upset with him for not doing something that he’s clearly told me he doesn’t like doing?? He’s not comfortable around other people for the most part but he also doesn’t want to stay at home. I have to figure out everything that we do but nothing ever seems like the right thing. I’m extremely indecisive, always have been. But instead of being patient with me, he gets very frustrated. There’s been more than a couple times that he’s stormed off and out of the house so he could calm down because things had escalated so much. We’ve fought at 7am, 6pm, 3am, and everything in between. Our fights go from 0 to 60 in a matter of seconds usually, lots of yelling from him, lots of crying from me, lots of me going after him, and lots of me saying I’m sorry. I’d rather say I’m sorry and get everything over with than drag out the argument. And sometimes if I let him calm down, he’ll come back and be sweet and loving and try to get me to stop crying. I know me being depressed and a natural crier doesn’t help. But it seems like everything is my fault and I never do anything right. I once compiled a list of over 50 things that he said I needed to change or do differently. He made me rip up the list when he found out about it but I still carry it around with me in my head – things like don’t ask so many questions, I’m too clingy, I’m not affectionate enough, I’m not open/nice enough to some of his friends, etc.. I really feel like I do everything wrong and it’s all my fault. I’m afraid I can’t be what he wants me to be. He would get upset with me for not remembering what he had asked me to do or change and so I wrote it all down but then he got mad at me because he said I used that list against him. Oddly enough, one of the things was to remember things better because I have a bad memory.
I prayed/cried not long ago for a sign from God about what to do… anything. I was/am at such a loss. And I don’t know if it was a sign or just my overactive imagination but I got dreams… for at least 10 nights straight about my high school boyfriend. They were the best dreams and nightmares all at the same time. In the dreams, I was with him again, sometimes in a relationship, sometimes just as friends. But I was always happy and laughing and talking to him about my current relationship and we were helping each other. It was great… until I woke up and remembered that I’m not happy like that right now and I can’t just call him up and get his opinion on something. Was it a sign of what I could have (although not necessarily with him) or just me missing that companionship from someone…
My boyfriend has always been a tough subject with some friends and family as well… you know all of the problems I’ve had with my best friend. I’ve wrecked our friendship because of it (although I don’t claim all of the blame). I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve talked to her about my boyfriend over the past couple years… I would LOVE to be able to call her and gush over my latest date or an amazing present I found for him… but I can’t because I get no reaction from it. I’m VERY careful about what I say to people about him. I never want to make him look bad and I try to shoulder a lot of the blame for our problems because it’s easier for me to deal with it. But I would love to tell people “Guess what XXXX did for me last night?!” or “guess what XXXX planned for us to do!” But I haven’t done that in a very long time, probably close to 2 years. Maybe I’m exaggerating, I’m sure he’s done things for me since but it’s hard to remember in the midst of him doing so much nothing (hope that made sense). My mom has been my shoulder to cry on a lot because I was so embarrassed to tell my friends what’s been going on. And even she has started saying things like “He obviously doesn’t deal with problems well so you need to think about if that’s something you’re willing to deal with for the rest of your life.”
I used to want to marry him, desperately. But now, I’m not sure. What if I change my mind again and I really do but I’ve already let him go? What if there’s no one else for me? He’s loved me when I was fat (although he admittedly was more attracted to me when I was skinnier) and he loved me when I was crying and a mess. How can I ask for more from someone? He is changing for the better. I’ve seen some changes but how do I know that even when he’s come out of this “searching for myself” phase that he’ll be the person I want to be with. I guess that one of my big uncertainties. I really believe in him and believe he can change. I don’t want to just give up on him because he has no other real support, nowhere really to go, no one that is willing to do what I will do for him. How can I just turn on him and leave him with nothing? I want so much more for him and I’ve been trying to do anything to help him. He wanted to be an archeologist so I sent him articles and tried to find a state park to go to (which was a horrible failure on my part), I had my mom email the head of the archaeology dept at her college to give him more information, I’ve tried to talk to him about classes and the types of jobs he should be looking for and seminars and workshops he could go to but he doesn’t take me up on them. One of the reasons I put off getting a new place for so long was because what if he got a job across town, I would’ve wanted to live near there so it didn’t have to drive so far to work. And getting the place I did was something he really wanted. I really like my house but he pushed HARD for it and threw a fit when he thought I didn’t like it and wasn’t considering it (which was never the case). I’ve considered his thoughts and feelings in everything I bought for the house. I only bought 2 things without consulting him first… a pink toaster and a flowered chair. And I understand that that’s normal to consult your spouse on home furnishings but…. I bought EVERYTHING from the couch to the toilet paper. But I had enough decency to talk to him about it all.
If you got to the end of this, then I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it!! I’ve tried really hard to keep all of these feelings in for the past 4-6 months and it’s hard to share them but I’ve got to know if I’m crazy? Making excuses? Selfish? Or something else… I don’t want pity! But please be kind. 🙂 I’m wearing my heart on my sleeve in this post…