(Closed) anonymous member needs relationship advice… is it time to say goodbye?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
5183 posts
Bee Keeper

@needadvice77: it sounds like you already know what you have to do….:-( Finances are huge stressors in relationships.. 

Post # 4
Member
4887 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Yep, it’s time for you to take a breather for yourself, take some time apart and really evaluate things.  Good luck to you!

Post # 5
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

Honestly? He is really selfish, and is satisfied with riding your coat tails for as long as he can.  All’s he does is complain about not  haivng things, instead of doing whatever he can to show you how much he appreciated everything you have done for him. I think you guys definitely need to take some time apart, and since its your place, you should tell him he needs to find somewhere to go for at least a couple of days, so you can “find yourself”.

Post # 6
Member
3866 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@needadvice77: dear, pack up his stuff drop it outside, change the locks and tell him he’s out.

THAT is my advice.  

It’s YOUR HOUSE and if he isn’t going to be a man and do things for you and for the house, etc, and just enjoy the good life of having his cake and eating it to, then he needs to go.

I’m so so sorry you’re going through this and I know how hard it is to leave someone you love (or at least think you do, as was my situation).  Stand tall and proud and lean on your family, friends, and us. 

good luck and soooo sorry!!!!

Post # 7
Member
2192 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@needadvice77: I will admit that I didn’t make it through the whole post. But, that’s mainly because I had read enough to give you my honest opinion. So here goes,

I feel that you are not fully in this relationship. That you do probably feel bad for him in some respect and like knowing at least someone is taking care of his needs if he can’t. However, there comes a point where you are just being used. And, I do feel that this is what is happening to you. IMO, you would be better off ending this and moving on. I can say confidentally that someone out there would be better for you and him. I wish you luck.

Post # 8
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Sorry honey. You need to tell him to leave.

 

Good luck and hold strong. I know you’re trying to help because you care about him and want good things for him, so just repeat this mantra, “By staying with him, I am not helping him. By paying for him, I am not helping him. The best way I can help him is by ending this.” Truly.

 

Post # 9
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Wow… I’m sorry.  You sound incredibly unhappy.  🙁  I know relationships aren’t supposed to be easy, but for a relationship to be such a source of unhappiness as it sounds like yours is… that’s bad.  It seems like you’re giving it everything you have, and he’s barely giving anything.  It’s not enough to cook you dinner or rub your back now and then if, as you’re desperately trying to make his life better, he criticizes, sulks, throws fits, and lets you take the heat for every problem in the relationship.

It really sounds like you’re only still in it because you’d feel too guilty about leaving.  He has some psychological issues, from your description, and that makes it complicated.  But you can’t spend your life trying to improve his if he won’t do anything to help the cause.  Marriage is supposed to be a partnership aimed at making both people happy.  You definitely don’t sound happy, and despite everything you do for him, he doesn’t sound that happy either.  If you can ease your way out, I would do it.  Again, I’m sorry. 🙁

Post # 10
Member
5892 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

He feels bad about himself and as long as you take care of him (and his finances) he will always feel bad (and in turn make you feel bad) until he can grow up and be a MAN. He will never be able to do that while you save him and make it easy. People have to go out on their own to sink or swim based on their own action.

You need to leave him. I could tell you it’s because he’s lazy and disrespectful and makes you feel bad about yourself as a way of controling you. There are so many parts of your post that I could point to as clear reasons why you should leave. But there is only one real reason you *have* to leave– You don’t love him, you love who he *could* be. And I can guarantee 1000% that he will never become that person you want him to be as long as you are with him, waiting, hoping he will turn into the person *you* think he could be.

You have to be strong, let him go. As long as you do the work to love and respect yourself, someone *will* come along that will love and respect you and be able to give you all the things you want. You will find someone who won’t even be able to come up with 3 things that you need to change (let alone 50), because changing 3 things would mean changing the person they love.

You don’t need a reason other than it’s no longer working for you to leave. I’m going to say this again–

Post # 11
Member
2576 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I had a similar sounding relationship in my early to mid 20’s…. (6 years together total)

All I can say is this-

You want, need and deserve a PARTNER not a PARASITE.

This man is never going to be the man you need. You know what you need to do. Trust me, a happier future and indeed a happier relationship will await you.

Hugs.

Post # 13
Member
374 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

Hmmm..  As hard as it is, you need to ask him to leave.  He is not your responsibility, he needs to grow up and join the adult world.  You are not doing him any favors by supporting him at this point.  Take a deep breath, put on your big girl panties and help him pack.

By The Way, I totally understand how you feel.  I had a similiar relationship before I met Fiance.

Post # 14
Member
158 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

If you are questioning your relationship then it sounds like you already have your mind made up and just can’t act upon that. No one deserves to be unhappy! Your first priority should be doing what is best for you. Taking time apart from him might be the best thing you ever do! 

Post # 15
Member
31 posts
Newbee

Honey, I spent YEARS in a similiar relationship and heaven knows I loved my ex. I kept waiting for things to get better, but they never did. Then when I lost my child and was grieving and too busy to attend to his every need, he promptly found himself a new Girlfriend and OPENLY starting dating her and STILL expected me to support him! It took me over a year to get him out of my house and he fought the process every step of the way. Thed last straw was when I was working one night and I came home earlier than usual and found HER in MY BED.I literally grabbed the wench by the hair and physically threw her out of the home that I paid for!

 

It took a while, but eventually I started dating again and I found love again with a man who treats me like a queen. So my advice is don’t waste years of your life like I did!

Post # 16
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

Darling,

 

From the sounds of things if you were to continue your relationship right now you would only keep being his surrogate mother. He is being a very selfish and spoiled little boy, who hasn’t ever grown up. I know you don’t want to force him to do anything he doesn’t want to do – but the biggest part of being a responsible adult is to do the things which need to be done, regardless of how much or how little you like them. There are some plants – like cactus and orchids – that need a little adversity to bloom out to their full potential, and I think breaking up with him will not only give YOU the freedom to do the things you crave doing (like travel, and not have to plan everything for once) but also might give him the reason to reach out beyond his comfort zone and land on his two feet.

I would highly encourage him to start volunteering somewhere, like at the local food bank. Not only will it give him some experience for his resume, but the people who work and volunteer at that sort of thing might help support him when you’re not there anymore.

Also, as an archaeologist I can tell you that I cannot think of a SINGLE company I know of who would hire someone who was so completely without personal ambition, or who couldn’t do even basic internet research. If he wants to succeed there, he is going to need to do it all on his own, and he is going to have to WANT to do it on his own as well. It’s not something you can force him into.

 

Maybe in 5 years, or 10 years, your paths will cross again and he’ll have grown into the sort of person who will give you little presents, fill up your gas tank occasionally, or do sweet things to show that he cares. But he needs space to grow up and get there, and YOU need a break from being manipulated by a little boy who takes and takes and takes ’til the well is dry and never gives in return.

 

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